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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2013, 09:21 AM
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How soon is this doctors visit going to take? I assume you have her for the weekend and if she is saying she was sexually abused (in her own terms), this is something to report immediately, not wait a week for a doctors appointment.

I am sorry, but if one of my step children ever said something like that, we would be heading straight to the emergency room, not waiting around for an appointment with the family doctor.

D5 occasionally is sore in her private area, but these are always a result of her not wiping properly, or showering enough. If this happens we shower her, apply some cream and usually within the day she is back to normal.

I cannot wrap my head around why Mom is waiting for a family doctor appointment, instead of immediately taking the child to get checked out...
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Old 09-07-2013, 09:46 AM
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What did the hotline tell you to do?

When does your daughter return to her mother's? I would be concerned about a repeat. A child can be told "no more playing house," it doesn't necessarily mean the behaviours will stop. I fear for your daughter's safety around the boy until some answers and explanations are provided. It may be all quite innocent, a misunderstanding. But what if it's not?

You may need to call child protective services and let them investigate. In the meantime, you NEED to have a conversation with your X, hostile or not. There is nothing more important than your child.
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Old 09-07-2013, 09:46 AM
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I agree, take her to emergency immediately.
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Old 09-07-2013, 10:27 AM
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Sexual play amongst children, if a nine year old is really the cause of the hurting "birdie", is fairly common but still needs to be addressed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
I would suggest bringing it up with her once or twice again over the weekend - maybe telling her you are wondering if she feels sad because of what she told you last night, and reinforcing the message that nobody should be touching her "birdie" except a parent or a doctor; and that if something or somebody makes her feel uncomfortable, she can always tell you about it no matter what.

I want to say that asking the child about it repeatedly is absolutely the wrong approach in any suspected abuse situation. At the disclosure stage, this is the wrong advice.


Children get confused about the repeated questioning and begin to think they got the answer "wrong". Then they try to find other answers that might satisfy the parent and could begin to make things up.

Simply and as unemotionally as possible state "I am really glad you told me and I am going to do everything I can to help you, okay?" Nothing more. It could compromise any investigation.

Also, waiting for the doctor's appointment when the birdie hurts now could delay evidence and treatment.

My advice would have been to go immediately to the ER to have the child's words and physical condition documented. Yes, it could have simply been a rash but perhaps the child had been assaulted in a much greater way. How does a parent know?

The ER is used to dealing with these types of situations and with children. By allowing them to do their job, you are creating immediate help and documentation for the child's safety.

Hopefully the OP will give an update.

Last edited by SadAndTired; 09-07-2013 at 10:57 AM.
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Old 09-07-2013, 01:20 PM
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^^^ sorry for my wrong advice. I believe SadAndTired has more professional experience here from me, so listen to her, not me. (I've worked a bit with adults in these situations, not with kids).

The one thing I would add though is that it is important that the aftermath of this incident not be as traumatic to her as the incident itself. Police, emergency rooms, social workers and an atmosphere of crisis can be distressing to a young child and can lead her to think she's done something wrong. I would use whatever means the helpline or Child Services suggest to find out more about what happened, but try to be calm and warm and not too different from your usual self around D5. She may be wondering if she did the right thing by telling you, and your behavior will reassure her that her relationship with you is still strong.

I also think you do need to let your ex know what you heard from D8 and that you're concerned and intend to follow up.

Last edited by stripes; 09-07-2013 at 01:21 PM. Reason: Typos from typing on phone.
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Old 09-07-2013, 01:55 PM
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Sorry to hear you have to go through this - how upsetting it must be for you. I agree with stripes in that hospitals can be upsetting, however, you can perhaps call ahead and hopefully can make the examination less stressful. They may even arrange to contact a specialist who is on call to assist. Don't take her in the evening or when drunks and undesirables are likely to be in Emerg.
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Old 09-07-2013, 02:12 PM
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If possible, I'll update at some point.

I followed advice of Sexual Assault line to ask their take on what was said,and they told me to have her checked out.

Apparently, something was reported already about this, from school or counselor.

I don't know too much, because I haven't asked her much. Other people trained for that.
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Old 09-07-2013, 06:08 PM
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I'd be very, very cautious about this situation. Not to get you paranoid but you wouldn't be the first person to get set up on a phony sexual abuse charge. Just how many people have spoken to your daughter I wonder?

Watch your back for sure. This is an uncertain, scary time for your daughter.
Hope you are in contact with good people.
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Old 09-07-2013, 06:32 PM
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How did you learn that "something was reported already"? If any official report has been made to social services, you as a parent/guardian should already have been informed about this incident, not hearing it from your daughter. This is weird.

Who told you that "something was reported"?
Who reported it and to whom?
How do you get hold of a copy of the report?

I think you need to move very quickly on this. Reports about possible sexual abuse of your daughter should not be made with you out of the loop. You could find yourself locked out of important decision-making.

I'm really sorry to hear about this.
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Old 09-07-2013, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
^^^ sorry for my wrong advice. I believe SadAndTired has more professional experience here from me, so listen to her, not me. (I've worked a bit with adults in these situations, not with kids).

The one thing I would add though is that it is important that the aftermath of this incident not be as traumatic to her as the incident itself. Police, emergency rooms, social workers and an atmosphere of crisis can be distressing to a young child and can lead her to think she's done something wrong. I would use whatever means the helpline or Child Services suggest to find out more about what happened, but try to be calm and warm and not too different from your usual self around D5. She may be wondering if she did the right thing by telling you, and your behavior will reassure her that her relationship with you is still strong.

I also think you do need to let your ex know what you heard from D8 and that you're concerned and intend to follow up.
Hey Stripes

Didn't mean to sound too strong in my earlier post. Just some parents take the questioning very seriously and it can end up leading very small children into other versions of the story. Also, it is hard for kids to explain and reexplain a painful experience.

I agree that the hospital experience can be very scary but unfortunately it might be a necessary evil.....
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