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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Nobody's being 'picked on'. I do not spend 24/7 here nor do I have.tome to read every post in every thread. I will address anything I see or that is reported but don't go looking for things to address. If you feel there are other posts to be addressed then feel free to bring it to the attention of the mods by reporting it. If you feel I am treating you unfairly or, in your words, 'picking on' you, please feel free to PM either myself or Jeff directly.
Constructive criticism would, of course, be better received instead of personal attacks. Thanks, blinkandimgone. I appreciate your due diligence and volunteer time.

I will note that despite some of the feedback here, I have learned quite a bit that I have also shared with my lawyer. My legal representative is quite impressed with how I have been dealing with X (these past weeks); and my lawyer is someone with a full perspective of the case, seen my rise with willingness to learn more about myself / others, and then learning through the worst of allegations, resulting legal circumstances, investigations, recipient of a smear campaign, etc. My process through this, despite my incredible strength and level of intelligence, has been long / cumbersome as it would destroy the soul of many others.

I had my arms / legs legally cut off. I knew X would do something stupid, I just didn't realize how self-serving and stupid it was going to be despite the various threats I received (note the board this thread began). Forgive the one exchange I've shared and realize it's merely a fraction of the totality of multiple years of totality. I am now standing; somewhat wobbly but standing up against various legal wrongs. You don't have to understand the context of the exchange earlier, but I can tell you I do appreciate your input (to a degree).

As I've indicated, I am not perfect. I do not know how to deal with X as X has proven to be a complete stranger with the worst traits and with incredible power (political, legal, financial, etc). X always gets what X wants, beginning with our first meeting (saved for another day).. But I am standing, and I will stand up without shaking as I learn / reclaim my innermost strength that got me through a lifetime of experience. I own myself / my behaviour / my reaction. Yes, true. Point taken. For me, it's a process after I was beaten to embarrassing low levels despite my intelligence and knowledge. I fell for it, and don't want to fall for the usual tactics as depicted in that one exchange. I want to be free, alive, energetic, and an inspiration to my children again. Not this struggling fraction of self that better serves others (nicely) than protects harm from reaching self (idiotic innocent trust / openness / acceptance vs shyness to receive same treatment in return).

My kids matter. I am very aware of that. What X has done I will overcome and I strive to do so for my kids, which cannot be done until I do it for myself. Beaten and without limbs, I've come a long way legally, physically, and emotionally. The harm will never be forgotten. Communication is my next step. Your input can be helpful.

It's one legal step at a time. I will do it for my kids who have suffered the most by X's actions that have been incomprehensible to everyone else (at least those who could never believe the horrifying allegations against my day-to-day caregiving role; while X was in court seeking an ex-parte interim sole custody order for allegations that have otherwise been found to be false, DUH!).

I'm simply climbing out of a legal hole that was unwarranted, and falsely established. Simple as that. I'm certain many of you have similar experiences?

I am not perfect, never claimed to be.. I shared an exchange that was "uncomfortable" and wanted unbiased opinions (my safety matters to me too). While some views were definitely from personal experience unrelated to my own, I have rather appreciated those tips that have brought me greater insight / strength for my kids.

I thank everyone. Genuinely.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 12:01 PM
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To chime in here cause you know I'm an internet troll.

The initial feedback you received from everyone here was that you were as equal party in the escalation with your responses back to your ex. Based upon some of your comments, some might even say you're self-absorbed and based upon your last post, it probably has some merit along with your name handle MommyTime (Freudian Slip?).

However, let's skip this and boil it down to a few simple things. You tend to verbose alot, no offence it doesn't show intelligence.

You've lost custody and your ex has it right now. From what I gather here, you are having a very very very difficult time adjusting through the power dynamic that has happened here and your IQ/ego cannot deal with it so you make a mountain out of an ant hill with that exchange and your ramblings on about your loss of identity and self worth? You are used to being in control and now the law says you're not according to this one piece of paper, but my how powerful that piece of paper is eh?

At the end of the day, this has less to do with the best interest of kids from a non-bias perspective and more to do that you have tied your emotional, physical, and mental identity to what YOU think is in the best interest of the kids. This is cliché and again you will lose in court if you have that attitude. You need to be objective and separate the two. You've bundled this together and as a character in the Big Lebowski said, "you're going to be in a world of pain" if you cannot separate the two. Actually, you already are.

It sounds to me that your ex was able to capitalize on your emotional outbreaks, and work the law for him. The other side of the coin is that all he did was able to expose the real you in a way that the legal system would rule against not just YOU but ANYONE that does something that makes them look bad.

Just don't let him bait you and control yourself if you want to win and be with your kids.


What I really want to say is that, I feel bad for you, there's no other worse feeling in the world when you don't have your child near you and you know in your heart that what is happening is very painful. No one will understand that until it's happened to them. You have a right to feel sadness that your kids don't see you on a regular basis and by law, you legally aren't involved in their lives. It's okay to show hurt. We all sympathize with that and we want to help you.
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by FirstTimer View Post
To chime in here cause you know I'm an internet troll.
How would I know that?

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Originally Posted by FirstTimer View Post
You tend to verbose alot, no offence it doesn't show intelligence.
Yes. I recognize this as a fault.

If I was self-absorbed, as you suspect, then I would present the best side of my exchanges with X to gain your sympathy and support, and certainly not the one I inevitably chose to share. I want to learn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstTimer View Post
What I really want to say is that, I feel bad for you, there's no other worse feeling in the world when you don't have your child near you and you know in your heart that what is happening is very painful. No one will understand that until it's happened to them. You have a right to feel sadness that your kids don't see you on a regular basis and by law, you legally aren't involved in their lives.
X wanted to stay together and made many promises. I did not after holding us all together for years. X and I were amicably drafting a separation agreement prior to the case and still residing in the same home (children fully in my care) when I was served. I had been warned years ago that if I ever left the relationship, X / friends / family would cause me misery. This promise was kept.

That "piece of paper" was obtained dishonestly and has been continually used to prevent me from seeing the children. The children reside with me more than 50% of the time now, which was the result of multiple investigations that found X's ex parte allegations false.

Restoring the children's well being has been a focus as they were most affected. I am cleaning up the debris that was created and played out in court by X's emotional reasoning.

Dealing with X is a challenge. Face-to-face interaction is impossible. Written format has its ups and down.

It seems X has a number of personas: the one in front of an audience, the one in written form, the one face-to-face, and the one in court (X has received stern warnings from the bench for acting out and for the material X has submitted).

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Originally Posted by FirstTimer View Post
It's okay to show hurt. We all sympathize with that and we want to help you.
I have cried enough. Righting the remaining wrongs now which has its ups and downs. I have no skill in this so undoubtedly I will make mistakes.

Context: I have concerns about perceptions that are skilfully crafted for legal misrepresentation. I ask for help when I need it, and I've asked for help here. I have received some really good advice. Thank you.

How was that? Still too verbose?
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 02:42 PM
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Done. X has control. And I "should" subject myself to ongoing assaults because X can and will do what X wants..?
Assaults? I'm assuming these assaults aren't physical...if they are, he'd be digging his own grave.

If you're discussing verbal assaults...no, you don't subject yourself to them...you save the hostile correspondence for court and don't bother responding to them. You're a grown woman and I'm sure you're capable of not sinking to his level. You don't answer what's not relevant.

At the beginning of my divorce, I had hostile emails from my ex. Didn't bother me, I simply hit filed them to my "douche" mail folder to use for court and didn't bother answering. Needless to say, he stopped sending them pretty quick since I didn't bother to lower myself to respond to them.

Personally, out of the text exchange you posted, I saw nothing hostile or assaulting in anything he said. What I saw was him clarifying the same thing to you repeatedly because I assume he wanted to make sure that the children were at the exchange since you were trying to put conditions on him that he didn't agree with.

Quote:
Time frame by the messages I received following pick-up when phone / computer were turned off.
The kids being in his car is irrelevant.

Quote:
X is irrupted whether I respond or not. I hope sex will be available soon, even if it's hired.
lol...You're right, sometimes this does help.

Quote:
and, sadly, X won on that one about the third-party involvement that was important to me.
Its really not about winning and losing. Its about you recognizing that you cannot tell him what to do. Your responses lead me to believe you really don't get that you can't control his behavior...only your own.

Quote:
X has refused any recommended counselling to my knowledge by various professionals, and that would also be a trait of a narcissist.
Again, just because you think he should go to counselling doesn't mean he has to go do it. I wouldn't go to counselling either...I don't think that makes me a narcissist. The real question is why do you think you know what's best for him to do better than he does and why do you think your opinion on such issues is relevant? Again, what he does isn't your business. Concentrate on you.

Quote:
I'm simply climbing out of a legal hole that was unwarranted, and falsely established. Simple as that. I'm certain many of you have similar experiences?
I've had a similar experience. My ex filed for sole custody and accused me of everything from being a drug addict to being a chronic masturbator.

I never bothered to stoop to his level. I would simply blanket deny pages of accusations from him with a one-liner in my response affidavit and move forward by trying to prove why I was a good parent. I never attacked him...it was unnecessary. As a result, I was successful in court.

Quote:
As I've indicated, I am not perfect. I do not know how to deal with X as X has proven to be a complete stranger with the worst traits and with incredible power (political, legal, financial, etc). X always gets what X wants, beginning with our first meeting (saved for another day).. But I am standing, and I will stand up without shaking as I learn / reclaim my innermost strength that got me through a lifetime of experience.
People have power over your life when you grant them that power.

You can spend the rest of your life blaming him for everything that went wrong with regard to your marriage, divorce and loss of custody....or you can start recognizing the truth. And the truth is that a lot of what happens to us in life, we do have some level of control over....not all...but a lot of it.

The problem for most of us is that its a whole lot easier to blame everything on someone else and make ourselves victims than to take responsibility for our own behavior and admit that we sometimes participate in our own demise. But the great thing about taking responsibility for your own mistakes where you can is that you can fix that. You can't fix being a victim of something.

My point is that I don't think your ex had incredible legal power. If your messages here are any indication, you probably had some major missteps in the way you handled your divorce litigation. Judges get tired of dealing with certain personalities traits in some resistant litigants and it can be very detrimental to their cases.

I truly hope that the counselling helps you gain some perspective on past, present and future.
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Assaults? I'm assuming these assaults aren't physical...if they are, he'd be digging his own grave.

If you're discussing verbal assaults...no, you don't subject yourself to them...you save the hostile correspondence for court and don't bother responding to them.

Personally, out of the text exchange you posted, I saw nothing hostile or assaulting in anything he said. What I saw was him clarifying the same thing to you repeatedly because I assume he wanted to make sure that the children were at the exchange since you were trying to put conditions on him that he didn't agree with.
The written persona differs from the face-to-face persona. Perhaps I did not handle that exchange well, but this would be the context.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Its about you recognizing that you cannot tell him what to do. Your responses lead me to believe you really don't get that you can't control his behavior...only your own.
Oh, I do get it. It's a learning process.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I've had a similar experience. My ex filed for sole custody and accused me of everything from being a drug addict to being a chronic masturbator.

I never bothered to stoop to his level. I would simply blanket deny pages of accusations from him with a one-liner in my response affidavit and move forward by trying to prove why I was a good parent. I never attacked him...it was unnecessary. As a result, I was successful in court.
I'm sorry this happened to you.. I am glad things worked out.

Like you, I have not attacked X once in court or in any court document. I have denied all allegations and obtained support from investigation reports. This has resulted in the children's return to my home, but the debris to clean up remains significant.

On the contrary, every court document submitted by X is filled with the same unfounded allegations but "developed to heightened alarm" and new allegations. Each document is no less than thirty pages. They usually contain long lists for orders from the court. The court has ignored these but has not altered the initial order either. The verbal recommendation is that the initial order will be changed and the judge projected that if this case goes to trial, X will not be very successful.

One step at a time. The legal process is very slow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
People have power over your life when you grant them that power.
I'm learning to set boundaries in my counselling sessions. I am not good at this but I am willingly trying to learn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
My point is that I don't think your ex had incredible legal power. If your messages here are any indication, you probably had some major missteps in the way you handled your divorce litigation. Judges get tired of dealing with certain personalities traits in some resistant litigants and it can be very detrimental to their cases.
No divorce litigation at all. Custody was obtained by ex parte while I was caring for the children in the shared home, going about my usual routine. I was served with police enforcement present. The children were immediately removed and I was prohibited from any contact moving forward. I couldn't even contact the same children I had been caring for all day? They were already in bed when I was served. Not a mark on them. Bellies full. Bathed. Stories read. Happy and content. What abuse?

It was a strategic move in criminal and family courts to fulfill that promise many years ago that if I ever left the relationship, X / friends / family would be brutal and cause me misery. This one fact isn't about placing blame. It is what it is: a kept promise.
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  #46 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post


I

I've had a similar experience. My ex filed for sole custody and accused me of everything from being a drug addict to being a chronic masturbator.

I never bothered to stoop to his level. I would simply blanket deny pages of accusations from him with a one-liner in my response affidavit and move forward by trying to prove why I was a good parent. I never attacked him...it was unnecessary. As a result, I was successful in court.


Okay, I know this is off topic, but that just cracked me up. How on earth could anyone seriously put something like that into an affidavit? "She's too busy masturbating constantly to look after the kids?".

And as the ex-husband, wouldn't this be just the slightest bit embarrassing to acknowledge about your ex's level of satisfaction?

If this is the typical of the idiocy Pursuing had to deal with, no wonder she won her legal battles handily.
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 04:48 PM
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Okay, I know this is off topic, but that just cracked me up. How on earth could anyone seriously put something like that into an affidavit? "She's too busy masturbating constantly to look after the kids?".

And as the ex-husband, wouldn't this be just the slightest bit embarrassing to acknowledge about your ex's level of satisfaction?

If this is the typical of the idiocy Pursuing had to deal with, no wonder she won her legal battles handily.


LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Never boring on ODF!
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  #48 (permalink)  
Old 10-15-2014, 07:47 PM
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And as the ex-husband, wouldn't this be just the slightest bit embarrassing to acknowledge about your ex's level of satisfaction?
I can tell you that my ex's affidavits were the source of a lot of laughter and joking among my family and friends.

My ex told me that if I ever left him, he'd make my life miserable. So his goal, of course, was to attempt to humiliate me and get me to cower and hide but my ex never knew me very well. His actions actually simply validated my decision to leave him. The first thing I did when I got that particular affidavit is to go show everyone (my mom first, she had a great sense of humor). For months, when my friends or family would call, they'd ask me to first take my hand out of my pants so we could talk and we'd crack up.

We live in a town where we still have the same bank, dentist and for some reason, he used the same real estate agent I did, etc. So he'd go around telling people loads of nonsense about my multiple sexual partners, my spendthrift ways, my drug use (I've never even smoked a cigarette and I'm a vegan).

I got one full affidavit accusing me of being a raging narcissist who spends hours a day looking in the mirror, working out, and doing my hair. It went on and on. If you knew me personally, you'd find this extremely amusing. Again, my friends and family had a good laugh and would make jokes about it.

I got cease and desist letters at one point from his male rights attorney telling me to stop letting the revolving door of men that I supposedly had around our youngest daughter. I've had one boyfriend in 5 years...we're now engaged.

I can tell you that aside from a lot of laughing with the people I confided in...I largely ignored everything else he said and did. Around town, I held my head up, enjoyed my life and didn't worry about anything anyone thought. It really never had any affect on my life. And I'm fairly sure there are a lot of people that think he's a loon.

In litigation, I did the same thing. He got so frustrated with his nonsense going nowhere during court or during our in-depth custody evaluation that he started blurting out things in the middle of our court proceedings...including once screaming out loud to the whole court room that I had been recently raped and then 5 minutes later that I had been molested as a child. It was the strangest thing you've ever seen...the issue was actually financial settlement so the judge was discussing financial data. The first time the whole room just kind of stopped for 5 seconds, then the judge just shook his head and continued talking...then with the second outburst, the judge got ticked off, admonished him, and then continued to talk.

Finally, he settled because he realized his tactics were useless and he was starting to get hit with costs for the stalling he was doing. He refused to show up for the last 4-way we had and I had to conference with both attorneys by myself. At one point, his lawyer was literally begging me to compromise on my final settlement number so we could get this over with and told me (and this is a verbatim quote) "that he was dealing with a crazy person." I refused to compromise, I had compromised enough...and he walked out of the room with my final offer or trial. Two days later, I found out that my ex signed the offer.

So like the OP, I also have had to deal with a lot of silliness...including a total of 4 hours of deposition under oath being grilled about things you wouldn't believe. And a year of a very in-depth custody evaluation where my ex was telling the evaluator a pack of craziness about what kind of mother I am/was. My lawyer did an excellent job of preparing me and showing me how not to react to it and I got through it.

I think I just took a different approach to it. This kind of stuff hurts you and your litigation when you respond to it at the same level. Its really important to learn to disengage. By all means, you can vent, laugh, cry, rage to your support group but save it for them. Don't expose yourself to your ex or to the court. I really feel good these days that I managed (with lots of help) to handle the slander that I dealt with with dignity.
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