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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 09-10-2013, 10:39 PM
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As a custodial parent you are entitled to all information regarding the children, whether it occurs at your house or mom's house.

I would remind them that you are a joint custodial parent and that you are requesting to be kept up to date in all matters regarding "our" children.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 09-12-2013, 02:16 AM
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Read the below quote.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
Perhaps something to consider here, is if they were BOTH your kids, or yours was the older child rather than the victim, what would you want to see happen?
Now, read the above quote again.

Sage advice, there.
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2013, 09:58 AM
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Update... (not much of one)

- I really have no new info from CAS, because they basically told me this will wait until their worker is back sometime this week, mid-week.
- they feel their interim "safety measure" of asking Mom to make sure kids are supervised, is good.
- I did make sure they know that I'm a joint custodial parent, and told them I feel I'm not being kept in the loop on this. I told them I would like to receive a report, on what exactly was reported here, as the only info I have, is D4's comments. Mom, at the time, still had not provided me any info, and CAS on the phone, is vague, and they do not mention exaclty what is reported. They seem to indicate that I will be provided info, after interviews are done, and not before?

**
The only other update I have, is Mom has finally sent me some "info", if you want to call it that, just yesterday, via an email response.

- it's long and rambling, and hard for me to pick out relevant info; it also seems to contradict itself, in many spots, so I'm not sure what is fact or fiction, in what she wrote me.

- Mom seems to confirm, she reported this and says she knew about this since first day of school?
- but Mom also writes that she's "been crying for weeks about this" ?

- she seems to write, and make a point of saying that this is a "one-off" situation; concentrates on explaining she has only left the kids without her direct supervision twice ever before, and explains that she has narrowed this down to occuring one particular day, when she had to attend court, back in April ?
(this, despite numerous emails in the past between us, where "supervision" has been an issue)

- somehow she has come to the conclusion and explains, that this "issue" stems from her other ex's house, and "the children he has decided to take on", (whom she may or may not be still embroiled in court with) so writes that she won't be sending her son there anymore, until a judge orders otherwise.

- explains that she didn't know what to say, so "honestly the truth is the best explantion I can give you". (I'm not sure how anything but the truth would help explain what happened?)

--
It's a very bizarre email, where a lot is said, but nothing is really explained.

The only thing I have been able to do thus far, is keep on with my normal routine when it comes to D4, until I have more info from CAS on this.

Last edited by dad2bandm; 09-16-2013 at 10:00 AM. Reason: Typo
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2013, 07:14 PM
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Good for you to keep on pushing with CAS to find out what happened.

The good takeaway I get from your account of Mom's rambling email is that she's not in denial - she acknowledges something happened that was wrong and she has taken some measures (possibly effective?) to prevent it from happening again. This is a world more useful than "what? nothing happened, what are you talking about?" or "it was really no big deal, I don't understand why people are freaking out" or "I don't owe you an explanation" - all forms of avoiding the issue.

Just keep a normal life going with D4 - be alert to anything which suggests that this incident is still affecting her or preying on her mind, but don't assume that she's going to be irreversibly damaged by this. You sound like you're doing a really good job of parenting through this.
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:13 AM
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Update (I have no update):

I still have no further info around this, since my last posting.
Mom won't provide further clarification, than the one vague, email response I got from her.

CAS has not been in touch with me.

The worker who is assigned (I've been told I have to speak to her) was supposed to be back mid-last week, so I left her a message, to get in touch with me as soon as possible please.

Explained who I was again (D4's dad, and that Mom and I share joint custody), and explained that I would like some details of what exactly has been reported, and why my daughter is involved, because so far, I only have D4's comments, and some vague remarks from Mom and CAS. I shouldn't be left guessing why D4 is involved. I was "nice" (I think so anyway) about it, but did explain that I expect to be contacted about D4's situation. Last week is gone...we'll see what this week brings.
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  #46 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:15 AM
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When I first found out about this, I tried going to their office to speak to someone directly, but that is pointless, because they just tell you, that you need to speak to the "worker", and that the worker is not available. "You can leave them a message".

Frustrating being left in the dark on this thus far.
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 11:04 AM
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You may have tried this already, but ... you could go to the office, not ask to speak to "the worker", but ask who "the worker" reports to. Then say you would like to make an appointment with the worker's supervisor in person, you're very flexible as to time, when would be most convenient for the supervisor, etc. Be ultra-polite, but don't leave until you have an appointment (or until someone threatens to call security ). It sounds like the caseworker is trying to dodge you (this has been going on for a few weeks, hasn't it?) and it may be time to escalate up the chain of command.

Does the CAS have an ombudsman? That might be a useful resource.
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  #48 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 12:07 PM
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I'll have to see.
I had already spoke to the supervisor while the case worker was off, at the case-worker's suggestion when they informed me they were going on vacation, and I asked about who would be working on this during that time.

The supervisor was not helpful at all, basically just saying it would wait until their worker was back, and that I should speak to the worker when she got back, as its their file.

That's the same supervisor who said "well, we'd prefer for Mom to communicate that to you, but she didn't, and that was her choice", when I asked about wanting to be kept informed, and had to explain to them, I only found out about CAS involvement through D4's comments - not them.

I will likely have to show up again and insist on some face-to-face.
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  #49 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 12:39 PM
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Yes, I think face-to-face is probably where you need to go to make sure this gets resolved.

I must say I'm pretty appalled by this agency. They have a report of possible sexual misconduct involving a minor child, they do not notify a custodial parent, and then when that custodial parent learns about this from his four-year-old, they dodge and weave and don't provide any information. Yes, Mom should have informed you, but Mom failed. If this had been about Mom's spa date or her cat's vaccinations or something minor, yes, leave the responsibility with Mom and let her fail, but this is something serious.

Good on you to keep pushing with this.
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  #50 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 01:08 PM
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I'll update, if I can, when I can. I don't have much faith in this particular agency, yet I'm trying not to reflect that, in my trying to deal with them.
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