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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 10-07-2010, 10:52 AM
yka yka is offline
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Default Please give me some info

Hello, I have been visiting this forum as guest since a year ago and now decided to join in and hopefully get some insight.

I have been in common law relationship since late 2005 and my child was born early 2006.

Lately, he has this… Well I start to see it as pattern now that I can say habit. For every couple months or so, I get beaten once. The very recent one was yesterday when he stomped on me and beat me. A couple months ago, he shoved me to the floor that made me hit picture frames till they broke and started beating me.

I kind of had enough since this beating has become worse and worse I live in fear. We actually got council several years ago. I think it was when my baby was a couple months old. The beatings stop until late last year.

I kind of wonder if he is suffering from mental illness. I read somewhere on the internet that men who abuse their partner usually pick to hit body part where it is not visible to others but mine, he pretty much hit me on my body, legs and arms, hands. The bruises are visible to others.

What I really want to know,

What happened if I called the police?

And if I decide to separate from him, are we going to have 50-50 custody or can I have major custody over my kid. I don’t mind my kid with him or his family as long someone neutral near by to watch her. You see, his mother is nasty and basically she is the only topic that leads mouth argument to beating. He and his family speak another language I do not understand. 2 years ago, I found out his mother has been teaching my child to call me whore in their language. I just cannot have that. What other things has she been teaching my child to disrespect me?

More details to help the case, we bought a condo together. Currently, he is in college full time and I work full time.

After all these beatings and daily verbal insults, why am I still with him? Because I worry about my kid. I am afraid of what is going to happen if we separate. Again, this is what I want, custody of my child. I don’t mind my kid sees the father and family as long there is someone neutral there. And where would I live then? He’s parents have a house and they are joyful to have him back. My parents live in a condo and there is no room for me there. I am in my early twenties and he is in middle twenties if age matters.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:26 AM
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Contact a local women's shelter NOW.

Forget about wondering why you tolerated the abuse. You can sort that out later. Some of us know how you can get stuck in a rut. You are not alone but you must contact a local women's shelter NOW and go with your child.

Crazy abusive people are unpredictable and you have no idea what can happen tonight. He may suspect something before you realize it. Crazy people are bad but they are not always stupid.

Contact a local women's shelter NOW.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:27 AM
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Woman get out now and take those kids with you, contact a woman's safe house, they can help you. I wish I could just cry for every person that goes through abuse like this, I went through it for 13 years mental, emotional, sexual , and minor physical, I didnt call the cops, and I stayed with my abuser for the sake of my kids...when will people realize that being beaten and abused is NOT good for your children, but if you dont do this now it will only continue and possibly get worse for you and your kids.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:33 AM
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Start planning to leave now. There are women shelters. Give him and his family NO indication you are planning to leave with your child. Once you are at a shelter, you will get the advice and support you need, which will help you figure out why you have tolerated the abuse for so long.
If you have no proof of the previous assaults, it will be difficult to prove in court. It would be very useful to phone the police the next time he assaults you, but hopefully there won't be a "next time" because you and your child will be gone.
Your parents may be more supportive of you and their grandchild than you realize. You need help -- start getting it, now, especially for the sake of your child.
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:54 AM
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You absolutely need to get out and protect yourself and your child. Should you be beaten again, make sure to call the police as soon as you can (be careful about fighting back because if he has any injuries you could be charged). Roll into a ball while the abuse is happening to protect yourself.

Documenting the abuse is extremely important through medical reports and police reports. Abusers will twist everything around once you leave and it could turn into he said/she said and believe me there are a lot of people out there who questions abuse because of a few people who have used this false claim to "win" in litigation.

If he is charged with assault, I believe you'd automatically get a restraining order for you and maybe your child as well as temporary exclusive possession of the home. You could try to get this anyway without involving police but you would need to file an ex-parte motion indicating why you need such extreme measures to protect you and your child - it is very possible you could get this.

Get to a womens shelter should you need it. Start documenting dates, times, injuries somewhere for possible use later. Check out these websites for more info.
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Be careful, protect yourself and your child. You would have a good argument for supervised access at least temporarily if the abuse is believable to a judge.

Wish you all the best. I myself am a survivor of abuse and still struggling through the court process. However, 16 months into separation, I still have supervised access in place and I am relatively safe. I look forward to eventually putting this horror behind me entirely.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:10 PM
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You need to call the police and have him charged. RIGHT NOW. After he is arrested make sure you get to the court house and file an emergency motion to have custody and rights to your home. If he is released from jail and he most likely will be make sure you understand the conditions of his release and follow them.

You need to stop the abuse. He wont. It does not matter why you stayed.

Listen to what Mominneed has said to you as well, she is absolutley correct with all her advice.
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:53 PM
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Please follow the advice above and get out, with your child, before it happens again.

I was also abused, and I know how you feel, probably second-guessing yourself. Do you keep wondering if it really is all that bad? If you deserve it? Are you making excuses for his behaviour? Has he cut you off from your friends or family?

There are people here who understand. You need to get yourself somewhere safe. Please do that and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:25 PM
yka yka is offline
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Thank You for all the advise. I'd like to talk about it with my parents first. I never tell them this. They knew he hit me and knew about the council but they thought it ended there.

I definitly will take myself somewhere safe and i believe my parents will support once they knew the issue.

But we, even my parents never expirience any of this so It will be glad to hear what you have expirience like winning custody, home, if he needs to pay child support and or spose support or maybe me the one have to pay him support since he is not working and I do.

I need to be educated once I moved. What will happen then since there is a child involved. Me and my parents really do not like the child to spend time with the dad and his family because they are not going to be professionals about this. We are afraid they are going to take her away to another country. What happen then? I lose the child forever since I dont know where they live (in that other country) and believe me they are that kind of person so I have to be careful in my every steps.
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Old 10-07-2010, 09:40 PM
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Default Get out now

Please do what others have already said..get out of there now and take your child with you. Go to womens shelter, and call the police. He will be charged and placed on an Undertaking. That would stop this abuse, and work in your favor to get full custody. What's stopping him from taking the child anywhere right now ??? absolutely NOTHING.
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Old 10-08-2010, 12:00 AM
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Women's shelters are there for a reason. Go, and they will help you. They have people who know the laws, and will help you through the problems. What everyone is saying is to protect yourself first.

He is abusive. You will get custody. He will have to pay child support. He will be under conditions to keep the peace. He will be forced to move from the house.

You need to go and make an emergency order, and it will happen immediately. The people at the shelter will help you do this.

Once you are safe, and things settle down, then you can deal with the rest of the issues. First things first are you and your kid's safety. Everything else is secondary.

In your application you can voice your concerns about access, and the judge will most likely put conditions on his access to the kids, if not stop them temporarily, or make them supervised, and also order that the children not be removed from the jurisdiction.
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