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selfrep00 01-29-2016 03:17 PM

Domestic Violence / Abuse
 
Hi folks,

I'm dealing with somewhat of a special type of person in my ex.

Since the separation, my ex has committed acts of destruction to property, and has committed "minor" acts of violence against me.

While still living at the matrimonial home together (I have since moved out) :

- He punched a hole in the wall in front of the children, threatening me with Consequences if I left him.
- He barged into my bedroom at night numerous times (sometimes drunk) to yell at me, and throw separation agreements in my face
- After I had a lock installed on the bedroom door to prevent these nightly "visits" he broke down my bedroom door to continue to verbally assault me after I had retreated there to be in peace.
- He charged at me to prevent me from taking the child car seats
- He showed up at my new home, and attempted to enter my home to take the kids
- He pushed me in front of the children and grabbed my arm leaving a mark
- He shows up at my work, when co-workers tell him I'm not here he says "Is that what she told you to say?" and said he'd wait at my car. 3 hours later he's waiting by my car.

These are not extreme cases of domestic violence, but he uses intimidation, fear, blackmail, threats and physical strength to dictate situations.

I have tried to press charges, as I called the police for 3 of these incidents, and the police have discouraged me saying that the children would be taken away from both of us (I do not want to put the children through that).

My question is, from a third party perspective, are these grounds for Assault, and should I/can I press charges?

My concerns are that his acts of violence have escalated with each incident, as each time the police didn't do anything. In fact the last visit, he somehow convinced them that he was the victim, and the police sided with him (and the victim's unit called HIM). He coaxed my daughter to lie to the police, though when C.A.S. spoke to her, she told them the truth.

He also coaxed my daughter into telling C.A.S. that my current partner physically abused her. The C.A.S. rep did not believe his accusations, but the repercussions COULD have been devastating.

I have done what I can to cut off all communications, but he still does as he pleases (like showing up at my work or new home when told he is not welcome).

I would like to press charges, so that this does not escalate into something much worse, he has committed acts of violence against me in the past, years ago, but I don't want to bring them up, because Police have ridiculed me for having stayed with him and not reporting it...

I would also at least get a Restraining / Non-Harassment order.

Do I have the grounds for charges and/or a Non-Harassment order?

arabian 01-29-2016 03:42 PM

I would look into obtaining a peace bond or a restraining Order. Do you have a lawyer? If you do then discuss the matter with the lawyer.

Every time the police were involved did you obtain a file #? If not I would strongly encourage you to obtain those.


https://niagara.cioc.ca/record/NIA2419

http://www.cleo.on.ca/en/publication...hat-peace-bond

http://www.cleo.on.ca/en/publication...raining-orders

You might want to consider a 'mutual' peace bond. This way you both agree to stay away from each other and by going this way it help to diffuse and deter any future clashes with each other.

Keep in mind, however, that peace bonds and restraining orders can make parenting time exchanges difficult for some.

Police are hip to people who make false accusations against each other, desiring an outcome which would shore up their child custody position.

LovingFather32 01-29-2016 07:35 PM

Hi there. First off, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The below is terrifying to read.

Quote:

He punched a hole in the wall in front of the children, threatening me with Consequences if I left him.
- He barged into my bedroom at night numerous times (sometimes drunk) to yell at me, and throw separation agreements in my face
- After I had a lock installed on the bedroom door to prevent these nightly "visits" he broke down my bedroom door to continue to verbally assault me after I had retreated there to be in peace.
- He charged at me to prevent me from taking the child car seats
- He showed up at my new home, and attempted to enter my home to take the kids
- He pushed me in front of the children and grabbed my arm leaving a mark
- He shows up at my work, when co-workers tell him I'm not here he says "Is that what she told you to say?" and said he'd wait at my car. 3 hours later he's waiting by my car.
It sounds like these are consistent "patterns" of abusive behavior. I am confident that you backed yourself up by taking pictures of bruises, keeping documentation of police calls, picture of broken doors, etc. It's good that you have witnesses at work who observe his "stalkish", intimidating behavior.

Quote:

These are not extreme cases of domestic violence, but he uses intimidation, fear, blackmail, threats and physical strength to dictate situations
Actually they are all pretty extreme, especially the stuff in front of the child. The psychological/emotional abuse also sounds very significant.

Quote:

I have tried to press charges, as I called the police for 3 of these incidents, and the police have discouraged me saying that the children would be taken away from both of us (I do not want to put the children through that).
I would suggest calling another police station. What they have told you is BS. That would deter abused women to seek help for sure. Nobody will take your children away from you if you're a proven victim of abuse.

Have you accessed a women's resource CTR? They might have more info for you.
I was under the impression that if a person calls 9-1-1 and reports abuse and states that they would like to press charges...that it's the officer's duty to do so. But I'm no cop so I could be wrong.

You've called the 3 times now. It's completely wrong and abnormal for them not to act, especially since "3" times illustrates a clear pattern.

Quote:

In fact the last visit, he somehow convinced them that he was the victim, and the police sided with him (and the victim's unit called HIM). He coaxed my daughter to lie to the police, though when C.A.S. spoke to her, she told them the truth.
Generally police and "police partner assault" do not take these things lightly. (Especially after calling the 3 times). How the hell did he have them do a 360 degree turn to him being a victim? Did he have marks of any kind? Perhaps in your self-defense?

I don't really get it. Dumbest police force in the universe .. or what?

Quote:

He coaxed my daughter to lie to the police, though when C.A.S. spoke to her, she told them the truth.
Told the truth about what? That he was abusive or that she witnessed something? If so, did you get a report with that. This document will go a long way if you want to proceed with charges, restraining order, peace bond, etc.

Quote:

I would like to press charges, so that this does not escalate into something much worse, he has committed acts of violence against me in the past, years ago, but I don't want to bring them up, because Police have ridiculed me for having stayed with him and not reporting it...
Definitely bring up the past abuse also. You've already called the cops 3 times. There's a clear pattern. Balance of probabilities that something has to be wrong.

Quote:

I would also at least get a Restraining / Non-Harassment order.

Do I have the grounds for charges and/or a Non-Harassment order?
Yes, with the info you've given, this would certainly be a good idea. You need to keep yourself safe. He definitely shouldn't be barging in anywhere, including your place of employment of home.

Do you have grounds? Well .. do you have proof? Problem seems to be the police don't think so... and say that he's the victim. (After 3 calls)

Did you take pic's of bruises?, e-mails, texts, etc. You will need stuff like this.

I'm sorry you're going through this .. keep your head held high.

LF32

mcdreamy 01-29-2016 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingFather32 (Post 204330)

It sounds like these are consistent "patterns" of abusive behavior. I am confident that you backed yourself up by taking pictures of bruises, keeping documentation of police calls, picture of broken doors, etc. It's good that you have witnesses at work who observe his "stalkish", intimidating behavior.

LF32

Yes, because of course, evidence supports that victims of domestic abuse report. Consistently. Support of the police, and crown attorney, are there for you. And if you don't report, you aren't abused. :rolleyes:

selfrep00 01-29-2016 08:39 PM

Hi LovingFather32,

Thanks for taking the time to break all this down and actually listen, and provide your unbiased feedback. After 8 months of going through this, everyone has excused his behavior as "normal behavior after separation/divorce". It's extremely frustrating, and has left me to feel like I am alone vs the world, with no one to help.

I Agree that the police have been completely irrational and inappropriate and I was thinking of filing a complaint, but I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm "against" the police, because that's how it felt when they spoke to me on the 3rd incident. They TOLD me that he was a good father based on their interactions with him. I'm sorry but you can't determine that from a 1 hour conversation with a person, especially a sociopath who thrives at manipulating people and states "I love that I have everyone fooled".

I have pictures of everything, emails, texts, some recorded conversations, some recordings of him calling out to the children while he's pushing me, brainwashing them that I was the abuser (children are only 3 and 6 and always seem to respond to his brainwashing).

I feel like I need to go to the police to file a report to clarify all of the incidents and to clear up the 3rd incident where the victim's unit called him. The police failed to do their job, they spoke to him for over an hour, and then came to speak to me for 5 minutes, lecturing me about MY behavior. My boyfriend was in the car, and knew this was wrong, and questioned their intent. He straight up asked them what would be in the report, the cops slipped up on their words, and said that there would be nothing, except "there was an altercation and a drink was spilled". My boyfriend called B.S., near the end they were not listening to my side of the story and told us they had better things to do.

P.S. the boyfriend only showed up after the incident, to wait in his car with me, until the police arrived. He was not there during the incident, and he stayed on the street (public property) to avoid giving my ex any fuel for his "side".

You couldn't have said this better :

"Definitely bring up the past abuse also. You've already called the cops 3 times. There's a clear pattern. Balance of probabilities that something has to be wrong."

LovingFather32 01-29-2016 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcdreamy (Post 204336)
Yes, because of course, evidence supports that victims of domestic abuse report. Consistently. Support of the police, and crown attorney, are there for you. And if you don't report, you aren't abused. :rolleyes:

You can roll your eyes at me all you'd like. My advice was sound.

OP .. note that I did not say "If you don't report it, you arn't abused"... McDreamy seems to have not read my post if she thinks that's what I typed.

I'm trying to give you advice to better your position to fry this guy for his ways.

LovingFather32 01-29-2016 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by selfrep00 (Post 204337)
Hi LovingFather32,

Thanks for taking the time to break all this down and actually listen, and provide your unbiased feedback.

Not a problem. It hit a nerve hearing all the crap you're putting up with.

You need to take steps to ensure you and your child's safety. I'm super glad you have proof as it will make your journey that much easier.

Best of luck,

LF32

selfrep00 01-29-2016 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingFather32 (Post 204340)
You can roll your eyes at me all you'd like. My advice was sound.

OP .. note that I did not say "If you don't report it, you arn't abused"... McDreamy seems to have not read my post if she thinks that's what I typed.

I'm trying to give you advice to better your position to fry this guy for his ways.

Yeah, I wasn't exactly sure what to make of that comment.

But I didn't take it to heart. :)

stripes 01-30-2016 01:35 PM

From what you have said, a restraining order or peace bond seems like a good idea. This kind of behaviour rarely goes away on its own - you need something to ensure that you and ex are never in physical proximity, so he can't harass or attack you. As Arabian says, these orders are usually reciprocal (you can't go near him, just like he can't go near you). You may need to enlist the assistance of third parties if you have to transfer the kids between one parent and another once a mutual restraining order or peace bond is in place.

Definitely speak to a domestic violence shelter about the best way to accomplish this. They can also help you to decide whether to push the police about charging your ex for assault. Police forces in some jurisdictions are notorious for not taking "domestics" seriously - viewing them as just disagreements between a couple or as a distraction from "real" crime. Depending on what kind of police you're dealing with, seeking assault charges may or may not be a good use of your time, but there are other ways to keep him away from you, like restraining orders.

selfrep00 01-30-2016 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stripes (Post 204350)
From what you have said, a restraining order or peace bond seems like a good idea. This kind of behaviour rarely goes away on its own - you need something to ensure that you and ex are never in physical proximity, so he can't harass or attack you. As Arabian says, these orders are usually reciprocal (you can't go near him, just like he can't go near you). You may need to enlist the assistance of third parties if you have to transfer the kids between one parent and another once a mutual restraining order or peace bond is in place.

Definitely speak to a domestic violence shelter about the best way to accomplish this. They can also help you to decide whether to push the police about charging your ex for assault. Police forces in some jurisdictions are notorious for not taking "domestics" seriously - viewing them as just disagreements between a couple or as a distraction from "real" crime. Depending on what kind of police you're dealing with, seeking assault charges may or may not be a good use of your time, but there are other ways to keep him away from you, like restraining orders.

Thanks for chiming in. I agree.

I want to go to the police station to give my account of the events for the time the victims unit contacted him, and have everything on file, the way it actually happened. But after that, I'll be going to the court house for a restraining order / non-harassment order, or a peace bond which he will likely agree to, since he's now stating I am the culprit.


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