Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:56 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 21
SoccerMom73 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks Tayken for your advice on the medical professional but I've been in counseling since the assault and will continue to do so moving forward. The counselor I've seen has been very supportive and so far hasn't suggested an asylum so I think I'm handling things ok. She hasn't mentioned anything so far about mental health issues but she does think I'm getting dicked around on a multitude of levels by both the criminal and family sides. So no worries, I asked for help right from the get-go.

I'm unsure then, Tayken, why there is a domestic violence thread if people shouldn't be speaking about their experiences. Isn't that the point? I initially posted about this to 'rant' about my frustration with the criminal side of things. Is that not allowed? Do I automatically suffer from mental health issues because I'm frustrated with my experiences?

And HammerDad, you are correct, I should have been more assertive with my words with the officer. I do take responsibility for that. Problem is when you've been beaten physically (and verbally) it affects your self-esteem and the last thing I felt I should be doing is challenging a police officer. I was a mess and I thought maybe I had misunderstood VCU but you're right I should have been more assertive and the outcome might have been different.
Reply With Quote
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:59 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ottawa, ON
Posts: 994
FightingForFamily will become famous soon enough
Default

It bears repeating, what plans does your STBX have for time with his kids? Has he asked? Have you offered? What's going on with them?
Reply With Quote
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:59 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 21
SoccerMom73 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).
Ah, thank you pursuinghappiness, I appreciate this response muchly. And yes, I'm figuring out pretty quickly who they are. Thanks again
Reply With Quote
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:02 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 21
SoccerMom73 is on a distinguished road
Default

No, Tayken, I still don't like the conflict. I'm just trying to stand up for myself since I've had my share of being bullied Trying something new I suppose....
Reply With Quote
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:15 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Ontario
Posts: 307
Qrious is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).
Hahahahahhahahahahahaha! LOVE IT!!
Reply With Quote
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:17 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 21
SoccerMom73 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
It bears repeating, what plans does your STBX have for time with his kids? Has he asked? Have you offered? What's going on with them?
Basically, he didn't try to initiate any parent time for about a month and a half since he stated he didn't know he could. Supervised visitation started once/weekly in Sept 2012 and has continued until this time. There was a period of time in Oct 2012 where he disappeared for a few weeks. There have also been a few weekends where he just didn't call. And he has cut a few of his visits short to attend bbq's and parties. But other than that has been fairly consistent with his visits.

Financially he didn't provide any support until it was part of the order in April 2013. He's paying less than guidelines currently. He did deposit a blank check in Oct 2012 though and take out $100 putting our only joint account in the negative. He refuses to buy a car seat to transport his daughter so we use mine each time his step-mom picks up his daughter. I provide all necessities (diapers, wipes, clothes etc).

I have never denied him parent time, ever, though he is falsely making allegations that I have. Through phone records I've proven them false. In fact he has often called less than 24 hrs to make arrangments yet he is always given his time even though that's not part of the agreement.
Reply With Quote
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:24 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.
I thought slughead was being extremely reasonable and spoke fairly.

You've come to the forum and not received the answers you wanted to receive. You are now being very defensive.

When you go to court you will be challenged on all of your assertions. Get used to it. If there is information relevant to a particular statement or claim, you have to include it. Yes, you have to explain yourself.

If you think that your ex's anger issues and the assault have anything to do with your family law case, then you have to show it. No one, including a judge, is going to assume a connection.
Reply With Quote
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:25 PM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,486
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
Thanks Tayken for your advice on the medical professional but I've been in counseling since the assault and will continue to do so moving forward.
I truly hope this medical professional is at minimum a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist whom is trained specifically in the matter of providing emotional support to victims of intimate partner abuse. The emotional support you need from a professional shouldn't be given in my opinion by a social worker. But, that is just my opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
The counselor I've seen has been very supportive and so far hasn't suggested an asylum so I think I'm handling things ok.
Hopefully they are trained in cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) psychotherapy treatment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
She hasn't mentioned anything so far about mental health issues but she does think I'm getting dicked around on a multitude of levels by both the criminal and family sides. So no worries, I asked for help right from the get-go.
I am personally surprised that a mental health worker would comment as such about legal matters. They are not qualified to make legal recommendations and should be focusing on helping you develop coping strategies and skills for your mental health needs. This is because they could run the risk of transference with their clients.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
I'm unsure then, Tayken, why there is a domestic violence thread if people shouldn't be speaking about their experiences.
I am not suggesting that you should not be or what the intent of this category of postings is for. If you are looking for objective perspectives on the elements of Rule 24.(4) of the Children's Law Reform Act and what evidence is required to demonstrate "violence and abuse" in the context of a custody and access dispute this thread would be an appropriate place.

But, if you are looking to this community as a community of victims of intimate partner abuse whom can provide emotional support you may have come to the wrong forum.

I highly recommend you ask your therapist if posting on this forum is a good idea at this point in your treatment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
Isn't that the point? I initially posted about this to 'rant' about my frustration with the criminal side of things. Is that not allowed?
Not saying it isn't. But, if people don't accept your story at face value and challenge your position on the hearsay evidence you provide under an anonymous poster this is allowable too. In kind consideration to the fact that you are alledging to be a victim of intimate partner abuse I am just advising you that this forum may not be an appropriate "emotional support" forum. It is a legal forum from my viewpoint generally.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
Do I automatically suffer from mental health issues because I'm frustrated with my experiences?
Who stated that you were? I generally recommend to all people alleging that they are victims of intimate partner abuse to seek proper counselling from a trained and qualified practitioner of mental health services. Especially one that won't provide subjective statements on legal matters and focus on their client's emotional needs - not their legal needs.

There are also excellent face-to-face support groups that are managed and run by mental health professionals where you could get much better and directed support for your needs.

Ranting rarely in my experience leads to problem solving. Generally, the majority of the members of this community do not take things at face value and out of the box support people's ranting.

As PH pointed out, you may experience some similar conduct from people on this forum that could potentially mirror your past experiences and impact your treatment. This forum, as suggested by PH does contain controversial contributors that may scratch your post-traumatic issues and could set back your treatment. I am just being objective by stating this.

Good Luck!
Tayken
Reply With Quote
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 04:22 PM
wretchedotis's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: ON
Posts: 2,317
wretchedotis is on a distinguished road
Default

Well I can say this with absolute certainty.

If he was given a conditional discharge - you would have been contacted by his parole office, and they would have gone over his 'conditions' as they pertain to you.

That you claim you had no knowledge of his conditions affects your credibility in my opinion. I wonder what else in your post has been skewed to your personal bias, not to say you're telling stories - but rather being directly involved in the situation I PROMISE you that you see everything slightly different than a 3rd person.

Do not mistake this to mean I am supportive of violence in any way...

But if you were able to step back and look at the big picture, you would see that a single punch (for example) is not really that big of a deal. I mean of course it's a big deal - but not to the extent that you seem to think it is.

I know it sounds like I'm baiting you, but I'm not.

It's just the way it is.
Reply With Quote
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 06:42 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,836
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

I'm very sorry to hear about all your negative experiences. I can just imagine all the intense emotions that must be coming up.

It sounds to me like you're getting *too much* input from all sides - people are telling you do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that, you're entitled to this, you're not entitled to that, you should feel this way, you shouldn't feel that way. (I include this forum in the chorus of voices, and of course I have to include myself now!). Perhaps with a therapist you could focus on disconnecting yourself from external input, temporarily, to allow the intensity level to calm down a bit so you can think more clearly. Having too much advice can be as confusing as having too little. I'm wondering if some form of mindfulness practice might be helpful for managing the information overload (and I realize I've just contributed to the problem, if there is a problem, by offering my own advice!).



Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
Mess, I am not looking for my ex to be punished through the family law side. Please explain what you mean by that statement. I am hoping the criminal side will take care of it (although not counting on it) and when it comes to the family side I'm hoping for a restraining order against him since I don't feel safe. But I in no way am looking to punish him on the family law side aside from compensation on the damages. If you view looking out for the safety of my daughter as punishment then that's your perception but I know in my own heart that's not what I'm doing.

It's funny because everyone seems to play each side against each other. VCU starts off by telling you he's a monster and to get away from him and if i don't it will happen again. That it's a pattern that's tough to break. The criminal side says to get protection from the family side since he likely will get another slap on the hand because that's just the way the system is. Then the family law side says if he doesn't get a restraining order from the criminal side then why should they give one. All this despite proof and a charge, a history and a guilty plea. Sorry, I still don't get it.

I would like compensation from the damages and from what I understand would likely have received them if I had a receipt on the family law side. My frustration is that in the mindset I was in I can't say I was thinking that obtaining the receipt was the most important thing at the time. My bad. But why shouldn't I request to be compensated? I didn't crack the windshield. Of course, I should be reimbursed for the windshield because he's a violent jackass, that's the point. Why should he not have to pay it? I'm not following you.

Yes, why not let him NOT pay for the damages and it's yet again another thing he's not responsible for so he can continue to glide through and keep getting rewarded for his violent behaviour. Believe me, I'm trying to keep as clear a head as i can through all this but it becomes increasingly more difficult as people (or the system) continue to make excuses for him and his behavior.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Trial - Day 2 experience fieldgrey Divorce & Family Law 11 09-04-2011 04:29 PM
Going through a terrible time accepting the Justice System PrincessKatie Divorce Support 11 06-26-2011 03:09 AM
Ontario Justice Bruce Pugsley's recent comments in family court logicalvelocity Political Issues 7 09-22-2010 05:10 PM
A long hello SillyMe Introductions 20 05-16-2008 12:30 PM
Canadians have a legal system, not a system of justice! logicalvelocity Political Issues 0 02-11-2008 10:41 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:58 AM.