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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 08-07-2016, 02:28 PM
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Default Ex being abused

I was wondering if there is any advice for helping you ex when they are being abused. My daughter brought it to our attention that her mom is being hit and many other things. Her mom is in complete denial but its very apparent that it is happening. I just want to see if there is anything I can do, I have spoken to childrens aid and they will work on helping our daughter, but I was support on how to help my Ex in her situation as she is in need of help and very isolated right now. I feel very bad for her to be stuck right now.
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Old 08-07-2016, 06:08 PM
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the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. I can tell you from my own experience that the abusers try to cut the victim from all family and friends. The victim gets to the point where they feel that they have no where to turn and put up with the abuse as there doesn't feel like a way out. They will deny it to protect the abuser. Careful that you don't push too hard, you are already in a tough spot, you are the ex. She may feel like you like the fact that life isn't good for her right now. That is the mind game the abuser plays with the victim, makes them feel worthless.

Do you talk to anyone in her family and on good terms with them? Does your daughter feel comfortable calling 911 when the hitting starts? If you push too hard then your ex will withdraw even more.

just read your other thread..looks like you really don't want to help your ex but want to use this as a way to gain custody of the daughter. While I agree with the fact it isn't a good situation for your daughter, I wonder if a temporary switch would be acceptable for your ex instead of adding stress to her life by taking it to court. Ask her and see what she thinks, she may be more acceptable to it if you talk to her. If she doesn't want to then take it to court. I actually thought you were concerned about your ex but in reality you are not IMHO.

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 08-07-2016 at 06:15 PM.
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Old 08-07-2016, 07:03 PM
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HI Fireweb13! Looking back briefly over some of your previous posts through the years it seems that most of your problems with your ex were back in the time when you first joined in 2011 and 2012. Is your ex with the same fellow? I believe your ex had another child with this person correct? (I'm just trying to get the 'Reader's Digest' version updated).

I think you have to do whatever you feel appropriate to ensure that your child is safe. CAS is now involved. I'd leave it at that.
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Old 08-07-2016, 10:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. I can tell you from my own experience that the abusers try to cut the victim from all family and friends. The victim gets to the point where they feel that they have no where to turn and put up with the abuse as there doesn't feel like a way out. They will deny it to protect the abuser. Careful that you don't push too hard, you are already in a tough spot, you are the ex. She may feel like you like the fact that life isn't good for her right now. That is the mind game the abuser plays with the victim, makes them feel worthless.

Do you talk to anyone in her family and on good terms with them? Does your daughter feel comfortable calling 911 when the hitting starts? If you push too hard then your ex will withdraw even more.

just read your other thread..looks like you really don't want to help your ex but want to use this as a way to gain custody of the daughter. While I agree with the fact it isn't a good situation for your daughter, I wonder if a temporary switch would be acceptable for your ex instead of adding stress to her life by taking it to court. Ask her and see what she thinks, she may be more acceptable to it if you talk to her. If she doesn't want to then take it to court. I actually thought you were concerned about your ex but in reality you are not IMHO.
There are 2 sides to my problem, the legal side which is protecting our daughter, and the side of me that knows that my ex will always be a part of our daughters life and that she loves her Mom and her mom loves her, and I want my ex to be in good space and not in an abusive place so she can be the best mom possible. Our daughter needs it, and I am just not sure how to handle dealing with keeping our daughter safe but also keeping my ex safe. No matter how bad things are she is in a very bad place and is very isolated from family and friends.
I try and keep open lines of communication with my ex's parents and have heard from our daughter that family members on her husbands side have stopped talking to them because they are upset at the way he treats his wife.
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Old 08-07-2016, 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
HI Fireweb13! Looking back briefly over some of your previous posts through the years it seems that most of your problems with your ex were back in the time when you first joined in 2011 and 2012. Is your ex with the same fellow? I believe your ex had another child with this person correct? (I'm just trying to get the 'Reader's Digest' version updated).

I think you have to do whatever you feel appropriate to ensure that your child is safe. CAS is now involved. I'd leave it at that.
This is the same person she was with back then, they are married now though. They do have a son together, a 4 year old boy. From all accounts he is learning abusive behaviour as well from his father unfortunately. I have explained to our daughter about the importance of 911. I just feel caught in the middle here where I want our daughter safe, but I also want my ex safe as well.
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Old 08-07-2016, 11:01 PM
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You are not equipped to deal with this sort of a situation. Your ex needs to take the first step to seek assistance. You can help by writing a list of phone numbers that your ex can call to seek help.

Your primary concern is the safety and health of your daughter and, of course, your current family. If your ex's husband has a screw loose then you do not want this individual to have an excuse to put your family in danger. People like this always justify their actions by blaming everyone and anyone. Don't put yourself in his cross-hairs.

I'd follow-up and work in conjunction with CAS.
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Old 08-08-2016, 11:21 AM
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You can't do anything to help your ex unless she chooses to help herself. Trying to influence what's going on will be interpreted as interference, not support, given the history of high conflict between you and Mom. Make sure Kid knows how to use 911 and keep the lines of communication open with Kid and CAS. Mom may come to you for help at some time, but right now, you are not the best person to get into the situation.
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Old 09-21-2017, 09:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireweb13 View Post
I was wondering if there is any advice for helping you ex when they are being abused. My daughter brought it to our attention that her mom is being hit and many other things. Her mom is in complete denial but its very apparent that it is happening. I just want to see if there is anything I can do, I have spoken to childrens aid and they will work on helping our daughter, but I was support on how to help my Ex in her situation as she is in need of help and very isolated right now. I feel very bad for her to be stuck right now.
The victim is the person who needs to be strong.This message has to be spread everywhere. ( https://www.powerofpositivity.com/6-...-strong-woman/ )
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