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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 10:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
You are engaging with him far too much.
It may appear that way with the only example here.

In truth, I receive far more than I respond to. Most of it I ignore now. I check for messages once a day or two unless something requires my attention that relates to anything about the children.

X has and wants to text and phone me. This is unusual for an individual who has claimed to fear their safety. I can't stop this but I do choose not to pick up the phone when X calls nor do I respond to the texts.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 11:56 AM
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From my read of your quoted emails, YOU are the one being unreasonable and uncompromising! I know it's probably hard to see from the inside, but go through them again and imagine that you are a judge reading them. Your ex makes reasonable requests and accommodations, and you try to be restrictive and bossy.

Insisting on pickup at 6pm like it was a daycare day when you KNOW there's a holiday dinner involved for them, then basically saying that you consider 3pm an unnecessary compromise because they start dinner late? You will get all of Sunday for the special family dinner before and after process, why can't he have the same on Monday?

And if you believe a third party is necessary, have one of YOUR family members or a neighbour be down in the lobby with the children instead of doing it yourself. Why put the onus on him for something you consider necessary? It's a lot more inconvenient to him to arrange someone to come all the way with him than it is for you to have someone go to the lobby for a few minutes. Just repeating yourself makes YOU look like the high conflict person.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 12:06 PM
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How old are the kids again?

Sorry but I have to agree with the other posters, you seem to be a bit passive aggressive (I think that's the term).

If the ex acts up when the kids are out of sight and out of earshot then why are you still standing there? As soon as he has the kids walk away, don't stick around.

This isn't a regular weekend, its a holiday long weekend so let the guy have at least half the day with his kids and extended family. I know with my bf that when its a long weekend the other parent whose weekend it isn't gets one of the three days with their daughter.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
From my read of your quoted emails, YOU are the one being unreasonable and uncompromising! I know it's probably hard to see from the inside, but go through them again and imagine that you are a judge reading them. Your ex makes reasonable requests and accommodations, and you try to be restrictive and bossy.
Perhaps you have a point based on a small fraction of the totality of the conflict.

Agreed third-parties have previously been in place and now X suddenly refuses to keep them in place? I am trying to understand; beyond that X views them all as not suitable because they challenged X's attempts to intimidate them. This was similar between all of them who are strangers to each other.

Third-party involvement is something X sought. The resistance now to maintain their involvement is the opposite of the original and long-standing position X took that was imposed on me. It's been difficult to keep up with all the back and forth positions that are also accompanied with papers. Next week X will likely change positions again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Why put the onus on him for something you consider necessary? It's a lot more inconvenient to him to arrange someone to come all the way with him than it is for you to have someone go to the lobby for a few minutes.
This would be inaccurate but of no fault here. This does not include any level of detail and I understand how you could arrive to this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Just repeating yourself makes YOU look like the high conflict person.
It is my experience that if I don't repeat the point, the exchange quickly unravels. Any tips?

Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
If the ex acts up when the kids are out of sight and out of earshot then why are you still standing there? As soon as he has the kids walk away, don't stick around.
X follows or gets louder.
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 01:26 PM
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I have to agree with others, by your posts it doesn't look like you are innocent in this all. You never answered how old the children are, however you did make reference to a 4 year old. At 4 most children are in JK, surely if they can attend JK they are more than able to walk through the lobby doors? Even so, you obviously live in this building so once the kids are picked up, go back to your residence, don't turn around for anything.

You are both creating unneeded drama, you can't blame it all on him, especially with your text. When I was reading them, I honestly thought you were being the one who was being aggressive (passive aggressive) and demanding.
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 01:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
You never answered how old the children are
The children are 4 and younger.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Even so, you obviously live in this building so once the kids are picked up, go back to your residence, don't turn around for anything.
I walked away from the last unpleasant incident. I am capable of doing this again but do not feel I should be subjected to the verbal diarrhea before I reach a reasonable distance. If I try to be cordial without opening an opportunity for a conversation, it's legally documented that I have attitude. If I remain quiet and just focus on the kids, then it's documented that I am beyond reproach.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
You are both creating unneeded drama, you can't blame it all on him, especially with your text. When I was reading them, I honestly thought you were being the one who was being aggressive (passive aggressive) and demanding.
There is certainly drama, hence the necessity for third-parties.

I am dealing with an X that writes, speaks and files court documents in vast contrast to each other. This is but one piece of the much larger situation. Setting boundaries is precisely what I am learning to do in writing, and obviously quite poorly! I do not know which personality I am dealing with every time, nor can I switch in and out of mode in response.

If anyone has experienced anything similar, I welcome your input.
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 02:02 PM
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let him talk..by you acknowledging that it bothers you, that is what he wants. Just turn your back and keep walking. You say the kids are out of sight and earshot so where are they? Does he put them in his car?
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 02:33 PM
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Face-to-face contact is generally quite limited, thankfully. This last incident that is fuelling the third-party request for the long weekend, was during the week after I had already done the daycare drop-off.

We were both present at D4's school when I took her into the classroom. X joined us at that point. I was open to this idea to test it out after the very first incident.

When leaving the classroom, I walked quickly but X caught up to me outside, intercepted me, began to yell something incomprehensible but refused to show me what was causing the animated state. X spoke over me when I tried to ask what the issue was that may easily be fixed. X was in my physical space.

I backed away immediately as it was apparent it was futile to continue to be engaged. X got louder. X shouted expletives at my back. I kept walking and did not turn back.

X filed court documents with the school at that point, although it had been agreed they would not be filed. Because of this action, I am now unable to obtain our child's school records, meet with the teacher, receive a report card, receive any information about her class unless X decides to forward them to me, etc. It is unclear if I am able to even pick her up from school. Until there is definitive clarity, it has been suggested to do the pick-ups from the daycare where my pick-ups are not restricted (yet?). Oddly, the court strongly directed the children be enrolled in daycare / school together in my neighbourhood and yet where, how and when they are picked up have become narrow restrictions regulated by X.

I found out later what X's upset was about, something not of my doing nor in my control. But what difference does that make now? It resulted with another restriction imposed on me, and because X makes it a regular point who the custodial parent is in the interim (did you catch that in the exchange earlier?).

How X obtained custody is another matter. I am in the midst of climbing out of a deep legal hole. All that X has left is that one piece of paper, clung onto desperately, while I try to figure out how not to become entrapped by X's unfolding strategy.

Repeating myself is due to exchanges where matters steer from the initial purpose. I feel obligated to stick to the point to prevent it from unravelling, not as an attempt to be controlling or passive aggressive. There is a larger context. As such, written communication in one exchange has a reasoning that cannot sum up the full context. This is what I am afraid of, as misrepresentation of context has already occurred. It is why I've posted it without edits aside from names. I'd like to know where improvement can be made.

I've asked for tips and they are still welcome. I am willing to learn based on your feedback.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 09:17 PM
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You can't force your ex to send a third party to pick up the kids. You also can't force him to be polite. Repeatedly texting him about either of those issues is pointless. There is really nothing to discuss.

The only thing you can do is to make choices that will reduce, though not eliminate, the possibility of conflict. You've been given two good suggestions - do the handoff at a police station, or bring your own third party to the handoff. Why not do one or both of those? Neither option guarantees that things will go smoothly, but nothing you can do will guarantee that ex will behave well.

Regardless of what you choose to do, I think you could cut down your text communication by about 90%.
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2014, 11:31 PM
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Good summary here:

Bill Eddy

This book might help with communications:

http://www.highconflictinstitute.com...wcover04212011

Last edited by OhMy; 10-11-2014 at 11:34 PM.
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