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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 01:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
I might be being a bit curt here but...

From a family law perspective it is his home too. Where did you think he would go after being released by the police? Who would be paying the rent/mortgage? How would he get money to survive if he can't finish the work he started (uncle's car) assuming that's his job.

He assaulted you and that's terrible and will be handled by criminal court. Outside of that, his life is falling apart now and he needs to live, work and eat like anyone else.
I concur. And last time I checked, in our country we are innocent, until proven guilty. Officers of the law don't get to determine.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 01:24 PM
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Thanks Mess. As I mentioned, I don't have much experience/knowledge in the legal field so I appreciate your clarification. My initial family lawyer had been the one who had put the damages in the offer to settle so I had just assumed that's how it worked. But good to know. And also good that perhaps even after paying $5000 to my old one for little results, I have a new lawyer.

And you are right, perhaps unrightfully so, I am putting an emotional attachment to the windshield. Its rather tough for me not to since it appears not only will he likely not get punished by more than a slap on the hand from the criminal side, but he won't have to pay for any of the suffering I've had to endure (financial, stress etc).

The financials are a whole other ballgame, I'm afraid. Not only have I provided statement after statement (and form 13.1 of course) but he has provided nothing to date aside from stating what I provide is incorrect. I see here that is commonplace which is unfortunate. I'm hoping at some point it will be ordered.

It's frustrating but I guess it is just the way it is
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:49 PM
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Wow, scary. I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone here with the statements above.

Frankly, I don't think it should be my problem that he doesn't have a place to live after he committed a violent crime. He broke the law and that's his problem, not mine. He should suffer the consequences, no? If it were reversed I would expect the same treatment for myself or for anyone else for that matter.

Sure his name is on the house and he has a right to what he has put into it but it blows my mind that you feel he has a right to live there when he made the choice to break the law. He committed a crime and there were release conditions of a restraining order in place immediately because of it. We both can't stay there and he was the one who committed the crime so why should it be him. He violated my rights with his actions. Why should he be treated fairly in that instance?

Seriously, this is why people like my ex keep doing what they do. Because they aren't held accountable and the system makes excuses for them and keeps giving them chances. Perhaps next time he can kill me or my daughter. Sheesh. Why should people who assault and repeatedly beat people up be rewarded for that behaviour? And why should his rights be equal to mine when he has and continues to do so?
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 01:54 PM
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Oh and btw, it's funny that you know my ex and state his life was falling apart. So easy to make that statement. I'll have you know in the weeks following the assault my ex was on a dating site sending multiple messages a day, hosting hot tub parties and attending cottage parties. All on facebook for all to see (the parties not the dating...I heard that first-hand from a mutual friend). All this while I tried to figure out how to pay the mortgage on a very limited income. All while I scrambled to pay for food, expenses and legal bills and not fall apart for the kids. While he lived rent free at a friend's home and partied his butt off.

Despite all that, although hurt and my self esteem took a beating, I still tried to keep an objective mindset, as much as possible anyways. Stating to my lawyer from the get-go, I don't want to see him fry, I just wanted it to be fair.
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:23 PM
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SoccerMom73, not to be rude, but, you might be best to discuss your situation with a qualified mental health professional. As you are involved with Victim Services in your jurisdiction they can make a referral for you to a medical professional. You may be experiencing significant mental health issues. This is not to say you are "mentally ill" but, in need of professional support. This forum is not a great place to seek the kind of support you may require after having been involved in a matter of intimate partner abuse.

No one on this forum is trained nor qualified to assist you with your unique and individual needs for support at this time. Don't be afraid to seek the help you need but, I highly recommend you seek it from properly qualified medical professionals.

I am not trying to be mean but, to direct you to professionals who can help you. No one who contributes to this forum to the best of my knowledge is qualified to support someone who has experienced intimate partner abuse.

Please, don't be afraid to seek help.
Tayken
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:33 PM
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Soccermom - Once you told the officer you were choosing to leave the residence to stay at your parents, you opened the door for him to reside in the house. Had you said you planned on spending the night and coming back the next day, the officer may have taken a different direction. But if your statement about living with your parents was open-ended, as in it could be indefinitely, there would be no reasonable reason to cause the house to be empty and each occupant to find alternate residence.

You may have to accept that you may have some responsibility in the words you may have used that allowed the officer to make such decision.

Yes, he assaulted you. No the house shouldn't be abandoned while the process works out. As for your clothes and other goods, you should have discussed this with the police. They can arrange for you to enter the house without fear of the restraining order. They also would likely attend to ensure nothing further happened. So, again, you will see that you do have some responsibility here. I know you were likely a wreck, but even then you need to educate yourself (sometimes then more then ever).
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:36 PM
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I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.

I can tell you I've been through hell the past year. And all during this I've tried not to act vindictively or out of spite towards my ex because I want to have a clear heart once this is over and also set a good example for my kids.

I'm not one who likes conflict on any level and tends to avoid it. Perhaps why I stayed as long as I did in an abusive relationship. So I'm thinking perhaps this forum is not the place for me. I want to hear differing opinions but I feel like I'm being attacked. Hm, maybe its not anger issues, perhaps persecution complex, huh, slughead10?
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
I don't have anger issues, slughead10. But I do think I have a right to be angry given my experience and the struggles I've had to face. I've come to this forum to get objective advice and look for opinions. I'm trying to keep an open mind. But yes, I'm frustrated...and tired. Comments like yours are rude and uncalled for.
You need to possibly recognize this and seek out much more objective and professional assistance to deal with your frustration and feeling tired. You may not find what you are looking for here and the kind of emotional support you may truly need at this time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
I'm not one who likes conflict on any level and tends to avoid it. Perhaps why I stayed as long as I did in an abusive relationship. So I'm thinking perhaps this forum is not the place for me. I want to hear differing opinions but I feel like I'm being attacked. Hm, maybe its not anger issues, perhaps persecution complex, huh, slughead10?
A simple observation. You state that you don't "like conflict on any level and tend to avoid it" yet, you engaged in conflict with others in this thread.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:49 PM
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lol Soccermom. I'd advise you to hit ignore on the women-hating trolls on this forum.

You'll figure out quickly enough who they are. They have nothing useful to impart and generally try to get much lacking female-attention by saying idiotic things in an attempt to rile you up.

Its a common theme with men who spend their lives being rejected by women...they're bitter, angry little dudes (stress on the "little"...LOL).
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom73 View Post
I'll have you know in the weeks following the assault my ex was on a dating site sending multiple messages a day, hosting hot tub parties and attending cottage parties. All on facebook for all to see (the parties not the dating...I heard that first-hand from a mutual friend).
This DEFINITELY sounds someone's life is melting down, as this is far from normal behaviour. I would guess he is trying to find ways to feel good to help cope with the stress he is under. It's not a good way to do it, but it's understandable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoccerMom
I don't want to see him fry, I just wanted it to be fair.
This is a nice statement and a good sentiment... repeat it to yourself every day. Unfortunately what constitutes "fair" between two people separating is not always straight-forward to determine.

Anyways, I definitely agree with Tayken. This forum is pretty bad at giving emotional support as we all have different perspectives and some of us will play devil's advocate or simply try and see the situation from both people's perspectives rather than simply telling someone what they want to hear.

I am not attacking anyone... A very wise man once said, "The truth resists simplicity".

I feel bad for your situation and I can see how the domestic violence, restraining orders, police involvement and potential criminal trial will make something terrible (separation/divorce) much more complicated.

Make sure you are getting counseling and support from the appropriate people, and we're here to give our perspectives on things from a family law perspective.
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