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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 04-23-2013, 11:52 PM
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Default Restraining order in effect while on bail

Hoping you can help. My husband was arrested for assault in February and spent 2 months in jail waiting to post bail as he required a surety. He was released in March and since there is a lot of his conditions...no direct or indirect contact...just one of many. The only way to communicate is via lawyers ($$$$$). Basically I have now spent $1000 on unanswered emails and the only response I have received has been a demand for the car (in my name took it, as advised by the detective involved) and his tools. Has anyone been in this situation? Did they find an alternative method of communication...like a mediator...less expensive option? He has also broken 2conditions of his release and I am debating reporting it and having him put back in jail until hearing (8 months to one year)...just worried it is going to delay everything further, even though we have not progressed at all in 6 months....no child support, I am in the family home paying all the bills, he consented to the sale of the home and the day he was to sign the listing he revoked consent and now given consent again....that whole game cost me another $600 in legal fees. I am assuming he is never going to sign any offer that comes in....just playing games. Any advice?
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:58 PM
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If your husband is in jail it stands to reason that he can't pay child support.

What do you want from him? Why don't you want him to have his tools?

You can be assured that your husband will have received lots of advice while he was in jail.

What good will it do to put him back in jail?
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:19 AM
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Thank you for your reply...I am receiving no child support as it is...never have even when he was not in jail.
Regarding his tools...it is a matter of making demands upon me when he has not addressed any outstanding issues....child support, submitting financial statement. I gave him all the contents of the family home, I even took the day off of work to move the stuff, paid for the movers, stocked his fridge...I sleep on a mattress on the floor with my 9 year old. I use plastic cutlery, have three plates and all of our clothes are in rubbermaids. I have 3 sons, one who is special needs. His thanks to me for trying to be civilized through all of this was stripping my clothes off and locking me out of the house on Christmas eve in front of my children....hence why he ended up in jail.
I do not want to be a vengeful bitch...never the plan. I appreciate your opinion but at this point I think I will keep the tools. Since he is not paying for anything he can buy new ones eh?!
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kookoo View Post
I do not want to be a vengeful bitch...

Of course, why would we doubt you?

Quote:
I think I will keep the tools. Since he is not paying for anything he can buy new ones eh?!
Quote:
He has also broken 2conditions of his release and I am debating reporting it and having him put back in jail until hearing (8 months to one year)...
You are going to have a fun divorce
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:10 AM
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Wow it sounds like things are pretty bad for you at this time.

If your husband has a restraining order then you should not be trying to contact him in any way. You will have to go through his lawyers.

While your husband was in jail he had plenty of time to get "tips" from others in similar situation. Many people in jail, as opposed to prison, are there for not paying child support and for assault charges. They also use each other's contacts. I would do nothing to provoke your husband. Don't put your children in jeopardy.

The police have likely already advised you that your husband is entitled to his personal property and tools of the trade, particularly if he makes a living with these tools. Yes you may be pissed off and want to keep the tools from him but you will likely only be hurting yourself in the long run.

Regarding having something to hold over his head and contemplating having him thrown back in jail, you have to ask yourself what it is going to accomplish. You may get some immediate gratification but all it really does is make things more and more difficult. If you expect him to cooperate then you have to learn to be a bit more cooperative yourself. Yes he is an asshole but you have to look to what you want to accomplish. He has gone to jail and purged his crime.

You have made a decision to start a new life. Your first priority is ensure your children are safe and have a proper roof over their head. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor and using plastic cutlery is not a good situation but it won't be forever. I would focus on getting your house in order. Give your ex his tools and try to find your "gentler" side. There is an old saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I know it is hard but in the end if you can cooperate a bit you might find your ex reciprocates. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose by trying this.

You can get hooked up with legal aid through your local women's shelter. You can also find out about other resources so that you can properly care for your children.

Yeah you sound bitter but it sounds like you probably have good reason to be. The thing is though, can you harness your bitterness and move forward?
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:17 AM
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Default A good way to control one's anger perhaps?

I saw this today and thought of the poster

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=ZBw0NuPlyxU
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:28 AM
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Hmm gave him everything out of the house, down to the cutlery but held on to his tools??? Something is not sounding right here.
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Old 04-24-2013, 09:13 AM
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KooKoo, first, don't communicate with your ex directly, you have a restraining order. If you attempt communication it will look like you are setting him up or baiting him.

Second, you need to get control of your lawyer. You have an offer, or a set of offers for different issues, on the table. Your ex can sign or not sign, you can't force him. There is no need for any further communication between the lawyers. You are probably paying about $100 per letter. Sending essentially the same letters back and forth, month after month.

You should be filing, if you have not already, an application in court. You should be pushing your lawyer for an immediate case conference. Once you have had a case conference, you may file a motion for interim support, which your lawyer should expedite. Child support is the right of the child, and is calculated according to the guidelines, there is no wiggle room, and there is no reason why a custodial parent should have to jump through hoops to get a child support order. If your lawyer is not going to expedite this, and do it in the most cost effective way, then fire them.

It may be that your ex won't pay anyway, is maybe unemployed, etc. You can't get blood from a stone, but you can get an order in place so that you don't have deal with that in the future. It will be done, and sooner or later he has to work. The file will be with FRO, and there will be nothing further for your lawyer to bill you for.

You may seek another motion for a court order permitting you to sell the house, given that your ex is playing yes-no-yes-no games. You have plenty of reason to seek an order. Letter after letter sent by your lawyer is not going to change anything. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is a sign of insanity, yet lawyers will try to convince you to prolong this process.

Make a list of things you need done. Speak to your lawyer and be direct and assertive, and treat each issue separately. Get a timeline for when these thngs can be accomplished, and indicate that you expect them done, and there will be no further letters sent without your express approval, other than the serving of court documents.

If you had a toothache, you would expect your dentist to deal with it expediently. You wouldn't expect your dentist to keep sending letters to other dentists. Stop paying for letters.
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Old 04-24-2013, 10:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kookoo View Post
...Basically I have now spent $1000 on unanswered emails and the only response I have received has been a demand for the car (in my name took it, as advised by the detective involved) and his tools...

...just worried it is going to delay everything further, even though we have not progressed at all in 6 months....no child support, I am in the family home paying all the bills...

....just playing games. Any advice?
It sounds like you are both "playing games".

If your husband/ex is in jail, then you're not going to receive child support. If you are debating on "reporting him", it sounds like you don't have any legitimate fear for your safety or anything, but are thinking of using the "jail card" as some punishment. If he's in jail the next few months, until a hearing, that means your kids go without child support those next few months as well. Had you thought of that?

Why won't you simply give him his tools? It sounds like tools, are his trade.
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Old 04-24-2013, 11:06 AM
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Mess gave you excellent advice. Follow it.

As far as reporting your ex - if you or your children are in danger, then, yes, throw his ass in jail asap. Otherwise, take the high road.

Oh how I hate the high road.
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