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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2009, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scared1 View Post
He sounds like my extob. Controllling.
This qualifes for mental cruelty. She can go and get an interim or temp order for custody and the house. Ask her to see duty council at or the family law information center at the courthoue.
OK, so far we have only heard one side of the story and that too through a non-party. It is very much possible that the poster's daughter is the abusive person instead. Of course, Worried Father would not see faults in his daughter and would naturally hate any man who is married to his little girl.

It is not illegal for a man to be a stay at home parent and it does not make him abusive or controlling. Perhaps the wife in question does not like him staying at home and she insults him constantly which leads to verbal abuse, most likely by both parties (if it even exists). There is always other side of the story so no one should be judging anyone without knowing the full facts.

Surprisingly, no one in the thread suggested any reconciliation attempts such as counselling, parenting education etc. Are we all here to break families?

What's wrong with wife paying the mortgage when the title is in both of their names? My ex never paid a dime towards the mortgage or any other expenses but she was still there on the title and the mortgage. Funny thing, she was not even a stay at home mother but I guess that was okay because she is a woman?
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2009, 09:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scared1 View Post
He sounds like my extob. Controllling.
This qualifes for mental cruelty. She can go and get an interim or temp order for custody and the house. Ask her to see duty council at or the family law information center at the courthoue.
I'm going out on a limb here and saying that way too many times Moms play the controlling/abusive card when it either isn't true at all and/or it doesn't affect Dad's parenting.

It's a crying shame because it screws kids, Dads and women that are real victims. And it makes Mom a crappier parent.
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Old 11-25-2009, 03:32 PM
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While that *may* be true Dadtotheend, your attitude diminishes those of us who were abused, have every reason to fear the ex.

It is completely unfair for ANYONE to claim abuse when it is not true, or to claim that there was a lot of it when it was little. The end of a relationship brings desperation, and people act differently when they realize their perception of life is walking out the door. I suspect most couples experience some sort of abuse near the end of the relationship.

It is when one person is overwhelmingly abusive that damages the other. It is the repeated assaults, put-downs, insults etc that wear you down, break your self-belief. This is not something you can understand unless it has happened to you. Please do not presume to judge people because they say they have been abused. You have no idea how deeply words can burn you.

If there is someone here who claims abuse for the advantages it brings in divorce, I ask you to think hard. You are taking credibility and help away from people who deserve it and desperately need it.. Shame.
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Old 11-25-2009, 03:56 PM
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No its not my attitude that diminishes those of us that were abused, it's the behaviour of those who falsely allege abuse. The stress attendant with the end of a relationship may explain false allegations of abuse but it sure as hell doesn't excuse it.

I was emotionally and physically abused too, but I didn't need to play that card to get sole custody. Indeed it was falsely alleged (make that projected) by her that I did it. I know what it's like to be put down and blamed. I let the facts speak for themselves, and the facts were that I had a better parenting plan and am a more stable parent.

It is hugely naive to think that false allegations of abuse by Moms doesn't happen. Lawyers encourage it, and some people even falsely allege domestic abuse in order to have their spouses removed from the home and to establish a status quo that leads to sole custody.

It's common knowledge and a tried and true tactic that is used by unscrupulous and vindictive parents. Please don't come back and suggest that it's offensive to real domestic violence/emotional abuse victims. Blame the clowns who are making the false allegations. They are ones who are offensive to real victims.
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Old 11-25-2009, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
I'm going out on a limb here and saying that way too many times Moms play the controlling/abusive card when it either isn't true at all and/or it doesn't affect Dad's parenting.
I was not arguing with you. Yes, it happens, People who are desperate (and unjust) will use anything to "win", regardless of the consequences to others. But I will argue that if abuse occurs, it DOES effect a person's parenting skills. Especially when you are forced to work co-operatively to parent children with someone who has tormented you. How can you act on what you believe is best when that person who used to control you is staring over your shoulder? How can you stop feeling the intimidation that you have felt for so long, just because you are not legally joined to that person anymore. I'm sorry, but being abused does affect parenting skill, it effects the abused person, and THAT needs to be considered.

However, your post, and the previous one, implied that this woman is claiming abuse when it may not be true. Actually, this woman is not part of this forum so she cannot defend her claims. It is someone who is concerned for her who is looking for answers. Regardless of whether there is abuse or not, this person is concerned and needs useful advice.

I am not naive. I know false allegations happen, but how do you know which ones are true and which ones aren't? I did blame those who make false accusations, I shamed them. but unless they acknowledge that they have lied how are we ever to know how many are really false? The assumption that anyone's claims are false IS offensive. It is EXACTLY this attitude that weakens legitimate claims of abuse.
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Old 11-25-2009, 09:45 PM
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you are absolutely right scared1. A psychologist really should be able to figure out the truth about abuse quite easily. It's too bad that the law does not recognize that and order an evaluation whenever abuse is alleged. It really would cut back on false accusations.
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Old 11-27-2009, 07:38 PM
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Check post #7 here:

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f4/sigh-5798/

Mom makes outrageous false allegation. What a surprise.
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Old 11-29-2009, 01:08 PM
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Dadtotheend,

You are making it sound like all mothers are insane and out to get the dads. There are many more mothers on this forum that are reasonable and trying to do what's best than there are lunatics.

While I agree that there are selfish PARENTS out there (both moms and dads) there are many more that are Trying to do what's best. Try to be sensitive to that and realistic. The world is not all black and white. Yes, that mother was WAY out of line. But how often does that happen? Often for some families, but I don't think it's a regular thing in most.

Last edited by billiechic; 11-29-2009 at 01:09 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-29-2009, 04:23 PM
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Don't mean to paint all Moms with that brush. But I knew I would get that reaction when I made the post. Please don't project my views about some Moms to all Moms.

I went out on a limb to say what I said, and I stand by it. There's some bad apples out there stealing custody and then alienating their children to the Dad, plain and simple. And that needs to be addressed. The stories are all over this forum, I see it in the media and I see it in my personal experiences.

How about the recent thread where someone here advised someone else to lie to the cops about a parent being intoxicated in order to get the cops to come to the house and intervene???? Nice work. Create a scene in front of the kids.

Unfortunately the members on this forum are mostly people who are in the most conflicted cases and are not representative of the entire population, most or many of whom settle their separation amicably. As a result, one sees the sadder stories here. The posts I make are in response to those sad stories and do not represent my feelings about ALL Moms or Dads.

Just like the minority of Dads that don't bother to see their kids and/or stiff Mom on CS, these people tar the majority with the same brush.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 11-29-2009 at 04:31 PM.
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Old 11-29-2009, 08:16 PM
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agreed. If you can amicably agree, then it is unlikely anyone ends up here, or stays for long.

I'm sorry if it seemed I was singling you out. Some people can be jaded by personal experience and unfairly paint all others the same. I'm glad you aren't one of them.
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