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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 06-03-2013, 04:02 PM
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Default Parental Anxiety - "A Nation of Wimps"

A Nation of Wimps
Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bumps out of life for their children. However, parental hyperconcern has the net effect of making kids more fragile; that may be why they're breaking down in record numbers.
By Hara Estroff Marano, published on November 01, 2004 - last reviewed on February 19, 2013
http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...1/nation-wimps

Quote:
In his now-famous studies of how children's temperaments play out, Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan [b]has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences...

...

Parents need to abandon the idea of perfection and give up some of the invasive control they've maintained over their children. The goal of parenting, Portmann reminds, is to raise an independent human being. Sooner or later, he says, most kids will be forced to confront their own mediocrity. Parents may find it easier to give up some control if they recognize they have exaggerated many of the dangers of childhood—although they have steadfastly ignored others, namely the removal of recess from schools and the ubiquity of video games that encourage aggression.

...

There are kids who are worth worrying about—kids in poverty, stresses Anderegg. "We focus so much on our own children," says Elkind, "It's time to begin caring about all children."
Very interesting (and long) article. The courts are now faced with having to sort through the "evidence" (worries/anxieties) of over-protective / over-anxious parents in custody and access disputes...

Depending on the level of parental anxiety it may be driven by deluded thinking (anxious/nervous thinking) or by a parent who deceives to "gain control" over the other parent. Equally concerning and equally as dangerous in the family court system in my personal opinion.

As explained by Leonoff and Montague, in the Guide to Custody and Access Assessments ( Toronto: Carswell, 1996) at 357 is:

Quote:
There is a gradient between the parent who consciously deceives and the one who is deluded in belief and whose accusation are built of several elements: personal history projected unto the relationship; shock and betrayal turned into malevolent mistrust of the other; aggression and hatred; fears based on regressed violent behaviour at the termination of the marriage; comments made in emotional turmoil; suggestibility enhanced by outsiders who are keen to find sexual abuse in men; wishes to denigrate, humiliate and punish the ex-spouse; distortion in thought processes in the mentally vulnerable parents who view their overreaction as protectiveness; and finally, a fervent desire to win a custody case and to be rid of the person forever.
Quote cited in the following case law (para. 65):

N.S. v. D.A.S., 2003 CanLII 2448 (ON SC)
Date: 2003-10-22
Docket: 705/99
Parallel citations: 49 RFL (5th) 219
URL: CanLII - 2003 CanLII 2448 (ON SC)
Citation: N.S. v. D.A.S., 2003 CanLII 2448 (ON SC)

Parental anxiety may lead to an over-anxious parent projecting their personal history (childhood) leading to a possible distortion in thought processes in the mentally vulnerable over-protective / over-anxious parents who view their overreaction as protectiveness. This could all be a learned behaviour from childhood and resulting from themselves (false accusers) of being raised by over-protective / over-anxious parents themselves...

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 06-03-2013, 05:47 PM
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There use to be show on Slice called "Bubble Wrap Kids".

It demonstarted this very well. The host helped over-protective parents give back their kids childhood.

"Host Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids, helps parents shed some of their child-rearing fears by debunking media myths around perceived societal dangers. Lenore offers up advice, and takes each family through a series of challenges designed to push parents' boundaries and give their family more freedom."
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Old 06-03-2013, 05:59 PM
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I think it may sound paradoxical, but I think you have to start young with rules and boundaries. You have to teach kids to behave, teach them to think. Then when they are older, you give them enough room to learn by easing off and letting them make their own mistakes.

My kids learned to be polite and respectful to new people they meet. They have learned to think things through, to use reason, not be too impulsive. So now we let them experience things for themselves, and we hope what we taught them holds. My kids wouldn't let themsleves be smothered by us.
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Old 06-03-2013, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
I think it may sound paradoxical, but I think you have to start young with rules and boundaries. You have to teach kids to behave, teach them to think. Then when they are older, you give them enough room to learn by easing off and letting them make their own mistakes.

My kids learned to be polite and respectful to new people they meet. They have learned to think things through, to use reason, not be too impulsive. So now we let them experience things for themselves, and we hope what we taught them holds. My kids wouldn't let themsleves be smothered by us.
Wow. I couldn't agree more.
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Old 06-07-2013, 04:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
I think it may sound paradoxical, but I think you have to start young with rules and boundaries. You have to teach kids to behave, teach them to think. Then when they are older, you give them enough room to learn by easing off and letting them make their own mistakes.

My kids learned to be polite and respectful to new people they meet. They have learned to think things through, to use reason, not be too impulsive. So now we let them experience things for themselves, and we hope what we taught them holds. My kids wouldn't let themsleves be smothered by us.
Agreed, I think there is an inverse relationship between control and age, lots of control in the beginning and as they grow you let go and let them implement the things they learnt or make mistakes at the end you have no control (Whether you like it or not) and you just have to have faith that the time and lessons have paid off.
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Old 06-07-2013, 07:53 PM
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Downtrodden Dad has it right. Rules and boundaries help teach children right from wrong and also self-reliance. I guess the self-reliance or "easing off and letting them make their own mistakes" as DD aptly phrases it, is where the paradox comes in, as DD also noted.

Kids will not always accept or like our efforts at first. Having boundaries and rules fosters self-confidence and self-esteem, very important traits. Children will come to realize that with these boundaries and rules they can feel secure. Without self-esteem there is danger of becoming an abuser and also a victim of abuse.

Parents who also explain why these boundaries and rules are taught will give the children insight and knowledge for aiding them in handling life's difficulties.

Independence is fostered by the enhanced self esteem and confidence they have learned by their parents' willingness to teach them limits.

Following is a quote quote I came across very recently, and I'm sure will be met with disagreement with more than a few parents: Dr. Robert Anthony, in his book "The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence", states once a child reaches 18 years or upon completing school, they should be required to find their own living quarters. He believes that "nothing builds more self-reliance in a young adult than having to live alone."
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