Live in boyfriend abuse and effect on child

[BestDad]

The Ex-wife never ceases to amaze me about how much you think you know someone... Always one thing after another:

A week ago her boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence. I have very little details about what happened, but they were arguing, one of them called the police and they arrested him. Alcohol was involved. She told me the next day and said it was over and that he was restricted from seeing her. Luckily my son was with me that night (we share 50% access).

I consulted a lawyer the very next day and he told me not to worry and that in 99% of cases the relationship ends then, not to mention he would have a restraining order (but for how long?). I had my doubts since this is the third time he was supposed to leave and never did.

Behold about a week later I hear from my son (6 year old) that the boyfriend is "around", so I confront the ex and tell her she's making a big mistake, and that I fear for my son's security (physical, of course, but mainly I'm worried about the emotional impact it would have on him.). She hasn't as yet confirmed her living arrangements (she owns her house) with me, she is simply avoiding the question. She didn't even deny when I mentioned all the warning flags that he was indeed abusive. She didn't even deny it when I said he would do it again, and probably worst. She is behaving like a typical victim of abuse from what I read.

So how do I protect my son from this? Sounds very much like she is exercising very bad judgement by being involved with this man. He has never done anything to my son, but did tell me he is afraid to tell his mom that he doesn't want boyfriend to hurt her anymore because he is afraid of boyfriend.

Can I as the father of my son get a restraining order to prevent contact between the boyfriend and my son? Is the fact that he was arrested proof enough that my child should not be exposed to this man any longer?

Or, do I have a case for full custody, given she is choosing to continue this relationship? How much proof would I need?

I do plan on seeing a lawyer again, but with the holidays and all, I'd like to get opinions in the meantime.

[standing on the sidelines]

If he is in going against the restraining order then call the cops. Call family services and report that the child maybe in danger becasue of the assault and the boyfriends drinking.

As for the lawyer saying to you that 99% of cases the relationship ends after an arrest I would like to know where he gets his info. It is hard to break out of an abusive relationship. I know, I was in one.

Good luck

[BestDad]

The problem is, she won't tell me what the status is. Obviously she wouldn't admit to breaching the restraining order...

I feel cheated of good money from that lawyer... I know when he told me that it didn't seem right, but I guess it was what I wanted to hear. Now I have to spend more money on another lawyer.

Is it just me or does it seem like if you don't retain a lawyer and simply pay for a consultation you never seem to get the real answers? Looking for a good lawyer in Ottawa...

[standing on the sidelines]

I wonder if the police would tell you? How did you find out about the order to begin with?

[BestDad]

She's the one who told me about it. I have very limited information from her, and I don't think she's being totally truthful with me. Last week she finally told me he would appear in court this week, and she claimed it was really over, but I heard from my son that he was still around.

I'm willing to threaten her with legal action if she returns with this man, but I'm not sure what kind of legal ground I have. I know my son is not in immediate danger, but whatever happened a few weeks ago is bound to happen again and my son could be witness to it.

Any advice anyone?

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

My understanding is that you can go in and ask for a copy of both the order and the arrest report as these are both a matter of public records.
You will have to provide details so that the proper paper work can be found as they will not simply stop what they are doing at the police station to go rooting through files for you. We had our lawyer request arrest information and back ground info for court.
And he found a restraining order etc on the ex.

I think you have good grounds to request a variance of custody if you can get the restraining order and assault records etc. I understand that if she continues to let this person into her home and subsequently in the presents of the children she could easily be told by a judge to surrenter the children until this changes at least temporarily until she proves to the court this person will no longer be permitted in the home etc.

I would politely, and away of the children etc tell her that you are worried about her choice of partners/friends and his influence on the children. Express your concerns and tell her you feel you'll have to seek a variance of custody if this person is permitted to be in their presence. It's obviously very serious to you and of course to the well being of the children. No parent acting in the best interests of the children would intentionally harm their children, but she may be caught in the vicious circle of abuse and cannot yet break free due to clouded “emotional” stress and if that is the case you must step up and do what is best for the children.

[Barry Allen]

This fellow seems to be in breach of what should be conditions of bail that keep him out of jail. Likely they are; no contact with your ex, stay away from the home, not possess fire arms, knifes etc, no intoxicants and perhaps attendance at anger management and/or alcohol treatment and a bail program. If he is found to have breached any of these, then there is a good chance that he will stay in jail as he waits for his case to come up.

It's a shame that your boy has to be near any part of this and more of a shame that his mom would put him in that position. The fact that there was abuse in the home should have been reported to you by Family and Children's Services. I would recommend calling them and getting all your information organized as you may need it sooner than later.