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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
You can ignore this kind of nonsense. In fact, I would recommend you communicate as little as possible face-to-face and push everything to email/OFW if possible. It is much easier to move an email to the "nonsense" bin than have to stand and hear it face to face.

Let him waste time writing diatribes about this and that and about what the children told him about what is happening at your house. If it is consistent just email a reply with a simple link... This link:



Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

What people like the one you are describing fail to do in life is to: "SEEK GOOD ADVICE".

Had this person actually had someone in their life who was not a negative advocate they would have told them years ago that ranting and raving about such nonsense was a waste of time.



This isn't "threatening" nor is it "harassing". It is stupid of the other parent though.

I would be very mindful of how you project the other parent in the situation both here on this forum and in the court.



http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/

You both probably need some good advice on how to parent after divorce. The advice I offer up to you is to only communicate with the other parent if there is a major "custody" issue. Like a broken bone, blood, stitches, major illness, long term disease, child punches out the teacher, et all... Other than major and serious events... Stop the day to day chatter.
Yah, f2f doesn't work with him. Thanks for the advice from the other poster. But it gives him too much airtime, and he doesn't care if its in front of the kids, even after I tell him to stop. So, strictly electronic correspondence with him.

Yah, I know he's just ranting so I can ignore that. Good co-parenting advice is need for both of us as its a struggle.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
How have you dealt with it so far? Passively? Ignored it?

Serious questions. Have you asked him to stop? Have you just stood up to him and told him to knock it the **** off...

He thinks he can still control you. These are things he has no say over. You need to tell him that... Be straight up and firm. Doing it face to face is best but I cannot say how he might react... Personal safety has to always come first. You "might" be enabling him by your response and reaction to his aggressive behavior. If you put up with it in the past you will put up with it in the present and future.
Yes, I let him manipulate me before, so he thinks he can now.

And I don't want it to happen anymore. So I've asked him to stop on several occasions (email, text, f2f) e.g."Stop speaking to me that way", "that was rude. do not speak to me that way", "only contact me for child related issues", but he continues to be rude, disrespectful and contacts me for other items.

Suggesting court in any way seems to let him know I mean business. Example: I've given him ampel notice and opportunity to give travel consent and finally had to suggest I may need to go to court to get permission (and I was fully prepared to go). He gave consent right after I mentioned court.

But ignoring him and those emails/texts seem to take the wind out of his sails, so far.

Thanks for your advice.

Mind you, I don't want to go the court route for anything, and prefer to come to agreements out of court whenever possible.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
It's not politically correct to say but step father sexual abuse of step daughters is over represented.

In general I agree it might not be a problem but don't be such an oblivious idiot to think they are at no risk. There are some precautions you might want to consider.

Regarding your ex, if you ignore him (REALLY ignore him) when he blabs about useless stuff and just threaten court action if he isn't reasonable he'll give up and/or get penalized in court

Thanks for the advice. Court action seems to get my ex to rethink his actions.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by rollercoaster View Post
Yes, I let him manipulate me before, so he thinks he can now.

And I don't want it to happen anymore. So I've asked him to stop on several occasions (email, text, f2f) e.g."Stop speaking to me that way", "that was rude. do not speak to me that way", "only contact me for child related issues", but he continues to be rude, disrespectful and contacts me for other items.

Suggesting court in any way seems to let him know I mean business. Example: I've given him ampel notice and opportunity to give travel consent and finally had to suggest I may need to go to court to get permission (and I was fully prepared to go). He gave consent right after I mentioned court.

But ignoring him and those emails/texts seem to take the wind out of his sails, so far.

Thanks for your advice.

Mind you, I don't want to go the court route for anything, and prefer to come to agreements out of court whenever possible.
If you've done all that it is best to ignore.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 07:37 PM
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I had a similar issue at the start of my divorce....which also included legal letters telling me to cease and desist having men around my kid.

First I limited communication methods. I will only communicate with my ex by email.

Then anytime he would mention my partner I would simply reply with "I will only respond to relevant parenting issues" and copy my lawyer.

The first couple times, he ranted and raved and then when he realized that I was collecting written evidence catalogued with my lawyer, he stopped.

I never answered anything that wasn't email and I would never speak to him face to face...ever. Even in conferences or court, I would address either my lawyer, his lawyer or the judge. I didn't even make eye contact.

All of these messages help to convey the fact that his opinion is no longer required unless is related to relevant parenting issues.

It takes a bit of time but stay consistent...stick to written communication so you have evidence in case you need to go to court....and copy your lawyer when he gets verbally abusive in email.

Eventually, he'll get the message and stop the behavior.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I had a similar issue at the start of my divorce....which also included legal letters telling me to cease and desist having men around my kid.

First I limited communication methods. I will only communicate with my ex by email.

Then anytime he would mention my partner I would simply reply with "I will only respond to relevant parenting issues" and copy my lawyer.

The first couple times, he ranted and raved and then when he realized that I was collecting written evidence catalogued with my lawyer, he stopped.

I never answered anything that wasn't email and I would never speak to him face to face...ever. Even in conferences or court, I would address either my lawyer, his lawyer or the judge. I didn't even make eye contact.

All of these messages help to convey the fact that his opinion is no longer required unless is related to relevant parenting issues.

It takes a bit of time but stay consistent...stick to written communication so you have evidence in case you need to go to court....and copy your lawyer when he gets verbally abusive in email.

Eventually, he'll get the message and stop the behavior.
Wow, thanks for sharing! You have some really good strategies too. I will keep these in mind and will likely employ.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 09:05 PM
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Pursuing has some good ideas. I used to use this line a lot:

"I will not respond to messages which contain insults or belittling commentary. If there is something which you would like me to know, please send a separate message using civil language".

Then I wouldn't respond unless I received a new email which was appropriate. Eventually, his language improved.

I also had a three-step checklist for deciding whether or not to respond to ex's ranting emails:

1. Is it polite?
2. Does it concern D8?
3. Does it contain a direct question or a request for action on my part?

If the answer to any of those questions was "no", I didn't reply.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 06-04-2014, 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by rollercoaster View Post
Yah, f2f doesn't work with him. Thanks for the advice from the other poster. But it gives him too much airtime, and he doesn't care if its in front of the kids, even after I tell him to stop. So, strictly electronic correspondence with him.

Yah, I know he's just ranting so I can ignore that. Good co-parenting advice is need for both of us as its a struggle.
I am not a fan of face-to-face communicaitons for any matter that has an application before the court or has had one even in the past.

Why? People who can communicate don't sue each other.

You are going to be just fine. (See my highlight.) This is a hard thing for 99% of the people in your situation to realize. Very insightful comment to make at this juncture.

Also, you should do exchanges via school or daycare if possible. That eliminates the face to face.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2014, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Pursuing has some good ideas. I used to use this line a lot:

"I will not respond to messages which contain insults or belittling commentary. If there is something which you would like me to know, please send a separate message using civil language".

Then I wouldn't respond unless I received a new email which was appropriate. Eventually, his language improved.

I also had a three-step checklist for deciding whether or not to respond to ex's ranting emails:

1. Is it polite?
2. Does it concern D8?
3. Does it contain a direct question or a request for action on my part?

If the answer to any of those questions was "no", I didn't reply.
Thank you. Good advice. I try to do something similar.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 06-05-2014, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
I am not a fan of face-to-face communicaitons for any matter that has an application before the court or has had one even in the past.

Why? People who can communicate don't sue each other.

You are going to be just fine. (See my highlight.) This is a hard thing for 99% of the people in your situation to realize. Very insightful comment to make at this juncture.

Also, you should do exchanges via school or daycare if possible. That eliminates the face to face.

Good Luck!
Tayken
I love the idea of school exchanges. Will see about making arrangements for the new school year. Thx!
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