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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 06-03-2014, 05:44 PM
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Default How do I get my exhusband to stop harrassing and trying to control me?

Husband and I separated 1.5 years ago. We have 3 girls together – 11, 9, 7 years old – that we share 50:50 (custody and living). No alimony or child support payments. We have both moved on and have both been in committed long-term relationships for the last 6+months. I have not interfered with him and his new relationship. However, he is bothered by my new relationship and hasn’t been shy about it. So far, what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose. Although he has brought his girlfriend around our girls (11, 9, 7 years old) on several occasions and “family” outings, he has told me to keep my boyfriend away from our girls. My exh has no grounds or reason to be concerned about our childrens’ safety around my boyfriend. My boyfriend has 3 children of his own the same age as mine. He shares them 50:50 (custody/living) with his ex-wife. He is a wonderful loving father who takes very good care of his kids, just like my exh. My children like my bf and like his kids. They enjoy spending time together. My children also like and enjoy their time with my ex-husband and his girlfriend (who has no children or ex-husband).

During the marriage, my ex-husband was controlling and abusive towards me. Sometimes fighting would escalate to the point of violence -- throw things, chase me, name calling, kick doors open, hit me in the face, threats “Do this or else…”. I was afraid and would never push any issues. His behaviour is the main reason I left. But now, the harassment and control continues, as I’m sure it has for many with exes like these.

My ex-husband was threatening to not consent to letting the kids travel overseas unless I tell him my boyfriend isn’t going. He has made other harassing comments such as, “I feel sorry for you”. My kids and I recently spent the weekend with my bf and his children. My exh made a sarcastic comment about it implying I was a bad mother for doing that. My exh has also made insulting remarks about my boyfriend. I’ve asked him to stop harassing me. But he continues. I have distanced myself from my exh as much as possible, email/text only, and only about co-parenting related items. I ignore any email/text comments about me, or my bf, or my personal business. I don’t engage him or it gets worse. I’m hoping it will taper off. But want it to stop completely.

Questions: What can I do to get him to take my request to stop seriously, and stop? Can I go to court and get some kind of order? Or would my only option be to get a restraining order? And what are the implications to any option? Or is my best bet to ignore and hope he stops?>>
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Old 06-03-2014, 05:52 PM
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Just ignore him, he is doing it to get under your skin and you are letting him. I don't think you would be able to get a restraining order. 6 months isn't really a long term relationship in most peoples eyes. He maybe feeling that the the new bf may try and replace him.

Just ignore the ex and eventually he will back off or he will escalate to the point where you can get a restraining order. Just keep notes of what he does and the dates.
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Old 06-03-2014, 07:14 PM
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I figure the same -- just ignore. He will lose steam. Thank you.
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Old 06-03-2014, 08:29 PM
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In many people's experience, behavior like this tends to go in cycles - exes will be aggressive and obnoxious for a while, then their behavior will improve, then get worse, and so on. It's often connected to stressors in their lives - when things aren't going well at work, with their new relationships, etc, they act out towards their former spouses. There's nothing you can do about these other stressors, and there's also nothing you can do to make them stop, unless it escalates to the point where some sort of restraining order is necessary (so keep a record of their actions).

You already know what the best course is: ignore them and don't reward inappropriate behavior by paying attention to it. Minimize your interactions with them (dropoff and pickup kids at school, only use email to communicate, avoid face-to-face, etc).

My ex was quite similar, and after a long period of me ignoring any communication from him that contained disrespectful or insulting commentary, he slowly improved to the point that basic necessities could be communicated appropriately. He still slips up sporadically, but it's gotten better, once he figured out that he would get no reaction from me. It's really frustrating to not lash back at the stupid and offensive comments, but in the long run, your self-control will pay off.
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Old 06-03-2014, 11:55 PM
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There are [I]restraining orders[I] and there are peace bonds You can read about both on the internet or go to your local police station and they will give you information.

I think other people on here have given you good advice. You have to exercise total and utter control when you deal with your ex. No "tit for tat" nonsense. Keep things child and task focussed - pick up, drop off, school, medical appointments, etc.

Refrain from 'showing off' your boyfriend to your ex. Don't drag your current boyfriend along to events for the sole reason to get a reaction or to retaliate against your ex. Doing that is very immature and will only make things worse.

Your communications with your ex (preferably through Our Family Wizard) should be about your children. Not your love-life.

Keep things simple and clean.
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Old 06-04-2014, 08:49 AM
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Thank you all. Yes, it's definitely a cycle. I just have to hold fast to keeping distance and keeping things task/child based. Hopefully I won't need a peace bond or restraining order. Nice to know those are some options.
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Old 06-04-2014, 09:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rollercoaster View Post
Thank you all. Yes, it's definitely a cycle. I just have to hold fast to keeping distance and keeping things task/child based. Hopefully I won't need a peace bond or restraining order. Nice to know those are some options.
How have you dealt with it so far? Passively? Ignored it?

Serious questions. Have you asked him to stop? Have you just stood up to him and told him to knock it the **** off...

He thinks he can still control you. These are things he has no say over. You need to tell him that... Be straight up and firm. Doing it face to face is best but I cannot say how he might react... Personal safety has to always come first. You "might" be enabling him by your response and reaction to his aggressive behavior. If you put up with it in the past you will put up with it in the present and future.
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Old 06-04-2014, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by rollercoaster View Post
My exh has no grounds or reason to be concerned about our childrens’ safety around my boyfriend.
You can ignore this kind of nonsense. In fact, I would recommend you communicate as little as possible face-to-face and push everything to email/OFW if possible. It is much easier to move an email to the "nonsense" bin than have to stand and hear it face to face.

Let him waste time writing diatribes about this and that and about what the children told him about what is happening at your house. If it is consistent just email a reply with a simple link... This link:

Quote:
The best rule is for separated parents to concentrate fully on their own house, their own parenting, their own relationship with partners, and their own relationship with their kids.

The kids will sort out the rest.
Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

What people like the one you are describing fail to do in life is to: "SEEK GOOD ADVICE".

Had this person actually had someone in their life who was not a negative advocate they would have told them years ago that ranting and raving about such nonsense was a waste of time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rollercoaster View Post
My ex-husband was threatening to not consent to letting the kids travel overseas unless I tell him my boyfriend isn’t going. He has made other harassing comments such as, “I feel sorry for you”.
This isn't "threatening" nor is it "harassing". It is stupid of the other parent though.

I would be very mindful of how you project the other parent in the situation both here on this forum and in the court.

Quote:
The difficulty with the term “abuse”, as it is used in affidavits filed in family law cases, is that it is used subjectively. It is an emotionally coloured term. It is not limited to describing physical violence but may be also be used to describe a range of conflicts including arguments, differences of opinion or values, or hurt feelings. For example, one partner may consider himself or herself as a good money manager while the other partner may perceive close budgeting as coercive control. One partner may consider an end-of-day inquiry about how the other spouse’s day went as an indication of love or interest while a disaffected spouse may deem the inquiry intrusive and controlling.
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/

You both probably need some good advice on how to parent after divorce. The advice I offer up to you is to only communicate with the other parent if there is a major "custody" issue. Like a broken bone, blood, stitches, major illness, long term disease, child punches out the teacher, et all... Other than major and serious events... Stop the day to day chatter.

It isn't benefiting you, the other parent and most importantly THE CHILDREN.

Good Luck!
Tayken

Last edited by Tayken; 06-04-2014 at 10:36 AM.
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Old 06-04-2014, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
There are [I]restraining orders[I] and there are peace bonds You can read about both on the internet or go to your local police station and they will give you information.

I think other people on here have given you good advice. You have to exercise total and utter control when you deal with your ex. No "tit for tat" nonsense. Keep things child and task focussed - pick up, drop off, school, medical appointments, etc.

Refrain from 'showing off' your boyfriend to your ex. Don't drag your current boyfriend along to events for the sole reason to get a reaction or to retaliate against your ex. Doing that is very immature and will only make things worse.

Your communications with your ex (preferably through Our Family Wizard) should be about your children. Not your love-life.

Keep things simple and clean.
^^^ I agree 100%. Excellent advice.
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Old 06-04-2014, 10:44 AM
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It's not politically correct to say but step father sexual abuse of step daughters is over represented.

In general I agree it might not be a problem but don't be such an oblivious idiot to think they are at no risk. There are some precautions you might want to consider.

Regarding your ex, if you ignore him (REALLY ignore him) when he blabs about useless stuff and just threaten court action if he isn't reasonable he'll give up and/or get penalized in court
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