Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:10 PM
Janus's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,298
Janus will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post

You owe it to your child to ensure he/she is going into a safe environment.
Please, we all know what is happening here. Father wants to be with his kids. OP has him stuck on weekends and harasses him during that time. Even when he doesn't have the kids she is calling the cops to "help".

This is naked ploy to get sole custody. We've heard this crap before, "I'm too afraid to send my kid to my ex, better if they stay with me".

This is about a mother trying to twist the system to remove a father from his child's life. She needs to stop interfering. Kids don't need nightly calls from a mom who is trying to hurt them. Exes don't need police help. Mama needs to stop being a mama 1/7th of the time. Good for her, good for the ex, but most of all good for the kids.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:29 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,852
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

mama: Pay no attention to misogynistic remarks posted by Janus.

Safety and well-being of your child is of utmost importance. You are quite right, in my opinion, to be concerned.

Good luck
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:31 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Please, we all know what is happening here. Father wants to be with his kids. OP has him stuck on weekends and harasses him during that time. Even when he doesn't have the kids she is calling the cops to "help".

This is naked ploy to get sole custody. We've heard this crap before, "I'm too afraid to send my kid to my ex, better if they stay with me".

This is about a mother trying to twist the system to remove a father from his child's life. She needs to stop interfering. Kids don't need nightly calls from a mom who is trying to hurt them. Exes don't need police help. Mama needs to stop being a mama 1/7th of the time. Good for her, good for the ex, but most of all good for the kids.
The mother already has sole custody, so that is not the motive. The only possible legal change here is to move to supervised custody.

Whether that is warranted is up to the courts, upon examining the provided facts.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 04:08 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 27
mama_pumpkin is on a distinguished road
Default

Mess- I don't have sole custody. I did not ask for it because at the time I felt that our custody order and parenting plan was very thorough and covered most of the issues we could reasonably encounter for the next few years at least, and I was willing to work with him or a parental coordinator over bigger issues. What I did not forsee was the harrassment I was going to be subjected to once we moved out. There was enough of that going on while we were under the same roof, but I believed the physical distance would take care of that.

Janus you have got to be kidding me. You are making some pretty great assumptions here as to what the situation is and singling me out that I harrass him, that could not be further from the truth. I was contacted by the GF who was frantic about his location. Something triggered him to behave the way that he did, which caused her to call the police first because she feared that he could hurt himself. I kept him on the phone to calm him down while the police could ping his cell and safely locate him. Talking to our son was the only thing that would have kept him on the line, and sorry, despite all the crazy in the last two years, I could not fathom hanging up on him and letting the chips fall where they may and not feel responsible if something worse happened. Had he not made 'suggestive comments' as the officer put it, to the police himself they wouldn't have taken him to the hospital at all.

However having said that, after hearing the distress he was in and getting the very clear impression that he was not intending on being around much longer, how can I just hand over a 5 year old with no assurance 5 days later? His moods range from intense hostility to great grief, with little inbetween, at least where it concerns me. I realise that there are a lot of upset parents in here who readily compare their spouses to anything they might read as a similar trait from someone who writes on these boards, but that needs to be separated and not judged as a whole. This is about a specific incident from a person with a history of depression long before our marital problems, not just my feeling creeped out and wanting sole custody. As noted, I already have him most of the time, realistically sole custody won't change much except making decisions such as what activities he currently participates in. Our order already includes a parenting plan which outlines schedules, religion, schooling, health concerns, extra curricular acitivities, etc. and involvement for making major decisions. I would not want to decrease his access or visitation overall, just have it supervised for a time until he was healthy. For the record, he has EOW because he refused the schedule I offered at mediation and court, which gave him mid week overnights access in addition to the alternating weekends, and all the PA days, since he said his work was flexible, extra weekends and extended summer holidays and stat holidays and a gradual increase in time as the child became older. Had he accepted he would have had about 40/60. He gave it all up with no explanation or reason why and now only has about 15/85.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 04:18 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: East, small community
Posts: 226
Lorac is on a distinguished road
Default

Hi Mama

For what it's worth I would not allow my son to go to his fathers while he is in this state. On the flip of a dime he could decide to take his life as well as your sons. His anger is directed at you because you left and not him. The party that leaves gets over separation much faster than the one who didn't.

I don't know your husband and neither does anyone here. You have to decide for yourself whether or not the safety of your son takes priority over some court order until you are able to discuss it with a lawyer. As a mom I know what I would do and it wouldn't be allowing my son at 5..10...15 to go into this kind of mental stress your husband is going through.

My son and my daughter-in-law have 2 children together and one she has from a previous relationship and he is the oldest. They get along great, my grandson calls both his bio dad and my son "dad". He has the best of both world and they all love him dearly as I do. Now that's what I call in the best interest of the child...he'll be 14 in July and my son has had him in his life since he was two.

My oldest sons girlfriend is divorced and she has one child, they have none together. Matthew spends one week with Dad and one week with Mom and that's how they like it. Mathew's dad calls every night to say goodnight when she has him and Mathew's mom call every night when dad has him.

I have never seen happier kids than these two. Parents don't fight, they get along...they are invited to each other's birthday parties ect. It can be done.

Obviously this is not for everyone and by the sound of your case I would NOT allow my son to go over to his fathers. If it was the mother who was sick again as a father I would NOT allow my son to go to his mothers.

I really don't think this is the appropriate time for anyone to get upset and say he has the right to see his child, or you are making it worse so he can't see him, or you called the police. They are not privy to your relationship with your husband or his anger/depression/suicide tendency...scarry.

L
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 04:20 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,852
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

mama: I am pleased that you responded and so eloquently explained your situation. I am in agreement with you and would add that too often people make blanket statements and try to wash the poster as an evil, conniving individual without reading the thread thoroughly.

I am divorced and just last fall my ex's g/f contacted me with concerns about my ex's mental state of mind. Like you I responded and actually went and met with my ex and his g/f. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I may have several years of acrimonious dealings with him but I was married to him for a very long time and do care somewhat as to his well-being. [As it turned out the whole incident was a ruse to manipulate me].

I hope you have the appropriate support system in place and can find the best way to deal with your current situation. I commend you for doing the right thing at the time.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 11:46 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,486
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...d-court-10705/

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ocation-13615/

Interesting additions to the story from the OP. Not even going to bother investing any time into this matter as it has been already done in the past.

Hopefully, both these parents get the appropriate mental health assistance needed to jointly parent their children.

Last edited by Tayken; 01-26-2013 at 11:50 PM.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 12:06 AM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,486
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama_pumpkin View Post
My ex has send me hostile and harrassing texts and emails on a regular basis since our son and I moved out.
Can you provide a sample (please quote) of the "hostile" content of one of the emails?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama_pumpkin View Post
In recent months he has

(a) acquired a new job but has refused to provide a benefit card for our son,

(b) has moved, without informing me of a new address

(c) has changed the drop off pick up location without consulting me,

(d) has denied my request to see court ordered life insurance,

(e) has barred me from calling our son on his weekends, and

(f) refused to split the christmas holidays fairly,

(g) has sent me long texts ranting about it and calling me everyname in the book.

(h) He has been sending me angry and degrading emails and texts on a regular basis, about every 3-5 days, never about our sons welfare or to see how he is, just emails insulting me and how horrible I am.
With regards to (a);

If you have a lawyer, your lawyer should serve a Form 20 requesting full and frank financial disclosure in accordance with Rule 13. No need to lament about that incident on this forum. There are proper and legal means to get the information. If the other parent doesn't respond to the request made in accordance with the Rules, then you do what the Rules say, you file a motion requesting disclosure and attach the Form 20 when there is no response.

Why bother getting all worked up about it?

With regards to (b):

Same thing as (a). Request the disclosure through your lawyer and if not provided, then when you are before the court for another motion or "conference" request it and get a technical order for the disclosure.

With regards to (c):

It is impossible for him to have changed the drop off and pickup location without having consulting you. Do you mean that he just tells you where they are going to happen without asking for your input?

With regards to (d):

"Court ordered life insurance"? I highly doubt that on a motion that a justice would order "life insurance". That is the last thing on their mind when a child is involved in a custody and access dispute. Why even fret about this now? There appear to be more serious matters afoot regarding access, custody, et all...

With regards to (e):

Is there a telephone access schedule in the court order? If there isn't one, then send an offer to settle regarding the matter. It is just EOW access, so why do you need access calls? Mostly, the court does not order these on EOW for the primary caregiver (majority access parent). It would be an order for access via telephone for the EOW parent.

With regards to (f):

Make an offer to settle in accordance with Rule 18 regarding holiday schedules. Why battle it out in email. You have a lawyer from what I can tell from past postings. Your lawyer should make a comprehensive offer to settle. You have admitted against interest in a past thread to this board the other party has made 4 offers in this matter. How many have you made to peacefully resolve the issues?

With regards to (g) and (h):

Examples of the "ranting" would be helpful. Might I point you back to your original posting in this thread. It is very "ranting" and very "disconnected" emotionally. I am concerned you are projecting possibly your own behaviour to this forum and not that of the other parent.

I can provide some guidance on how to properly respond to hostile and aggressive emails (in line to the principals of B.I.F.F.) but, need some relevant and actual samples to provide some advice on and not just hearsay statements of "fact" that it is happening.

General question: Have you ever read a book by Lundy Bancroft? Has your lawyer or any doctor / women's shelter / "friend" recommended any books by the author "Lundy Bancroft"?

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 02:55 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,852
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

Handy that you put the previous posts on the forum Tayken. Satisfied me that the OP indeed is dealing with a very difficult ex.

mama_pumpkin: As no one on this forum is a certified psychologist/psychiatrist, that I am aware of, I would disregard the amateur attempts at profiling or categorizing of you or your ex. Always keep in mind that this is a public forum and it attracts all sorts of individuals.

Keep your kid safe. The rest will follow. For all you know your actions saved your ex's life. Don't be distracted by attempts to "analyze" your actions. You already know that true professional help is there for you and your son.

Hope you get your immediate issues resolved.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2013, 08:07 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,139
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Interesting additions to the story from the OP. Not even going to bother investing any time into this matter as it has been already done in the past.
And yet, you did take time, a lot of it, to answer her. One might wonder why you couldn't stay out of it even though you stated you wanted to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Hopefully, both these parents get the appropriate mental health assistance needed to jointly parent their children.
You've finally done it Tayken. You have no way to know that she NEEDS mental health assistance. If someone said that about you there would be a tirade of libel and ridiculous ranting spanning 1500 words. You have no right to say that anyone NEEDS mental health assistance. Professionals usually don't make assertions without having a thorough history, interviews, etc...... As you are not a professional, your opinion means even less and can be dangerous when thrown around so liberally and without cause.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Costs in Bad Faith mom2three Financial Issues 1 10-24-2011 04:19 PM
Shared Parental Responsibility: A Harm Reduction-Based Approach to Divorce Law Reform WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 6 04-07-2011 09:19 PM
How CAS workers manipulate children in a campaign to harm fathers and protect mothers logicalvelocity Political Issues 1 02-09-2009 08:37 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:39 AM.