Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:09 AM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 27
mama_pumpkin is on a distinguished road
Default Implied self harm

Hello all,
not sure what to make of this incident tonight. My ex has send me hostile and harrassing texts and emails on a regular basis since our son and I moved out. We have joint legal custody and he has EOW visitation. In recent months he has acquired a new job but has refused to provide a benefit card for our son, forcing me to pay out of pocket and has moved, without informing me of a new address, has changed the drop off pick up location without consulting me, has denied my request to see court ordered life insurance, has barred me from calling our son on his weekends, and refused to split the christmas holidays fairly, he was also convinced that I did not have a christmas for our son (which of course I did) and has sent me long texts ranting about it and calling me everyname in the book. He has been sending me angry and degrading emails and texts on a regular basis, about every 3-5 days, never about our sons welfare or to see how he is, just emails insulting me and how horrible I am. I have been limiting what I say to him and wont respond to any of those emails, I only respond to emails directly about an issue with our son and apprise him of any upcoming health issues or school issues. I have always provided him with access and have never denied a visit or been late at an exchange. I've never berated him and I have not asked for anything. However he also has a 15 year long battle with depression, sometimes taking his meds, sometimes not. He has gone into catatonic states before where he won't talk, communicate, move, etc. He will go off the radar if he's depressed and wont contact anyone for hours and no one will know where he is or able to locate him. Tonight his gf texted me very concerned and saying something was wrong, wanting to know if he had contacted me. I said he had left a voicemail but I didn't see it until after our son was in bed so I thought we'd just call in the morning. She said whe was calling the police as she thought something was wrong. I immediately called him and he answered, I tried to be careful and discreet about it, I asked him if he was ok, he said no, then he said yes, then he said no. I said we've been through this before and I can help him if he wants to talk, he said no, he doesnt want my help, or to talk to me, he just wants to make sure that I take good care of our son from now on, and that I'll always be there for him, then he began sobbing. I tried to calm him down, but he was just too hostile for that. I told him that if he's thinking of hurting himself its not worth it, we can get some counselling for everyones sake. He just kept repeating over and over that this is going to end and that I need to be a good mom to our boy. At that point I was alarmed at his distress, it seemed worse than the other times so I put him on the phone with our son, who's only 5, just to keep him on the line. I called the police on the other phone who were able to locate him because he was on his cell with our son. They found him at a hotel where he was planning on spending the night, 20 minutes from home. He went politely and peacefully with him however he made some concerning comments so they took him to a hospital for evaluation. When the police were at my house, they went through my phone and saw the texts and said that they appeared agressive and dangerous, and why haven't I reported them before. I said that in the past when I've reported him over incidents nothing was done and he came down on me worse, and vindictavely, I've been hoping to stay somewhat invisible in order to not inflame the situation. They told me however to get an incident number and to call my lawyer, particularly because he's supposed to have access next weekend. So my worry is first and foremost our son, who is only 5 years old. How can I let him just go to dads 6 days after what sounded like he was intending to hurt himself? However I don't want him to not have contact with his dad, I think it would make it worse. Can you ask the court for your ex to have /evaluation therapy and supervised visitation and no overnights in a situation like this until it feels safe? I cannot stomach the thought that I'm sending my 5 year old unprotected to someone who is not stable and capable of harm.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 06:54 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,203
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

uggh when will people learn....paragraphs make things easier to read.

To answer your question, he was at the hospital and evaluated, they never saw a reason to keep him (you never said that they kept him for 72 hrs) so there is no reason for you to keep your son from him by defying a court order. Talk to your lawyer before you do something like that.
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 08:10 AM
Janus's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,298
Janus will become famous soon enough
Default

Why are you calling your son on the father's weekends? Is 12/14 not enough contact that you feel you must encroach on what little time the father has?

You don't sound like you are trying to be invisible. Your son has already almost lost a father, and I'm thinking you're hoping to end the little bit of contact that does exist.
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 08:42 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,203
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Why are you calling your son on the father's weekends? Is 12/14 not enough contact that you feel you must encroach on what little time the father has?

You don't sound like you are trying to be invisible. Your son has already almost lost a father, and I'm thinking you're hoping to end the little bit of contact that does exist.
the only part that I agree to his that he has only EOW so she should let him him his time with his child. There is no reason to call on what little parenting time he gets.
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 08:54 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,139
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Default

Well, I disagree with the both of you. My girls enjoy a call at the end of the day to say hello and to wish them goodnight. It maintains the connection between both homes. We aren't talking about a 40 minute conversation, just a quick hello, i love you, good night.

Their Dad calls my house every night. 12/14. Do I get upset saying he calls my house all the time? No.

It is best for the kids to maintain open and easy access to both parents. He is just a little boy. Talking to his parent for a few minutes on the phone while with the other is helpful. I can't see how this impacts on Dad's parenting time at all. That is simply overreacting.
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 09:01 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,139
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Default

Mama, I try very hard not to offer legal advice because I know so very little about it but do you have a lawyer? Can you ask him/her?

I understand how you would worry very much about the boy being with his Dad if his Dad was suicidal. Obviously his behaviour was erratic enough that an hospital eval was warranted. Does he normally have his gf with him on visitation?

Try to take responses here with a grain of salt. They simply want to see the boy visit with his Dad. I agree that it is very important to continue but not at the risk of your son's safety.
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 09:16 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,203
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
Mama, I try very hard not to offer legal advice because I know so very little about it but do you have a lawyer? Can you ask him/her?

I understand how you would worry very much about the boy being with his Dad if his Dad was suicidal. Obviously his behaviour was erratic enough that an hospital eval was warranted. Does he normally have his gf with him on visitation?

Try to take responses here with a grain of salt. They simply want to see the boy visit with his Dad. I agree that it is very important to continue but not at the risk of your son's safety.
if the hospital thought he was a danger to himself or others they would have kept him. Not seeing that they did that. Asking a lawyer is the best thing to do instead of just deciding to defy a court order.

Has the father ever been violent with the child, threatened him etc. If she thought he was suicidal then why put the child on the phone with his father when she was calling police?? Why let the child hear his father in that state??
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 09:32 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,139
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Default

I do agree with that SOS and thought that was a poor choice to put the son on the phone if the Dad was distraught. I guess if she thought it would save the Dad's life, possibly I could understand..... It is hard because we weren't there at the time.

Perhaps she will clarify what the hospital's actions were as it changes things some.

I did also suggest she ask a lawyer. That way she can do what is legal and what is best for the son at the same time.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 11:11 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,854
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

mama_pumpkin:

1. You have a police incident file#
2. You have a collection of abusive emails received from your ex
3. Your ex called you from a hotel and made remarks about harming himself

You have a responsibility to contact a lawyer and ensure your ex does not have unsupervised access to the child.

I would be suspect of a short intake examination at the hospital unless your ex was examined by a staff psychiatrist.

At the very least, a judge should set out clear terms for your ex regarding his behavior. Not unusual for parent to be ordered to get counselling before unsupervised access to children is allowed.

You owe it to your child to ensure he/she is going into a safe environment.

Last edited by arabian; 01-26-2013 at 11:18 AM. Reason: forgot to put in body of post
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2013, 11:21 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

You can't make a diagnosis of your ex, only a health professional can.

If you have serious concerns, then you must take your evidence to court and request that if the current visitation schedule is to be maintained, then the father should have a mental health assessment and this be provided to the courts.

If you can not or will not go that far, then what he does on his weekends with his child is not your concern. You either have enough facts for a professional intervention, or you don't.

I am not taking sides, I am saying that if you want to achieve something you need facts, evidence, and the will to move forward with courts.

If you are feeling harrassed by his texts, then file a complaint. If you are not feeling harrassed, then you have no complaint. Don't file a complaint just because you can.

If you feel your child is in danger then you have a duty to follow up on this. If you know deep down that this is something your ex can work through, then let him live his life.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Costs in Bad Faith mom2three Financial Issues 1 10-24-2011 04:19 PM
Shared Parental Responsibility: A Harm Reduction-Based Approach to Divorce Law Reform WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 6 04-07-2011 09:19 PM
How CAS workers manipulate children in a campaign to harm fathers and protect mothers logicalvelocity Political Issues 1 02-09-2009 08:37 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:51 PM.