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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2012, 03:19 PM
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pokeman has a little shameless behaviour in the past
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just setting expectations where 'recordings' might go - no where !

i would hate to see someone getting abused thinking if they just
recorded it its their holy grail and salvation - the 911 tape and
pounding on the bathroom door might however get traction.

_FB has already indicated his spouse admitted slapping him on 911
tape ... how many recording does he need ?

true you can listen to them later as a reminder what you endured,
true you can play them on the internet like i ( and 10,000 others have listened too )

http://www.wheretheylie.com

however if there is no will in the system to recognize abuse and violence
against a man then they are useless. seek out a lawyer another man/father trusted and was treated fairly is the best 'long term' solution I can think of for _FB from what I have read .
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2012, 03:59 PM
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pokeman is correct on many points. Violence against men is a reality.

This is just an idea and maybe other posters might offer their opinion:

During the day when everything is calm at home why don't you go down to your local police detachment and ask to have a chat with the police sergeant. Explain that you want to know what your rights are and what constitutes assault. Tell him that you are very worried about your safety when your stbx gets into one of her moods and comes at you. I would point out that if a woman was in this situation the police would probably apply for an EPO (emergency protection order) or encourage her to have her lawyer get a restraining order. I would ask them if there are two different rules - one for men and one for women. You can probably expect a response that they do not want to get involved with ongoing court issues (child custody, divorce). In other words, they might try to distract you and lead the conversation elsewhere. Maybe if you provide the police with more information (I believe you mentioned she was bi-polar and had recently been in mental health hospital)?

Talking to the cop in charge might help you at least understand the law regarding domestic violence from those who are supposed to protect you.

You might want to ask them what uttering threats constitutes.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 09-02-2012, 04:03 PM
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I would also add that you should be very careful about thinking the violence against you is going to effect your child custody outcome. Unless your wife assaults your children I don't think it will matter a whit. Make sure your motives in calling the police are legitimate and not done out of an attempt to make her look bad in future litigation - that is what police are particularly sensitive about. They simply don't want to be used for child custody battles.

I'm sure there is a battered men's group in the greater Toronto area. There is one in most major cities. Getting in touch with that organization might be a good step for you in learning how to deal with an abusive spouse.
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
Not to minimize - and it does appear you are experiencing an unfortunate double standard - but you really should be calling the regular police line for these incidents.

**9-1-1** is for life and death emergencies and is widely misused. Back to what I said yesterday: you are sitting on a powderkeg there. I know it sucks, but some distance (close friend or family that lives close by) would be ideal.

if your are being abused call 911
you also need to take steps to protect yourself, women go to shelters
and at this time all I can offer you is seek out a lawyer you can trust
that wont lay down (in court) cause your a man/father ...

Last edited by pokeman; 09-02-2012 at 07:15 PM.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:20 AM
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Wow. I didn't get any notifications of all these posts.

I will have to digest them and respond. Thanks for everyone's support.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2012, 11:52 AM
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In regards to the recordings, I feel better having them. I'm not sure if they will ever be useful. The police certainly didn't care that I had the video. I did not disclose that I had the audio as I was still recording the whole time they were there.

On the weekend I went to my good friends house. I've known him since I was 3. He is my alternate for my power of attorney and my will should my dad not be able to perform either task. I brought him my copies of all the documents and asked him to hold them for safe keeping. He and his wife both asked me if I was concerned for my safety, and I had to tell them that I was not sure, this concerned them. He is a doctor so he does have some "basic" mental health training. She is very unpredictable and I do not know if she would have the capability to take it further. It does concern me.

I do find it very frustrating that calling the cops is viewed as me positioning and not just trying to stop an escalation of violence against myself. Of course my stbx always positions it as it being nothing and me trying to make her look bad. On all the occasions I called the cops I'm not sure how far the arguments and attacks would have continued had I not called the police. The police reports also state that I called the cops to stop the situation from escalating. Which in my opinion is a good way to view it even if no charges come from it.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
pokeman is correct on many points. Violence against men is a reality.

This is just an idea and maybe other posters might offer their opinion:

During the day when everything is calm at home why don't you go down to your local police detachment and ask to have a chat with the police sergeant. Explain that you want to know what your rights are and what constitutes assault. Tell him that you are very worried about your safety when your stbx gets into one of her moods and comes at you. I would point out that if a woman was in this situation the police would probably apply for an EPO (emergency protection order) or encourage her to have her lawyer get a restraining order. I would ask them if there are two different rules - one for men and one for women. You can probably expect a response that they do not want to get involved with ongoing court issues (child custody, divorce). In other words, they might try to distract you and lead the conversation elsewhere. Maybe if you provide the police with more information (I believe you mentioned she was bi-polar and had recently been in mental health hospital)?

Talking to the cop in charge might help you at least understand the law regarding domestic violence from those who are supposed to protect you.

You might want to ask them what uttering threats constitutes.
This is a very good point and I might do this.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2012, 01:07 PM
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At least you will get a better idea on where they stand on the whole issue - cop think. Don't be confrontational with them but do be prepared to stand up for yourself.

Are you meeting with your lawyer soon? You had mentioned in one of your posts that your lawyer was going to give thought to how you should be handling the situation.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2012, 01:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
At least you will get a better idea on where they stand on the whole issue - cop think. Don't be confrontational with them but do be prepared to stand up for yourself.

Are you meeting with your lawyer soon? You had mentioned in one of your posts that your lawyer was going to give thought to how you should be handling the situation.
I was not confrontational I was pretty firm and the male officer seemed to see where I was coming from. However his suggestion was to go to another room to get away from her. I had told him that what I had done and she kept following me. He said I should have a lock on my door. I told him I had just bought it that day. Then he said he didn't know what else to tell me.

I did talk to my lawyer via email. We are proceeding with the court application which I am scheduled to sign on Thursday. But he said he needed me to fill out some paperwork which I have yet to see. I will contact him now asking where it is.

When she gets served though I believe she is going to lose it.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2012, 02:18 PM
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That's a good thing that you spoke with the cops personally. Keep scrupulous notes of this conversation (time, date, badge number) as you never know, might be handy.

Advice commonly given to women (such as myself) when you are living in a volatile situation is: have an escape plan (money, passport, etc.) and keep your cell phone close to you at all times (even under your pillow). I think it is important to ensure that the lock you install is a very strong one and possibly get some sort of bar so she can't just kick the door down (in the event she loses it while you are in the basement). Make sure all of the things that are of sentimental value and could be damaged are moved to a safe place. Abusers love to hurt things you love if they can't physically hurt you. You might want to give thought to having a friend come over to hang with you the day/evening she gets served or even go to a friend's house for a while. Make sure those cameras are rolling.

Find out the number and contact for Abused men - must be an organization in your area. They would have excellent information for you.
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