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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 09-05-2012, 06:04 PM
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Default How to deal with ongoing false allegations...

Not sure if this is the right area.

My Former Spouse is a graduate of the Abused Womens Advocacy program at George Brown College. She worked at Several Womens Shelters in the years before we met.

When we seperated in 2008, she made allegations of abuse. The police investigated and found them to be baseless. On the advice of my lawyer, I stopped verbally communicating with her in 2008 and we "talk" only with txts and the comm journal so there is always a written record.

In the four years since, she has on several occassions called the police and made allegations that I am stalking her or that she is "in fear" for her safety. The thing is, I never actually see her except at the exchange of the children, or once in a while in school and we never talk directly.

Last september she made a false and malicious report to child and family services of child sexual abuse. The Police and CFS determined that the complaints were baseless. Both organizations acknowledged that she had lied, and that there was proof, but they would not prosecute because (in there words) "There was a low chance of conviction because she is a first time offender"...WTF?

Both Organizations informed me that her actions would however be taken into account on any future complaints. The RCMP Constable went as far as saying she is now on the "loonie" list. He said that my area has many women and some men who make great sport out of regularly filing false reports with no consequences.

Just when I thought I was over the events of last september, she is now telling staff at the school where our three kids go, that I am a threat to her and she is afraid for her life. Most of them laugh about it when they tell me what she has said, but it really bothers me that she can walk around saying things that imply I am some sort of monster without the burden of proof.

The Police have told me they have no concerns, and that this is just a continuation of her previous behaviour.

Is their anything I can do? Has anyone dealt with this situation before?
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:22 PM
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I have been lied about five ways to Sunday by my ex. Lol, there are ppl in Atlantic Canada FFS that think I'm a psycho. Funny. A psycho is going around telling ppl that I'm a psycho. Whatever. People who 'know' you - will be able to ignore this nonsense. It's a mental illness issue, imo - the need for attention, to be the centre of it - etc. Carry on as you normally do. Do not react. You don't want friends that believe any nonsense about you anyway - RIGHT?

If things are exactly as you say, she clearly has mental health issues. There's little you can do about that. Do not engage her. She will need to seek help on her own, or most likely "not." As long as you are conducting yourself in a reasonable manner, whilst keeping your distance from her - there's nothing more you can do. It sounds as though most ppl who have dealt with her are raising their eyebrow.

Do not engage. Do exactly as you're doing. Document anything that might be relevant. It used to piss me off royally - being lied about - but now I just think "whatever - I'm not playing into the mind game."

IGNORE. (But for yourself, document). Don't comment on her behavior to other parties either. Maintain a calm and sensible demeanour. You can't control the drivel that comes out of someone else's mouth. Behave in a way that is the exact opposite, and ppl figure out quickly who the drama queen/antagonist is.

My ex (a 'man' supposedly) is a total drama queen. To me: he's the village idiot. A shame he can't face up to his mental health issues. But that's not my problem.
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Old 09-05-2012, 08:16 PM
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If people want to tell you that your ex said these things about you ask them, the next time they tell you about it, if they would please put it in writing, dated and witnessed, the particulars of the incident. Either these people with shit or get off the pot so to speak. I abhor people who like to stir the pot but who will not put it in writing... They are just as bad, by being gossip conduits, as your ex unless they are prepared to sign something.

While your wife may be the joke with these people I don't find it funny. Your children may be indirectly affected by these accusations. I know I certainly wouldn't want my child playing at a home where there may or may not be problems.

You can't control the crap that comes from your ex but you can certainly discourage people from spreading it around.
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Old 09-05-2012, 08:48 PM
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Default Some of these are school staff..

Some of these people are school staff. In the past I have asked them to document.. they tell me "it is board policy not get involved"..

When the SHTF last september, I named the Teachers who had told me in person that the Childrens mother "told them she would soon have sole custody" two weeks before she filed her complaint...

The Police and CFS did not even interview the Teachers...and the teachers told me "it is board policy not get involved"..
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Old 09-05-2012, 09:28 PM
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Then maybe the Principal or School Superintendent should tell the staff to zip it and not get involved by being gossip conduits.

Good luck - don't leave yourself vulnerable for any more accusations. People tend to have the attitude "where there's smoke there's fire."
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Old 09-06-2012, 03:04 AM
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I don't think such malicious allegations are funny.

They are destructive and part of parental alienation.

I would schedule a meeting with the principal and find out who this spouse talked to (make sure this is true) ; then schedule with every one of the childrens' teachers and show them the history of allegations and all police and child welfare statements that the allegations are baseless.

If the school does not cooperate , go up a level and complain to the school board and your trustee.

Parents are supposed to facilitate parenting not spread lies.

There is a criminal offence called "mischief' and a tort called "defamation". A letter from a litigation lawyer to this person might do the trick and be worth the money without requiring further action. She could send an apology.

Domestic violence is all too often used for collateral purposes in the divorce wars ... and the workers in these places make the Taliban look honourable.
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Old 09-06-2012, 03:14 AM
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Oh and all those school staff could be subpoenaed as witnesses in any trial and their statements that it is "board policy not to get involved" won't be worth too much as they are forced to haul ass to court; on the other hand, at least they are telling you about it....lots of men get this cold shoulder at the school and can't figure out why.
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:16 AM
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Default Stay on Higher Ground and Go the Distance

The sad thing is that abuse is a huge problem in this society. And, yes, statistically, women are the ones who are abused more often than men. (Although I am certain that there are men in this position too - abused both emotionally and physically.)

So when someone (probably with other issues) dresses up her or his wounds in someone else's legitimate problem it ticks me off. I have the same response when someone claims that they were sexually attacked when in fact they concocted the entire thing for some other purpose - e.g. to get media attention or whatever.

Anyway when I read your post the FIRST thing I thought about was your kids. They are being exposed to something pretty distorted and that's awful.

Get yourself a copy of Divorce Poison (by Dr. R. A. Warshak). Obviously, for your kids' sake, you will have to stay on higher ground and go the distance.


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Old 09-06-2012, 09:03 AM
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Slughead: this post is not about domestic violence. It's about "ongoing false allegations." Perhaps you can start your own thread on the topic, (of how women are the root of all evil) spew out your comments, and offer up your sources of information.

Your "I hate women" campaign and the reply you offered above does nothing to help the OP. It simply furthers your campaign. Do you have any suitable suggestions for the OP? Any, at all?

Last edited by hadenough; 09-06-2012 at 09:05 AM.
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Old 09-07-2012, 12:29 PM
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hadenough:

Slughead was replying to sjandme comment on how statistically women are more abused than men.

Slughead just gave a link showing how this socially acceptance belief is NOT necessary true.

I don't see where this "I hate women" campaign you speak of.

Just because you don't like the facts, doesn't mean the person who is showing the facts is a liar or evil.

Calm down.
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