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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2009, 12:33 PM
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Angry HELP I don't know what to do

I found this forum through a google search because I really need some outsiders advice on my situation.

I have been with my live-in common law partner for 7 years and lived together for a very long time. No children involved thank goodness. My issues stem from him. Our relationship has had a lot of bumpy spots.

I have spent our relationship holding down a full time job where I worked at the same company for 6 years while he did jobs here and there, getting money from his family to cover some of his expenses. Over time I found him lying about money situations, him paying rent and such. This was huuuge.

We've broken up twice in the past 2 years because of him taking money and being dishonest about it, doing drugs around me and lying about it or when he went out. He has since kicked the habit and is off the drugs.

This guy is vindictive towards me and when upset tries to think of ways that he can screw me over.

Now the issue is that he is being extremely childish and is telling me to choose between my friend or him. This was after him having a few beers. Yelling in my face, calling me names, taking my cell phone from me, threatening to beat up my friends or tell my family members things of my personal life just to screw me over. The arguments go on for hours and I can't have any space to cool down. He intentionally bothers me, doesn't let me close the bedroom door to get away and I can't leave the apartment.

Now if leaving him is something that is going to happen. This is where I run into confusion. Because of his manipulation... he says if I leave the apartment and move, he will sue me for abandoning a rental unit.
He said he will sue me because he helped pay for a small amount of the bills which is nowhere near the amount of me working full time to support two people while he "found himself".

His biggest argument is that he will take me to court and sue me even though I worked all throughout our relationship and supported two people for the majority of the time... then calls his mother and tells me his mom said I owe her money since that is how he was able to pay one of the bills that month.. and if I don't then he will have his mom declare fraud against me even though I didn't do anything.

I'm scared for the future, I don't know how to get out unscathed. I have been there through the entire relationship being the responsible one but because he had jobs off and on.. none of which he kept for more then 6 months and got his mom to pay a bill or two every few months he thinks he holds this super power over me like I've done something wrong and he deserves to take whatever he wants or he will take me to court. If I leave the apartment the threat is he will sue me for abandoning a rental unit, hurt my friends, tell my family things. Be vindictive until he wins in his eyes.

I am not being physically abused. There is definite mental abuse though which I have endured to the point where I've been sick to my stomach and gotten barely no sleep because the fighting continues throughout the night.

I don't know what to do. It's unhealthy and I have supported him financially, emotionally, gave him a place to stay and had to at times beg him just to put in effort to get a job. But now because we broken up in the summer and got back together in August he seems to think that the past is behind him and that all the stuff he did before was void.

Help please. I need advice. I'm located in Toronto.
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Old 01-09-2009, 12:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinToronto2009 View Post
I have been there through the entire relationship being the responsible one but because he had jobs off and on.. none of which he kept for more then 6 months and got his mom to pay a bill or two every few months he thinks he holds this super power over me like I've done something wrong and he deserves to take whatever he wants or he will take me to court. If I leave the apartment the threat is he will sue me for abandoning a rental unit, hurt my friends, tell my family things. Be vindictive until he wins in his eyes.
This is just his manipulative personality coming out.
Almost like, if you cannot be with me you're not going to be happy without me. The only focus should be your well being, and from where I stand you have lost sight of this.
If/when you've made the choice to leave, there's no looking back.
Do not take any calls etc, as to do so will only facilitate his behaviour, regardless of what that may be.


Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinToronto2009 View Post
I don't know what to do. It's unhealthy and I have supported him financially, emotionally, gave him a place to stay and had to at times beg him just to put in effort to get a job. But now because we broken up in the summer and got back together in August he seems to think that the past is behind him and that all the stuff he did before was void.
This could come back to bite you on the butt.
I have seen and heard of many cases where the roles were reversed and the woman succeeded in getting an unjust enrichment claim against major assets, (usually a home) as well as a claim for Spousal support because she had become financially and emotionally dependant during the relationship. In your case you have no home to claim against. Given the state and history of the relationship I believe all that what ever you came in with and all that you own out right is yours to walk away with.

As for the apartment, I would speak to someone in the field of housing and the laws associated to them. Perhaps you could get out of any lease etc if you work things out with the landlord in advance. I think you should act as quickly as possible and get this relationship behind you. Your health depends on it.
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Old 01-09-2009, 12:58 PM
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My friend told me to call the police and tell them that I feel unsafe living here and that they would write me a letter so that I can end my lease and move on.

The other tricky part is I also lost my job in August so I'm trying to find a new one asap. I am currently living off of EI right now supporting two people as he still doesn't have a job.

A few weeks ago during an argument he got mad and kicked a table, breaking his toe. Having to go to the hospital due to his poor judgement and aggression. So now this is his excuse as to why he hasn't gotten one yet but told me yesterday he's been looking. "I'm looking" has almost been a catch phrase of our relationship.

My friends are trying to get me out of the apartment and get me to move out. Unfortunately I have no family to turn to to move in with and I would have to rely on friends to house me. This is where I stand right now.

The fighting last night almost resulted in the police being called but I didn't because he took my cell phone and took the battery out claiming I couldn't use it because it belonged to him all because his mom paid a couple of the bills to cover us until the next month.
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Old 01-09-2009, 03:38 PM
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HurtinToronto2009, I strongly suggest that you simply quietly make plans to leave. Find out the best way to deal with the lease (assuming there is a lease -- you didn't even say there was), then find a place to live and move there. If your friends are willing to help, let them. You don't need to tell him where you're going. You don't need to argue with him or obtain his approval. You don't need to have any discussions with him at all. Simply make the necessary decisions and execute them.

Most of his legal threats are a little amusing, and definitely unlikely to succeed. He can't just "declare fraud" against you. Fraud is a criminal charge that is exceptionally difficult to prove, and if he calls the police to investigate a fraud charge over utility bills, they're going to have a little chuckle amongst themselves and politely decline.

I don't know much about residential tenancy law, but I do know that you can break a lease or assign it to someone else, with the consent of the landlord. Contact the Ontario Landlord and Tenant Board (http://www.ltb.gov.on.ca/en/index.html or 416-645-8080) and ask for advice. I expect everyone involved would have a lot of sympathy for your situation. I don't understand what he means when he says he will sue you for abandoning the rental unit, since it's not his unit to sue over. I suspect it's another empty threat.

He may be able to make a case for spousal support. But the purpose of spousal support is to equalize the standards of living between the two parties with the aim to have both parties become self-supporting. You're on EI and he has no job, so it seems to me that spousal support isn't really applicable. Further, he is perfectly able to work and will be expected to do so.

HurtinToronto2009, I can understand your difficulties and I sympathize with them. But I suggest that you begin to act on your problems. Make plans and execute them. Don't worry about his reactions. If you feel unsafe, call the police. But otherwise, make some decisions that give you a better life, then make plans to execute those decisions. You'll be fine.
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Old 01-09-2009, 04:05 PM
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I agree with all the above responses. Recently a friend of mine had to free herself from a similar situation with her controlling and abusive parents and she took action by silently making preparations to leave, and never once letting on that she was making these plans. She employed the help of her local police in getting a restraining order (or peace bond), and they in turn worked with her university's security department to prevent them from getting to her, She played along with her family until everything was in place, and then simply disappeared. It was difficult, but she is managing and is making forward steps toward better independence.

Do not be afraid of him or what he might do. I suspect most of what he's spouting is rhetoric and intimidating verbal aggression designed to manipulate you into thinking you are powerless and wrong. You aren't. Do what you have to do, even if it's having to go to a shelter for a while. He cannot find you there, they have no outlets to the outside world, and are designed to keep you safe, secret and secluded. They will also try to help you get into a situation where you can be on your own, most of the time.

As for the apartment situation, I agree it makes things difficult but not impossible. You may find some useful information here. But whatever the obstacles involved in leaving are, you don't have to deal with that right now. What is important is getting out of the environment first, and dealing with the red tape once you are safe. I'm not a legal expert, but my feeling is that as far as him suing you is concerned, he doesn't really have a case. As someone else pointed out it's their property to sue over, not his. If by some ridiculous chance he does decide to pursue it, i doubt that, having no job, he would be able to pay for it, and I can't see any lawyer finding merit in his claims.

Basically, just use whatever avenues are available to you and be relentless about it. Make sure all your I's are dotted and T's crossed, do what's best for you and above all don't give into his BS. Take his power of control away from him, and he will crumble. I've seen others do this before, and you can too.
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Old 01-09-2009, 04:09 PM
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I'll echo the above comments and tell you that you need to make a plan to leave without him knowing when he's not there. When you do, take everything that you own that you can get out without making it impossible to leave without him knowing. Get a few friends (only ones that aren't his friends too or aren't dating/living with his friends) and move your stuff out when he's out of the apartment.

As for the lease, if you've been under the current lease agreement for more than a year, you're on month-to-month renting and you're only required to give 60 days notice. If you've got a year lease I'd contact the police and ask them if they know what you can do. You can also explain the situation to your landlord and hope he lets you out of the lease, but you have to be careful that he doesn't say anything to your partner.

If he won't let you out of your agreement you could send him a registered letter asking him to let you assign your lease (sublet it) and, if he doesn't respond within 7 days you can then send him a form informing him that you're breaking the lease agreement based on that. Here's the relevant clause from the link in the above post:

Quote:
If the landlord refuses…

If the landlord will not let the tenant assign the rental unit, or does not reply within seven days of the tenant’s request to assign, the tenant can end their tenancy by giving a Tenant’s Notice to Terminate the Tenancy (Form N9) to the landlord. The tenant must give the landlord this notice no later than 30 days after the request was made.

Tenants who have a daily or weekly tenancy must give the landlord at least 28 days notice. In all other cases, tenants must give the landlord at least 30 days notice.
When all is said and done, the most important thing is to move out soon. Get out now and worry about the rent later. At worst, you'd be on the hook for half of it for the balance of the year, but there are ways around that. Also, if you leave while you're on EI and your partner starts supporting himself he'd have very little justification for any spousal support.

Good luck and I hope you move out soon.

edit: added info from link
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Old 01-09-2009, 05:10 PM
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You are fortunate in that it is only a lease that binds you to your home. It could be much more, like an owned home.

Next to the day to day misery you are living, his threats to sue you (which won't happen) are nothing. Forcibly confining you to your rooom? You say that he hasn't been physical early in your post, but that changes when he breaks his toe and just recently you almost had to call the police. His behaviour is escalating. It's a mere matter of time before you get hurt if you don't get out.

The advice is clear above and I echo it. Quietly but decisively arrange to get out and leave this mess behind. It must be very hard for you to cut bait, but you will feel better when you do.
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Old 01-09-2009, 05:48 PM
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You are a victim of abuse. Abuse is abuse and just because he hasn't hit you yet doesn't make it any less serious. Get out ASAP and DO NOT contact him. No court is going to expect you to stay in an abusive situation because of a lease. Get away from his mind games now and start taking care of yourself. He has broken your spirit enough that you believe all the BS he spouts. If he gets violent, even without touching you, call the police. Do this for two reasons. 1. for protection obviously but also 2. to have a record of his actions against you.

Once you get away from him, you will get stronger and look back, wondering why you ever put up with him. Good luck.
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Old 01-10-2009, 02:54 AM
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There is a solution to this, and I will offer my input on the safest, simplest, and most effective way to start your life over free from this "burden". Should you be serious about wanting out, and should you truly feel threatened (which by the sounds of things you do), here it is.

1. Make a plan. Don't do it in the household. To remain safe, do not stir up arguements of leaving, or re. any of the issues what so ever.

2. Go to your local courthouse, and ask for an EPO (Can only be heard in Court of Queens Bench, so make sure you pick the right courthouse). This is an "Emergency Protection Order". This is the highest level of protection from the situation. In most cases, they will hear you in court immediately. Explain to the judge the sitaution at hand. Ie. not allowing you to leave the apartment, not allowed to make phone calls, threats to sue, everything. Emotional abuse is a crime, and no human being should be subject to it. YOU do not deserve to feel trapped, regardless of situations or "faults".

3. Go to a woman's shelter. You would be surprised at how wonderful these places are. There is plenty of support, advice, and assistance to help you move forward. Not only do they assist you in finding alternate living, but the government will also assist with costs, should you qualify. (Our taxes DO go to good causes!!)

4. Restart your life.

A couple of things here. Tell the judge about the lease, should you have one. They will help you out of it immediately. Also, not only would it be so difficult to sue you for the reasons stated, so much so that he would require a lawyer...from what I am hearing about his financial situation, he would not be able to afford to sue you. With an EPO, he will not be able to see you, contact you, nothing. Failure to comply with an EPO may result in arrest and imprisonment. However, be sure you want out, because the same goes for the reverse, you must comply as well. Note, the court will appoint a lawyer for you during an EPO hearing, so they will walk you through it. It costs nothing to do this. EPO hearings are "ex parte" so he will not be present, the police will serve him the papers. If you are serious, this is the answer. Move on, and best of luck!
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Old 01-10-2009, 08:26 AM
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Or you could consider KLD's contrasting advice to the man at http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...d-advice-3840/.
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