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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 05:58 PM
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I stated throughout the exchange that I was seeking ways to better handle a situation.
Unfortunately, he didn't agree with your solution and he doesn't have to. So you'll have to figure out solutions that involve you doing something yourself rather than trying to control what he's doing.

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I could only wish! As it turns out since this past weekend, I receive about 20 forms of communications per day from X.
Understood. So only answer what's relevant and ignore everything else. Over time, he'll stop bothering you with things that aren't important. Again, what he does is up to him...how you react to it is up to you.

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I am not a bad parent at all but will point out that while X was busy contacting me this weekend, the kids were locked in a car waiting for a celebratory dinner.
I'm not sure how you know this but its sounds immaterial. Are you suggesting the children were in danger in some way? If not, you really need to disengage. He doesn't sound like a father who isn't capable of taking care of the children for the time that he has them.

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Can I point out that the time of pick-up was really non-essential in the exchange above?
It is important because instead of just agreeing to the time, you both fight over it. Instead of just recognizing that he was asking for equal time over the holiday, you found it necessary to bring up the lack of court order agreement.

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The children were secondary to X's need to cause conflict that I am learning to disengage from.
I would argue that he wasn't the only one causing conflict. Its important to accept responsibility for the contribution you make in this regard. You were not disengaging at all...you actually ramped up the conflict.

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Yes, by my perspective, boundaries need to be set with X.

Actually, the first boundaries that need to be set is with your own behavior. You will never be able to control your ex....You can, however, change what you're doing. When you do that, eventually what often happens is that he'll stop bothering trying to get a rise out of you. So stop telling him what to do...it clearly irritates him and causes him to immediately react. Instead, change you....change what you're doing.

In this case, rather than tell him 11 times to get a 3rd party...get one yourself.

It takes time to get into healthy habits after separation but its pretty clear that you are both over-communicating. I think you also both believe you're doing what's in the best needs of the children but in reality it sounds like you're trying to have a competition in being self-righteous.

To me, the first step for you is working on deciphering what's relevant and what's not relevant to reply to. When he sends you a note, ask yourself if its something actionable that requires immediate response. If not, don't text back. It takes practice....ask posters who've been through this like FB...he can give you some tips. But its important for you to recognize that you need to take responsibility for your contributions in the conflict and fix you. What your ex does is out of your control.
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  #32 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 06:24 PM
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Ex used to send me all kinds of irrelevant and obnoxious messages. I finally got wise to the fact that my responses were only encouraging him, and cut down my participation in these exchanges.

I use a formula - I will only respond to messages if they meet all of the following conditions:

1. The message is polite (no swear words or insults).
2. The message is about the kidlet (no real reason to discuss anything else).
3. The message contains a direct question to me or a request for information.

If the message meets only one or two of the three conditions, I don't answer. It took a little while, but ex's communication improved a lot over time.
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  #33 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
Warning noted, I could be more tactful, but everyone in the thread on this page had already stated that the poster is high conflict, controlling, idiotic, unbalanced, the exchange of people who like to hear themselves talk and sounds like a complete lunatic (their words, not mine).

No need to pick on one person in the crowd.
Nobody's being 'picked on'. I do not spend 24/7 here nor do I have time to read every post in every thread. I will address anything I see or that is reported but don't go looking for things to address. If you feel there are other posts to be addressed then feel free to bring it to the attention of the mods by reporting it. If you feel I am treating you unfairly or, in your words, 'picking on' you, please feel free to PM either myself or Jeff directly.

Last edited by blinkandimgone; 10-14-2014 at 11:35 PM.
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  #34 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:33 PM
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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Your ex can text, email, phone or skywrite as much as he wants, you can't control that.
Unfortunately, despite court / third-party recommendations, X does do what X wants. Nothing will probably ever be able to stop it.

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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
What you can control is whether you respond to it. Every time you answer one of his messages, you positively reinforce his behavior. It's like giving a rat a snack pellet in one of those psych experiments. Tell ex ONCE that you won't reply to him unless *you* deem it an emergency, and *stick to it*. It's hard at first, especially if the ex wants to get your goat, but over time, he can be trained out of this behavior.
Advice from lawyer / mediator / investigators / police / friends / family. Learning. Slow, but I will get there.

Thank you.
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Mommytime - you mentioned that you have set up OFW. I am curious and would like to hear, from your own experience, what you like a/or dislike about the program. I have read many threads on this forum (not having any personal experience with child custody matters whatsoever) that the best way to get the other party to use OFW is to simply not respond to the other forms of communication the other party uses.

I would appreciate hearing your opinion on OFW as you are new to the program.
Well, it depends.. The other parent can be manipulative enough to choose "the right phrasing" that obscures intent from others that you know otherwise what it means. With the ToneMeter, it helps to a degree but that also depends on the type of personality you are dealing with. It can easily be manipulated, and only the "recipient" (you) knows this; not the algorithm. It has pros and cons. I would say it requires some work to implement "social / psychopath / narcissistic disorders." Perhaps in time.
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  #36 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:43 PM
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Thanks - I really have to see how this program works. I wonder if there is a trial or somewhere to test it out? (I certainly am not in the market for it but merely curious).
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  #37 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Unfortunately, he didn't agree with your solution and he doesn't have to. So you'll have to figure out solutions that involve you doing something yourself rather than trying to control what he's doing.
You're right. X didn't, equally as I didn't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Understood. So only answer what's relevant and ignore everything else. Over time, he'll stop bothering you with things that aren't important. Again, what he does is up to him...how you react to it is up to you.
Done. X has control. And I "should" subject myself to ongoing assaults because X can and will do what X wants..?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I'm not sure how you know this but its sounds immaterial. Are you suggesting the children were in danger in some way? If not, you really need to disengage. He doesn't sound like a father who isn't capable of taking care of the children for the time that he has them.
Time frame by the messages I received following pick-up when phone / computer were turned off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
It is important because instead of just agreeing to the time, you both fight over it. Instead of just recognizing that he was asking for equal time over the holiday, you found it necessary to bring up the lack of court order agreement.
The actual exchange about time was minimal. Please go back if needed (but I don't suggest it, LOL!). X was not asking for equal time (on the contrary, most of which X used up trying to contact me). X was looking for an extended exchange -- and, sadly, X won on that one about the third-party involvement that was important to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I would argue that he wasn't the only one causing conflict. Its important to accept responsibility for the contribution you make in this regard. You were not disengaging at all...you actually ramped up the conflict.
I may have caused conflict as per the innocent bystander reviewing the initial exchange, but that was prior to what transpired the days that followed upon X's pick-up.

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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
When you do that, eventually what often happens is that he'll stop bothering trying to get a rise out of you. So stop telling him what to do...it clearly irritates him and causes him to immediately react. Instead, change you....change what you're doing.
X is irrupted whether I respond or not. I hope sex will be available soon, even if it's hired.

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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
In this case, rather than tell him 11 times to get a 3rd party...get one yourself.
If you haven't read this already, I did. And the pass-off was recorded and filled with witnesses. The pass-off, after 15 minutes of "quiet" was irrelevant. What transpired afterwards was what I had been concerned about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
To me, the first step for you is working on deciphering what's relevant and what's not relevant to reply to. When he sends you a note, ask yourself if its something actionable that requires immediate response. If not, don't text back. It takes practice....ask posters who've been through this like FB...he can give you some tips. But its important for you to recognize that you need to take responsibility for your contributions in the conflict and fix you. What your ex does is out of your control.
I've had and continue to have my fair share of counselling since the demise of the relations began to unfold years ago. I am growing stronger slowly as I learn because I want to do this for the children in how best to deal with the situation. X has refused any recommended counselling to my knowledge by various professionals, and that would also be a trait of a narcissist.
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  #38 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Ex used to send me all kinds of irrelevant and obnoxious messages. I finally got wise to the fact that my responses were only encouraging him, and cut down my participation in these exchanges.

I use a formula - I will only respond to messages if they meet all of the following conditions:

1. The message is polite (no swear words or insults).
2. The message is about the kidlet (no real reason to discuss anything else).
3. The message contains a direct question to me or a request for information.

If the message meets only one or two of the three conditions, I don't answer. It took a little while, but ex's communication improved a lot over time.
Great tip! Thank you!
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  #39 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Thanks - I really have to see how this program works. I wonder if there is a trial or somewhere to test it out? (I certainly am not in the market for it but merely curious).
Glad you found it helpful.
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  #40 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Nobody's being 'picked on'. I do not spend 24/7 here nor do I have.tome to read every post in every thread. I will address anything I see or that is reported but don't go looking for things to address. If you feel there are other posts to be addressed then feel free to bring it to the attention of the mods by reporting it. If you feel I am treating you unfairly or, in your words, 'picking on' you, please feel free to PM either myself or Jeff directly.
Careful.. FightingForFamily may be sensitive to victimization. Just noting the alias and contribution of this thread. Really not a good combination to the objective bystander, but plausible.. Perhaps there's a lesson or two for everyone..?
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