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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 06-19-2013, 10:20 AM
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Here's my story - or at least my version of 'our' story:

I've been married for 27 years to a man with severe anger issues... In the course of our relationship I have tried my best to be understanding and supportive of everything he did.

We built our home ourselves, he is a construction worker and I was the 'mom' in the traditional sense. In all the years that we were together, I never asked for much, was careful with the family budget, was a good mother.

Over the years, I have had to leave him and stay in domestic violence shelters several times as my husband has anger issues and would be aggressive towards me. I never pressed charges and would forgive him with the hopes that he would calm down. Although things were far from perfect, I wanted this marriage to work and to raise our son together. (till death do us part - I know, I know!)

Last year the violence got so intense that my neighbors called 911 and my STBX was arrested and criminal charges were made. The police kept him in jail for 5 days and when released he was prevented from coming back home. Now there is a non-contact order and I have been living in the family home alone since then, doing my best to keep things going.

I know that I am in denial - I still want to work on this marriage, I still have feelings for him. My lawyer insists that I have nothing to do with him.

I don't want my ex to go to jail - what good would that do him or myself?

The courts don't care about domestic violence, no fault divorce and all that, so this whole process seems a waste of time to me as it won't help the ex with his anger issues by rotting in a jail?

I have no family left and the shame of it all keps me isolated from others. I'm very fearfull for the future ... My self-esteem is hanging by a thread and I'm feeling hopeless.

I'm trying to find work - any work but since I have zero experience and am 55, it will take a while before I find something. A judge ordered temporary spousal support and our home is 'luckily' paid for.

I asked for mediation to try to settle our divorce in a fair way, it was refused. I suggested therapy for both of us, it was refused. My ex is very bitter and blames me for all this mess ...

I don't know what more I can do, it seems hopeless. After all these years together I'm still willing to try to save things as I don't feel that divorce is the answer. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Neither of us will benefit from a divorce - we will both loose.

So many men and woman have abused the system to the extent that 'real' domestic violence cases get no help at all.

We need help, not a divorce ... tell that to the lawyers who are bleeding him dry and making my life even more stressful than it was when I was being abused?

I would appreciate your comments as it is obvious that I don't have a clue

Jan
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:40 AM
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You are truly in denial, so nothing I have said or will say will make any difference, even though I did try to help you on your previous introductory thread an hour ago.

I identify with your situation very strongly and am in the process of getting out of my marriage, not stay in the denial that I was in for so many decades.

I differ from you in that I kept all of his abuse hidden from everyone all of those decades...not even family knew. You have, and are using, this great opportunity to tell the world about his abuse, and yet choose not to learn or even try and listen to what others have counselled you...I'm sure you must have had some advice from the shelter counsellors at least.

I'm sorry for your lawyer, as he/she appears to be truly enlightened and sympathetic to your situation. This lawyer really deserves your appreciation, at the very least.

Once you decide to try to get past the veil of blindness you are in, PM me if you wish.
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Old 06-19-2013, 10:55 AM
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Dear Caranna,

Yes I'm in denial, as I wrote in my other post but I am working on that.

I have taken my lawyers advice, have not contacted stbx and have accepted that nothing more can be done. The house will be sold before the end of the year as there is no other option and hopefully this whole process will not drag on for too long.

My priorities for the time being are my safety and financial security ... the rest of it I will deal with one day at a time.

Good luck to you as I know how difficult this whole process can be.

Jan XX
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Old 06-19-2013, 11:59 AM
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I was also in denial but for many different reason when my situation started or ended . It will get better. For me it was like turning on a switch. One day I just woke up and said to myself WTF were you thinking. The fog cleared and I have not looked back.

I hope you are now in some kind of counseling. You should also look into some support groups. I had great friends who were my support group but the best thing you can do is find someone to talk to about it.

You have made a good start here. Keep up the good work and keep your head high.
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Old 06-19-2013, 12:09 PM
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I've commented on the other thread, but I will comment on the criminal charges issue here. Many times people with issues need to hit bottom in order to recognize the issue and seek help. Jail might be that signal for him, and he may not come to it on his own without a strong signal.

With all due respect, love has to be a partnership between two people. Someone who abuses you emotionally and physically is not a partner. They aren't demonstrating love. You may be nostalgic for the love you once had, scared for your future, that is natural and to be expected. Find some support, and counselling, as others have suggested. If your husband's company has an employee assistance program (EAP) that could be a place to start. Or if you have a church you like, a minister or a priest can point you to resources.

You have the right idea with one day at a time. That is how you have to live until you can sort things out.

Stay safe, stay strong. It can get better.
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Old 06-19-2013, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
I've commented on the other thread, but I will comment on the criminal charges issue here. Many times people with issues need to hit bottom in order to recognize the issue and seek help. Jail might be that signal for him, and he may not come to it on his own without a strong signal.

With all due respect, love has to be a partnership between two people. Someone who abuses you emotionally and physically is not a partner. They aren't demonstrating love. You may be nostalgic for the love you once had, scared for your future, that is natural and to be expected. Find some support, and counselling, as others have suggested. If your husband's company has an employee assistance program (EAP) that could be a place to start. Or if you have a church you like, a minister or a priest can point you to resources.

You have the right idea with one day at a time. That is how you have to live until you can sort things out.

Stay safe, stay strong. It can get better.
It WILL get better.
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Old 06-19-2013, 12:34 PM
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Thanks to all for your encouraging words,

I appreciate all the support that I can get

As you said above, 'when the fog clears', that is exactly how things appear to me at this time in my life. I have participated in group therapy, I understand the cycle of domestic violence and am also seeing a private therapist.

On a purely intellectual level, I get it, I really do. The denial part comes from the heart and THAT is what needs fixing - all in due time I suppose.
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Thanks to all for your encouraging words,

I appreciate all the support that I can get

As you said above, 'when the fog clears', that is exactly how things appear to me at this time in my life. I have participated in group therapy, I understand the cycle of domestic violence and am also seeing a private therapist.

On a purely intellectual level, I get it, I really do. The denial part comes from the heart and THAT is what needs fixing - all in due time I suppose.
do what ever you can to repair the damage living with an abusive man has caused. Try to find your inner strength and see the value of yourself. What do you value about yourself as a person..ask yourself. Seek the answers and lengthen that list as you seek support from others who can help you see it. Read about it...buy books and more books about it to learn more. I personally was in a 10 year abusive relationship..and it still affects me till this day. but since I've let go of my emotional connection to him...to the best of my ability, yet still care about his well being...it is still hard to see the value in myself when he starts spewing verbal remarks that are only a reminder of the past life with him. It's been almost 2 years since breaking it off with him completely and I am glad to say I see value in myself more than I saw in the past...however I still have more work to do. So relating to your situation...it's going to take time to repair yourself from inside...but you will get there. Don't give up. Staying with him and not breaking away from the abuse is not the answer. I used to make excuses like that and say stuff like...we can still be married but live apart in separate homes. That wouldn't have been the answer either...the abuse would have still prevailed. Now that we're divorced..i'm on my way to cutting off the abuse entirely...and taking control of my life and destiny. We are stronger than we think!
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Old 06-25-2013, 06:25 PM
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Here's a few lines of inspiration that I read everyday - it was written by a woman who left an abusive partner 35 years:

'There are very good things I'm dwelling on tonight, no more fear of abuse or constantly being put down. No more isolation and having to stay 'in my room'. I can breathe and not be afraid when I hear a car come down the street.

God has been patiently teaching me that He provides just when I need it. Not a month before, but just at the right time. We don't need our ticket until we get on the train and God has done miracles for me these last few months. He has never failed me and won't in the future.

Remember, life isn't fair. Don't think about the should haves or the if only's. No matter how long you were married or what age you are, God never meant for love and marriage to hurt. I look forward to what God has in store for me. I'll be able to be close to my family, can have friends over, and make my own decisions.'

I think the hardest part of the recovery process is not forgiving the abusive spouse - it's forgiving ourselves ...

Jan XX
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Old 06-25-2013, 06:58 PM
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Janibel all I can offer is that I am so sorry this happened to you and I do pray you find your way to a life without fear and its full of happiness - best wishes for you

your not alone

pokeman
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