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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 05-18-2009, 01:56 PM
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Heart-broken dad is on a distinguished road
Default My stupid, stupid story

Well, I'm a male, late-thirties who has NEVER hit anyone in his entire life. I was in a common-law relationship for 14 years, and two beautiful girls came out of this. I had known my ex-spouse since she was about 16 ( I was 18), but at the time, she was a foster child, living at my aunt's and I thought she was a bit too wild for me, plus my aunt and family warned me she was trouble. She had run-away from home, grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive house-hold, was into sex & drugs & rock'n'roll. She stayed friends with my cousin, and I lost touch with her until my grand-mother passed away, and then I saw her at the funeral. I was devastated by my grand-mother's death, and probably was vulnerable at that time. She gave me her phone number, so a few days later I called. Then I drove to visit her, and a relationship ensued. All was well in the beginning, except where, after a long and heated argument, she told me that "if she found someone else better than me, she would go for it". Looking back now, I probably should've let her go. But she appologized, and after a few days we were back together. Then we moved in, and that's when I discovered she had a temper. She would get this "look" in her eyes, and wold start throwing things around, and yell at the top of her lungs. Later, in counselling, it was explained that we both have very different ways of expressing ourselves: she was brought up in a home where yelling was the norm, where I, was quite the opposite, and can count on one hand how many times my parents yelled at me. She agreed to take anger management therapy, and for a while everything was ok. We bought a house, and strangely enough, she somehow became pregnant after being on the pill for the past 6 years. I was surprised, but still, for the sake of the child, I was happy even though I would've liked to get married first, before having children. A few years later, another child followed. There were a few instances where arguments had arisen, but I tried not to have my way too often, and simply said "yes, dear". When the children were a bit older, things started to change. When we had arguments, she would be "in my face", yelling and shoving. I'm not in confrontations, and would simply keep quiet in order to difuse the situation. In some instances, I would have to lock myself in one of the bedrooms, and she would kick and punch the door until I finally opened it. I always kept quiet about this, not telling my family or friends. I felt stupid that this was happening to me. You never hear about these things happening to men, and if you look at the spousal abuse webpage of your local police force, there's nothing there that is specifically aimed at men in distress. After 14 years, of her making me feel like crap, I left when she told me that we couldn't talk because she didn't trust me. I had enough. In the following weeks, we established a routine where I would see the kids while she was at work in the evening, and it was working out pretty well. I hadn't completely given up on her just yet, but was hoping that this would be a "wake-up" call and that she would get the help she needs. One night, after the kids were sleeping and she got back from work, I asked her if I could go in our bedroom to get some clothes. I took a suitcase and started packing some stuff. When I went to leave, she was standing at the door of the bedroom and said "you're not going anywhere, we need to talk." She had her hands on either side of the door frame, and had that "look" in her eyes. I told her that we couldn't do this now because the kids are sleeping. I asked her to let me through, she refused. I asked her again, and specifically said that she was restraining me against my will. She refused. I asked her 4 more times and finally told her that I would call the police if she didn't let me through. She called my bluff, and told me to call them. I picked up the phone in the bedroom, but instead of calling 911, I called 611. I would NEVER want anything bad to happen to her. I was so stupid. Suddenly, after she heard me dial the number, and heard that it was ringing at the other end, she snapped out of her anger fit, grabbed the phone from me, and hung it up, shouting "I can't believe you did that! The police is going to come here now! They're going to call back, and what am I going to say to them?!?!" I took the opportunuity to leave and get in my car. Once at a safe distance, I called her and told her about the deception. There were other times, where she would hide my car keys to stop me from leaving, and even once when she grabbed my arm to stop me from going and slammed the car door shut, almost on my fingers.

Why do I call this my "stupid story"? Because I never actually filed a report on her when I had the chance. I loved her, but I regret not doing so.

I've moved on now, and I'm happily married to a fantastic girl with no temper what-so-ever! It's incredible, but kinda spooky. It took me a few months before realizing that I could have an argument WITHOUT yelling, just debating my points against hers.

Unfortunately, because of the person that I am, and not willing to cause any hardship to my ex-spouse, I self-repped, and got screwed by her. The case is still on-going. People who doubted my story now see how happy I am with my new wife and that the things my ex was saying about me were never true. Her behaviour has cost her some dear friends who now take my side.

There are many other things that she's done to be, and to the kids, that I could talk about, but it doesn't seem like it's worth it. I'm looking to start a new family, and pray that my ex will get the help she needs one day.
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Old 05-19-2009, 11:14 PM
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Heart-broken dad, you are not alone. As the statistics show almost equal number of men get abused by their partners. However, most men are like you and me and keep it quiet because of embarrassment or for the sake of children. I don't think your story is stupid and I believe in every words you said. My ex was no different than yours. I stayed because of my son. I knew if I left him there she would destroy him to avenge me - she is still doing her best to that whenever he goes to her. My revenge is to move on with my life and live well.

I commend you for staying strong and staying cool. Congratulations on your new marriage. Hope every works out great for you and your children.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:03 PM
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I don’t think that your story is stupid. That is sad story. So many times I was in the similar situation like you was, to call 911 to protect myself. I never did it. I was always hoping that my husband will change and stopped with abusing me. I was always hoping that he will recognize my love and that my love will change him. But, that was never happened. He understands my behaviour like he has power over me and over my life. How some people can’t recognized love? How some people may to enjoy in bad treating other persons?
That is so nice that you find somebody who is so good person and you start with new, nice life. I wish you all the best. You give me hope that after exiting from bad marriage is possible to have a good life.
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:37 PM
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deedee is on a distinguished road
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i know how you feel...i had the opportunity to have 'him' charged in january...and i didn't. police even knew i was lying...he came home drunk and became very mean...yelling and calling me every name in the book...thru the coffee table with my tea on it...just a big mess...then he hit me...i was reading (or pretending to read...trying to stay calm) he hit my right hand which hit the book out of my hand also hitting my left hand...book went flying. i call 911 at that point...and locked myself in the washroom until they arrived. i am on disability right now for chronic injuries in both hands...which makes him hitting me in the hands even worse as he hit me at my weakest point. police were awesome...even helped clean up the mess...i had a choice...say he intentionally hit me...and they would cuff him and take him away...or say he unintentionly hit me when he was taking the book out of my hands...i went for the second option...they called his parents and his mom had to come and pick him up and he wasn't allowed back here for 24 hours. my life has been miserable ever since that incident...trying to get out of this relationship has proven to be the most difficult time in my life. i always say i will not have regrets in life...i will have life lessons...this is the biggest life lesson i've ever had...
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Old 06-12-2009, 06:41 AM
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it is the same no matter if it is the woman or man being hit. We, the abused, want to protect the abuser.
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