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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2009, 02:24 PM
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Default new..need advice.

HI everyone.

I of course never expected to be here, but I need advice from people who know what I am dealing with. Who've had the courage to do something.

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are now in our early 30s with a preschool daughter. I always knew he had problems (but we all do). His father was physically and mentally abusive, where he grew up that was almost normal. He knew it was wrong and always vowed he wouldn't be like him. Alas...


A month ago things got really out of hand. He had been calling me names and saying nasty things for a day already, but then he started doing in front of our daughter. We were out looking at homes, and he would be so nice in front of the realtor, but everytime we got back in the car it would start up again. When we finally got home I arranged (secretly) for someone to take our daughter for the night. Luckily too, because he hit me that night


After she left we didn't talk for an hour or more, then he actaully asked me to have sex, I said no, not after the way you have been treating me today, and went up to bed. He followed up 5 mins later and basically burst the door in thinking I had said something rude to him ( I had responded that nobody was saying he was a bad parent). You can only guess what happened, but it involved knocking me over form behind, head butting and preventing me from leaving the house. He held me down, pushed me up the stairs and would not let me leave the house even though I was screaming at the top of my lungs. he even punched me in the stomach.I grabbed the phone and dialed his sisters, he grabbed the phone and broke it. After threatening to commit suicide if I left, he finally let me leave.

When I finally came home he was there. He was supposed to go down to his mom's but was home when I got there, using the excuse that he needed clothes. I reluctantly let him in.

He felt really bad and was been completely submissive for a few days, but I am not falling for it. This is not the first time, but it has been years since any of this has happened. I am trying to play along and keep the peace for now, just so we can finish the renos and get the house up for sale.

He is trying to get me agree to 50/50 custody, but I won't. I've already visited the local womens shelter and asked for legal help. They have knowledgeable lawyers and ways to speed up the temporary custody process.

I didn't call the cops, I couldn't put him in jail. I know I probably should have. I made sure to tell my sister and take photos of the bruises, just so I couldn't go back on it.

I don't wish anything bad on him, I do still love him. But in this case, love is not enough. I am giving it one last shot, maybe we can figure this out, but I am very skeptical. I WILL NOT live this way anymore, I HATE the person I am around him. It's like I'm living 2 different lives. For now I am trying to avoid disagreements andget along. He really seems like he wants to change, but I keep seeing the devil underneath.


We've started marriage counselling, but for me it is not addressing the issues. I've told him I want a temporary separation, but he insists on 50/50 custody. I am going to court on Monday to get legal advice. I was hoping some of you could help me with questions etc. This was not the first time, he pushed me once when I was pregnant, banged my head off a door once about a year ago. But he uses the threat of physical violence on a monthly basis, and in the past year has been mentally and emotionally abusive quite regularly.

I already have a safety plan in place, somewhere to go, legal papers for both myself and my daughter safely hid. I even have people ready to save my dog if need be. I justy need someone who knows what I going through to help me do it.
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Old 07-10-2009, 07:55 PM
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Whoa. I really want to write about this and I will when my daughter goes to bed, as she is crying right now. You aren't alone.
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Old 07-12-2009, 10:10 AM
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I think you are going to have to END this relationship. As much as you care for him, he is unstable, you are living in a state of fear. Do not give him one more shot at this point in time. I was in a seven year relationship that was violent. I gave it chance after chance. People with his sort of problem need professional help. There is nothing you can do to cure him, help him, save him. All you can do is save yourself and protect your child. You will having lasting psychological effects from his abuse. It is something you have to carry with you, that you will need to learn how to heal from. I always say to myself, in a perfect world, I would take my husband back. Because I care for him. Because we have a child together. But it is not a perfect world. Don't sell yourself short!
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Old 07-13-2009, 06:55 AM
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Thank you. I think you are right. I've taken the day off work and am going over to the family court this morning to get some legal advice. I doubt he will give me the separation I've asked for (and continue seeing the marriage counsellor). It looks like I am going to have to be the one to make the decision and leave.

Yes, I do still love him. It's been so many years and most of it was not like this (or this bad). That's what makes it so hard to do this.
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Old 10-07-2009, 12:16 PM
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Default Stay Strong!

Wow your story sounds VERY familiar! Unfortunatly, no matter how much you love him or even think that you might love him..he hit you. I know exactly what you are going through because I have been there. It took me years to get up the courage to leave but it was the best thing I did for both myself and the children. Do not give in! No matter what. He needs councelling seperately from your marriage councelling to deal with prior issues. Trust me, I had to move secretly because he has ppl following me. Even though he only hit you once, that's all it takes to start the trend. And sure he's sorry now, but what about next time...and maybe next time your daughter will see it. Think about how that will affect her. It will stay with her and may even be a factor on how she chooses men. Get yourself and your family safe first and foremost!!
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:03 PM
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I think it important that you do go to the police with your problem. He needs to take responsiblitity for his actions and will not do so otherwise. You are surely headed for more of the same without benefit of a restraining order.

He may be more powerful than you physically, but you need to empower yourself by using your head. Don't let this happen to you again, when you can do something to stop it.

Best wishes.
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Old 10-10-2009, 03:55 PM
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Default need advice!

We are not living together, haven't been for almost 2 months. First he moved out, then we were going to sell the house, so I moved in with my mom. It was too hard trying to keep the house spotless with a preschooler around! But he changed his mind and now is thinking of buying me out of the house and has moved back in.

He is getting a lot of counselling, anger management. I am looking for a support group in the Toronto area, as I have not found a counsellor that I am comfortable with. I really would like to talk to someone who has been where I am and can relate.

Anyway, I am open to him changing and can see that he really does want to change. I'm not sure if he can, but he is putting so much effort in. I know it will be a long time. He is very impatient though, can't understand that I need to be able to trust him (or feel safe with him) before I can even think of starting the relationship back up. And then we would have to do marriage counselling first.

I am going to a wedding this coming weekend for a highschool friend. My ex really wants to come, he was looking forward to it. I am unsure because I don't want to get emotional and feel uneasy there, it is my friend's day and I don't want to have anything happen to spoil it. I don't think he would do anything (he has never misbehaved in public). My sister is also going, she does not want him to come. Her fiance may not even come if I bring the ex.
So I need some advice here: do I take the ex or tell him he can't come? When I responded to the invite we were already separated so I only answered that i would attend. If I tell him no, how do I tell him without hurting his feelings?
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