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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2015, 11:50 PM
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If more people pressed charges (this includes male victims) and got their abusers convicted, the police would take them seriously. Nobody wants to waste their time and energy on all that paperwork, only to see cases later tossed out.

After years of abuse I finally pressed charges and my Ex was held accountable. Did it benefit me financially? absolutely not. If anything, it made the divorce process that much more complicated.

The positives are that he "knows" that his bad behavior is on record - that's a good deterrent - restraining orders can also help in avoiding future problems.

As mentioned above, you are showing your children that there are indeed consequences to these acts of violence and the importance of standing up to bullies.

I agree with you that the system is often unfair to victims (male or female) still it's up to us to make the effort to denounce these nut cases and not give in to apathy.

Why should the courts and police officers take this seriously unless we do?
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Old 07-19-2015, 12:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
My ex-wife is half my size...
She is a woman and I am a man....
I have heard too many tales of men reporting abuse only to be shutdown...

I have been a through a "fair" court system where my ex admitted in court to lies which wrongfully earned her advantages and judges refused to correct the error on the basis of flimsy excuses that even when I explain to lawyers they don't understand... I have been to appeal only to be told that even though the judge committed an error in law his judgement is still valid anyways...

I was kicked out of my house with 48 hours notice, for no other reason except my ex-wife asked and was forced to hand over 95% of my paycheque over a year and then 2/3 of my pay for another 2 years.

My ex-wife is still unemployed 3 years later (a 35yr old university graduate) and she is going to try increase spousal support...

So SoTs, that is the context of why I am curious to see what becomes of this so called "gender neutral zero tolerance domestic violence" stuff.
____

I spoke to my kids, they think i should report it too. They are very level-headed good kids, I am so proud of them and they know that her behaviour is out of bounds.

I told them I don't think anything would happen to their mom (I don't want her in jail or anything). I told them the cops will probably ask them for their version and they were ok with that.

I will call the cops tonight and see what they say.
_______

I am sort of wondering what the consequences are of this.

-Judge some how blames me for causing conflict and uses as an excuse not to grant shared custody in December.

-She later punishes or intimidates the kids for speaking against her.

-She gets a criminal record - can't get a job, and I have to pay her more...

Other twisted negative repercussions...

___________

I have no shame or any other of these emotional issues associated with abuse though my ex tried her best to abuse me in and after my marriage, some people are just crazy and that's it. I recognized what she was doing and I put a swift end to it. It is really just the court system that completely blows me away... The legal system is the true abuser...

I feel for ya....went through a lot of the same sorta stuff....Co-workers got sick of me whining about it, as well as everyone else....I just think of the positives now, I have my health, I have a great relationship with the children and they are healthy, the system is geared towards helping the women in these situations, its natural. My doctor, my lawyer, my union, my boss, the police, the cfs lady, the candian mental health association counsellour all admit if I were a woman in this same position, things would be a whole lot different. I understand that a punch, a smashing on a door, a death threat, and verbal and physical child abuse is a lot more scary from a man than a woman, but its such a battle to get any kind of help or to be taken seriously as a man....even when your just trying to make life more calm and better for the children.
Corporate america treated me at my job different than a woman in my exact situation, I could do nothing and nobody gave 2 sh1ts. In the end it was if you don't like it leave....thank gawd for family helping me out when I needed it!

Anyhow the cops giggled at me on the phone when I had the same kind of complaint as you and said they don't want to kick the bee hive, they opened a file, took a statement and said I should do my best to steer clear of the women, if I feel threatened face to face with verbal or physical threats that I can not avoid in the future, I should call them Immediately and not call them the next day like the last time, and they would talk to her or them. I have a feeling a judge would even get upset at wasted time when a man presses abuse charges on a woman.

Last edited by undersc0re; 07-19-2015 at 12:55 AM.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2015, 01:28 AM
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I called the cops... they came and were like why are you calling us to get an advantage in a custody battle?

That really pissed me off... Exactly the type of cynical attitude I didn't want to face.

They said if we do anything, we're going to end up going to arrest your ex-wife right now or tomorrow. They actively discouraged me from filing the complaint said its going to make life hard, my kids will be questionned etc...

At the end they left their number and said think about it...
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Old 07-19-2015, 02:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
I called the cops... they came and were like why are you calling us to get an advantage in a custody battle? That really pissed me off... Exactly the type of cynical attitude I didn't want to face. They said if we do anything, we're going to end up going to arrest your ex-wife right now or tomorrow. They actively discouraged me from filing the complaint said its going to make life hard, my kids will be questionned etc... At the end they left their number and said think about it...
ugh if you wanted for a few months or brought it up just in court then it would be for an advantage in a custody battle IMHO. I feel for you, with my ex there were no kids for a custody battle but it was like the cops just didn't want to get involved even though I had clear bruises on my neck from him strangling me. I don't think its a gender issue, its just the police not wanting to get involved in domestic disputes. If the cops always side with women then why didn't they arrest my ex??The only way they finally paid attention is after I went to the JP and had a restraining order put into place. There is nothing to think about, file the charges. The kids will be questioned but hell they were right there when it happened. If your ex gets charged and goes to court over this and gets some sort of punishment (most likely probabation and anger management sessions if there is no previous record) then will you stop saying that its all gender biased??
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Old 07-19-2015, 08:38 AM
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Press the charges. The cops are there to do their job not tell you what's going on in your custody case. Let them arrest her. She assaulted you, who cares if she is half your size. If you really want to teach your kids the importance of doing what's best, press the charges. Your ex, their mother, a friend, stranger, coworker... it doesn't matter, someone assaults you, charge them.
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Old 07-19-2015, 09:29 AM
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You do not live with your ex. She assaulted you in your home. I agree with Berner_Faith. Of course police have to deal with people who pack-pedal after the incident and it probably creates lots of paperwork for them. This is not your concern.

If more men would adopt a zero tolerance to domestic violence from their ex-wives then I think we could see a change in how courts process charges. Perhaps there would be an allocation of resources for men's shelters and counselling services.

If your ex gets an admonition from the judge and told to attend anger management then that is a good thing. She will then be put on the police 'radar' and you can then have some reassurance that should she become aggressive again that you can call the police and receive immediate assistance. Hopefully this is true.

I'd proceed and quit listening to other nay-sayers who tell you that to pursue the matter is a waste of time. Your situation is different from their situation. No children should have to be subjected to family violence. Your ex needs to be set straight. If your ex is slugging you in the stomach then it's safe to assume that your relationship with her can't get much worse than it already is.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2015, 09:37 AM
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Mayham is the weapon of family court and if you do not use it it will be used against you. I wonder if your x has considered reporting you punched her. You will be arrested immediately the kids will say otherwise but first things first, cops don,t care they arrest you remove your kids from you make criminal court date 2 months from now until then you on criminal court restraining order.
Going to family court to deal with it is pointless as criminal supersedes family, making further delays, and when the truth comes there will be not a consequence or a cost to the accuser and by then the punch from your x may just be swept under the rug with the delay.
Think about it you have no choice but to be the first to report it, it is not important that police do nothing for you as this may at least protect you from a assault charge just because this will turn into to much work for the cops, it is the way the system plays us against ourselves.

Now think positive , screw her to the wall with this, claim pain from the jagged punch and the traumatizing effects your children have been through and add a whole bunch more made up stuff. How you can't work now and your bowels are tied up and the look of terror in her eyes and the look of helplessness in the eyes of your children and the real story about how your whole married life has been this way and you tried to live through it but need help as your a victim of this predators violent past that has now come to light and now you know how you must find the courage to confront this evil to protect THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CHILDREN.

This is what a great lawyer does. Lies and convinces others to believe in their client , male or female, yes gender matters, females have more credibility right of the bat. That not a fact that is just the way we are. I am a man I will protect a woman out of instinct and I don,t know why and don,t care. It is what it is

Ya it is all bull, but family law is all bull so fight bull with bull and do something about it. And if your feeling guilty, remember you are doing this for your kids and do not stop reminding yourself of that. More pain more gain.

Last edited by Franklin; 07-19-2015 at 09:41 AM.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2015, 10:28 AM
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There is a poster (male) from this forum who is currently facing criminal charges. His ex pushed her way into his home, aggressively provoking him to hit her (which he did not). He took her by the arm and led her to the door. A week or so later he was charged. His ex went to a women's shelter and the shelter called the police. Of course his ex bruises easily. He was never asked to give a statement rather just finger-printed/processed. He has retained criminal lawyer and I believe his case will be heard fairly soon (if it goes to court).

Links this could be you. You don't know if your ex is going to make up some wild convoluted story within the next few days. You have witnesses but that certainly won't stop her from making your life living hell. Don't drag your feet on this.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2015, 11:48 AM
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I really agree with all of you but a friend lawyer of mine who knows her as well said that it WOULD make life much more complicated and I should probably wait for another incident but it is documented anyways.
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Old 07-19-2015, 12:06 PM
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I do hope that you and your children do not have to experience this again.

Hopefully you will set up better boundaries and keep your distance from your ex. Don't put yourself in a situation where she is physically in proximity to strike out at you. Certainly do not have her in your home. Had you put your hands up to defend yourself you could have been charged yourself.

Your situation is a good example of why there needs to be men's centres with counselling for domestic abuse/violence.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ab...abused-men.htm

http://domesticviolence.gouv.qc.ca/need_resources.php

http://www.santemontreal.qc.ca/en/su...usal-violence/

http://www.serviceaideconjoints.org/En/Video/
(check out the statistics about male victims of violence on this one - old stats but the fact there are stats is encouraging.

Last edited by arabian; 07-19-2015 at 12:29 PM.
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