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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 10:41 AM
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Why don't you consider the "Thanksgiving" exchange schedule, for the future, and as an offer, to have an exchange around 6pm or 7pm on the Sunday of the Thanksgiving weekend. Sunday and Monday seem to be the big "family meal" days of that holiday weekend, so whoever's weekend it normally is, would have Sunday with the children, and their meal, and Monday would belong to the other parent during that weekend. Seems like a fair solution.

The entirety of the "exchange" you posted, between you and the other parent, is not unlike an exchange of two people who like to hear themselves talk.

"Holiday" long weekends are not like normal weekends, therefore they should not be treated the same, simply because "there is nothing in the order" to dictate otherwise. Both of you need to be reasonable and compromise, and get that "compromise" into your order, to help avoid future issues.

A simple exchange at Tim Horton's, would likely avoid any potential "safety" issues, if even any exist, which I doubt.
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 01:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dad2bandm View Post
A simple exchange at Tim Horton's, would likely avoid any potential "safety" issues, if even any exist, which I doubt.
It wasn't splitting the time at the eleventh hour that was the issue. It was the point of contact that was the issue in my IP.

After the 30 seconds of transferring the children, I received 17 communications from the X for me to return. 12 by phone, text, and messaging shortly after and within the hour of the transfer. Then 5 more across 90 minutes later in the evening that X would drop by my place, in addition to another "pressing matter."

It wasn't about the weekend for the X, it was about getting an emotional hit.

But my phone was off so I was unaware the children were sitting in the car for nearly an hour while this was unfolding. This is horrible. I worry about the kids having witnessed this and then the aftermath instead of being able to enjoy the dinner celebration with X.

I responded to 2 of the messages later in the evening when I discovered all this, and then turned everything off again. It did not stop the onslaught of X's attempts to contact me further but my phone was off.

I cannot control X's calls, texts and messages despite having repeatedly expressed the mode of communication preferred and, justly, what has been recommended by professionals. I can choose how I will respond if the matter is genuine and not simply attention-seeking. Everything to the X is an "emergency" and it seems to always be "my fault."

I'm learning. The suggestions here on this board and in private have been useful.
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 02:18 PM
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Quote:
Regardless of what you choose to do, I think you could cut down your text communication by about 90%.
lol...I would say 99%. That was a seriously idiotic text barrage.

You're arguing over an hour and a half of time and saying the same thing over and over and over that he said no to with the very first text.

Frankly, both of you sound unbalanced.

If you're really that worried about the exchange, simply have someone else do it. I find it hard to believe that there's no one in your family or circle of friends that can help with this. If not, bring a tape recorder and tape it so that the next time you go to court, you can ask to have monitored exchange sites.

Sometimes the initial exchanges are difficult. Walk away, ignore it and it will stop. But engaging in that level of communication conflict is pure silliness. As a third party reading that, you both sound like lunatics...you more so than him.

Your texts encompassed more communication than I've had with my ex in the last 4 years of separation. I think you believe you sound reasonable but the exact opposite is true. You literally went on and on and on and if I was him...I would have stopped answering you a lot sooner than he did. You can't force him to do what you think he should do. That's the real crux of the issue here. You can't control him and what he does...you can only control how you react to it.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 10-14-2014 at 02:43 PM.
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 02:34 PM
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The fact that you are tracking the exact number, frequency and timing of every text message and taking the time to type them into an internet forum proves to me very conclusively that you are a nutcase.

Let go, disengage, be reasonable and stop trying to control every stupid little detail. My ex exchange about one sentence per month through e-mail and even that's more than I like.

Whether it's noon, 1:30, 3pm or 6pm on Thanksgiving Monday makes no fucking difference to you or your kids, let him have whatever time he wants. He didn't ask for 7am or 10pm.
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 03:04 PM
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OP, reading your responses, I'm not sure that you're getting how outrageous you sound. Read this again...

Quote:
ME
Message:
1) The current order does not make any provision for holidays, nor has agreement been reached about a holiday schedule.

2) The initial question in this exchange was "what is convenient on Monday?" The response was in the form of another question to facilitate an appropriate exchange about plans that could possibly already be in place.

3) A reasonable compromise, as a "meeting at the middle" given this exchange, is Monday 3pm -- and most suitably by a third-party pickup.
Everytime I read this, I start laughing. What on earth are you trying to accomplish here?

Who cares if an agreement's been reached? Did you need a court order to raise your kids when you were married? Can you not figure out what's reasonable without a judge telling you?

Think about it...what's fair on a holiday? What he's asking for sounds pretty normal to me. You don't need a court order for this...you just need to be a fair person and focused on your kids.

Quote:
ME
Message:
Communication shall remain through this medium until agreement can be reached otherwise, and by email for emergencies. [That is what has been recommended by various third parties].

A compromise has already been offered for 3pm, which allows "your family" an extended [holiday] dinner celebration on the official day (which by experience does not start until later).

There is no court order that has outlined any provision for such events, although a multitude of generous offers have been made to address this in the last 6 months.

The [children] will be in the lobby at 3pm on Monday shortly after we get back. Thanks.
What time his family celebrates dinner is really none of your business. Maybe since he divorced you, they have an earlier meal. Why argue over an hour and a half worth of time?


Quote:
X to me
Message:
I would remind you that there is a Court Order that stipulates that I am the custodial parent. I have, in good faith, initiated this exchange so as to allow us to come to a reasonable and child focused resolution.

That said, I have no interest in squabbling over a few hours and as it appears you have plans I am happy to accommodate those
This is a reasonable response on his part although wordier than necessary.

By the way, I wonder if this type of stuff is the reason why he ended up as the custodial parent.


Last point, do you realize that you mentioned him using a 3rd party on 11 separate occasions. 10 of them after he said NO after the 1st time you mentioned it. You do realize that saying something 11 times over and over and over again in one conversation makes you look like a complete lunatic?

If I were him, I would be archiving that exchange for future court action to show how unreasonable and overbearing you are.

My suggestion is that you need to detach. You come off as very high conflict and controlling. I'm not trying to insult you, just trying to point out that while you see this text exchange as highly sane and reasonable on your part...I think some of the other posters (including myself) see it as completely the opposite. I wonder if you've had the same experience with some of your court proceedings.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 10-14-2014 at 03:06 PM.
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 05:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
The fact that you are tracking the exact number, frequency and timing of every text message and taking the time to type them into an internet forum proves to me very conclusively that you are a nutcase.

Let go, disengage, be reasonable and stop trying to control every stupid little detail. My ex exchange about one sentence per month through e-mail and even that's more than I like.

Whether it's noon, 1:30, 3pm or 6pm on Thanksgiving Monday makes no fucking difference to you or your kids, let him have whatever time he wants. He didn't ask for 7am or 10pm.
Anyone and everyone who comes here looking for information, especially in a high conflict case, is advised to document EVERYTHING, which is what she has correctly done. This does not make her a nutcase or anything of the sort and I would ask you to refrain from the personal attacks in the future. If you have something of value to add, please do so, but posting for the sole purpose of disparaging someone will not be tolerated.
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 05:11 PM
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Warning noted, I could be more tactful, but everyone in the thread on this page had already stated that the poster is high conflict, controlling, idiotic, unbalanced, the exchange of people who like to hear themselves talk and sounds like a complete lunatic (their words, not mine).

No need to pick on one person in the crowd.
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Anyone and everyone who comes here looking for information, especially in a high conflict case, is advised to document EVERYTHING, which is what she has correctly done. This does not make her a nutcase or anything of the sort and I would ask you to refrain from the personal attacks in the future. If you have something of value to add, please do so, but posting for the sole purpose of disparaging someone will not be tolerated.
Thank you for that.

I am not disgruntled by any of the comments. I am the one that opened the door for opinions. Tactfulness would've been preferred but that is not how everyone operates.

While I think there are those on this board that antagonize situations (the ones that would generally be the ones to elicit conflict), I also understand that there are those that are victimized by such tactics. Perception of my intent is a small fraction of the overall picture, something I have not provided. I set myself up to receive open views from individuals I do not know, so nothing is personal.

What I will add:

1) It is advisable to document everything in any case and that is what I am doing.

2) I did not post that exchange because I think "I am perfect." I stated throughout the exchange that I was seeking ways to better handle a situation.

"Politeness" isn't enough but I sincerely have some concerns. While I have received many great tips that I have recently employed, as well as some reading material that I have found quite useful, the rest here I relegate as added noise that only applies to one situation I've described, one that is without anyone's knowledge of the full context. I can only decipher what will suit my situation as I am the individual in the midst of myal problem.

3) Receiving just a few communications from X over the course of a year sounds blissful! I could only wish! As it turns out since this past weekend, I receive about 20 forms of communications per day from X.

X seemingly has decided that the agreed form of communication is "______?" I don't know what the thinking is, as it changes every week or so.. There was no contact for more than half-a-year, then by email only until OFW could get set up. OFW has been set up for several months but this weekend X went just a bit nuts with calls, voicemail, texts, emails, and messages.

Basically, X's previous push (my fault) that I get set up with OFW, is no longer a focus. X changed position after weeks of employing the system.

4) Being in a high conflict situation is difficult, especially with someone that changes their mind about agreed-measures on a weekly basis. I am not a bad parent at all but will point out that while X was busy contacting me this weekend, the kids were locked in a car waiting for a celebratory dinner. Can I point out that the time of pick-up was really non-essential in the exchange above?

To whomever above thought X should retain the Custodial Order, shame..? X's parenting decisions just based on that could be taken into consideration. High conflict or not, the kids were locked in a car for a long time and throughout the situation (while my phone / computer was shut off). The children were secondary to X's need to cause conflict that I am learning to disengage from.

5) While I have much to learn to deal with all this, my kids are foremost. I have not yet shared how my family case has unfolded but perhaps in due time.. Minimally, I've been investigated and cleared 3 times, as I've been arrested and the charge has been withdrawn. Yes, by my perspective, boundaries need to be set with X. It's the reason I posted on this subsection of the board. There is a very long history here.

6) Perception is what I was concerned about. Favourable and non-favourable commentaries have helped me immensely.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 06:16 PM
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Your ex can text, email, phone or skywrite as much as he wants, you can't control that. What you can control is whether you respond to it. Every time you answer one of his messages, you positively reinforce his behavior. It's like giving a rat a snack pellet in one of those psych experiments. Tell ex ONCE that you won't reply to him unless *you* deem it an emergency, and *stick to it*. It's hard at first, especially if the ex wants to get your goat, but over time, he can be trained out of this behavior.
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2014, 06:30 PM
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Mommytime - you mentioned that you have set up OFW. I am curious and would like to hear, from your own experience, what you like a/or dislike about the program. I have read many threads on this forum (not having any personal experience with child custody matters whatsoever) that the best way to get the other party to use OFW is to simply not respond to the other forms of communication the other party uses.

I would appreciate hearing your opinion on OFW as you are new to the program.
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