cycles of abuse

[broken_gal]

How many of you have been in a situation where you have left your spouse, the abuser, and the abuser swears up and down to change. You take him back/forgive him. Do you think these abusers can actually change, or are we just putting ourselves back into the cycle of abuse, for it to happen all over again and making it harder to leave them in the future?

I have left my abusive relationship. Husband has made promises to change as he has hit rock bottom. But frankly, I don't believe him because I believe that once the line of abuse is crossed, anything can happen in the future. I would like to believe him for our 6 month old son, but a larger part of me is concerned about our safety and security

[Mess]

Generally speaking, abusers are abusive to their spouse and keep it in the home. They can get along just fine with friends, relatives, co-workers, clients, etc.

One of the main reasons is that outside we have boundaries with people and only show them a part of ourtselves. If my boss criticizes me at work I don't take it personally because my work is not my entire person, it is just a small part of who I am.

When our spouses criticize us it is always more personal, there are no boundaries, they see and know all of us and anything we say to each other goes deep. A compliment means more from a spouse, an insult cuts deeper.

When we are away from our spouses then the toxic situation is gone, we feel better, we are less stressed, less threatened and less angry. We thicken our skins and are less sensitive to criticism.

Get back together and nothing has changed, because why should it change? The two people are the same and the communication style is the same and the issues are the same. We had a break, now the break is over.

It's possible for relationships to change and abusers to change but it isn't going to happen just because we split up for a while. There has to be an actual realization of why we all behave the way we do, how we communicate, how we push each other's buttons, how we can do it differently.

[wretchedotis]

I liken this question to that of one of whether or not an addict is really done with being an addict.

People CAN change. But it is very difficult, and takes time and EFFORT.
Maybe he HAS hit bottom. Maybe he IS ready to change. But you accepting him at that as the truth right now is dangerous. Oftentimes people will 'bargain' in an attemppt to win back what they have lost. If its him 'bargaining', then he really isn't at a point where his life will change.

If you are inclined - tell him that you will support him emotionally while he tries to sort his life out - but that it needs to be understood that you two are OVER. If, in some time, he turns his life around and you see REAL gains from effort on his part - well then, maybe he is ready.

You must decide what is acceptable to you, and your life. And then stick to it if you really want to help him.

[Gary M]

If he really wants to change he will seek professional help, and he will be positive about it. He won't miss appointments, he won't criticize the crazy shrink, and he won't ever deny that he has a problem.

None of us here can tell you whether or not he will change, nor can any of us here tell you whether it's safe to go back. And if you listen to any of us you are a fool.

You can evaluate his sincerity (use my guidelines above, and those of the other respondees) and make a call based on your intuition AND THE ADVICE OF A PROFESSIONAL.

Cheers!

Gary

[NBDad]

Anger Management
Marriage Counselling
Personal counselling

^^^^

That. Is he willing to do THAT and follow up with it?
If you go back to him and he lays hands on you, call the cops.

[Rioe]

Yep, I agree! If he's sincere about wanting to change and not just trying to manipulate you, he'll be seeking counselling, taking programs, jumping through whatever hoops you dictate, etc.

Was alcohol a factor in the abuse? Tell him he has to stop drinking entirely before you'll believe him.

Definitely relationship counselling with you present. And he has to listen and respect you when it's your turn to talk. If the therapist tells him something to do, some exercise to try or book to read, he has to hop up and start doing it the next day.

Don't believe his words. Believe his actions.

[karmaseeker]

Originally Posted by Gary M

If he really wants to change he will seek professional help, and he will be positive about it. He won't miss appointments, he won't criticize the crazy shrink, and he won't ever deny that he has a problem.

None of us here can tell you whether or not he will change, nor can any of us here tell you whether it's safe to go back. And if you listen to any of us you are a fool.

You can evaluate his sincerity (use my guidelines above, and those of the other respondees) and make a call based on your intuition AND THE ADVICE OF A PROFESSIONAL.

Cheers!

Gary

Great answer Gary

Desire to change is only one ingredient. New behaviours have to be learned to replace old behaviours. They will only be learned if someone teaches them. It would be foolish to think that anyone can be different without doing the work to become different.

Anger management, counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy - pick one and when you start to see new behaviours forming then consider moving. Desire alone is not enough.

[AnarX]

You should help your abusive husband change........ but make sure you are far away from him.

I would not give him a chance. A man who would strike the mother of his child does not deserve the comforts of modern society.

[mrsb]

Good for you for leaving and stopping the abuse. The abuser will not change. It will only get worse. If the abuser did want to change it is going to take YEARS of therapy to do so. By himself. His issues are not your problem. You can not involve yourself with it.

I don't know if you have called the police or if he has been charged but you should get yourself in contact with Victim Services. They will help you with a saftey plan and point you in the right direction to help you heal. Don't worry about him healing, worry about yourself.

Not to scare you but statistics indicate that you are MORE at risk right after you leave. Remember that. Break all contact with him and call a lawyer.

Regardless if you have a child with him or not, your safety is more important at this point. You owe it to your child to be safe, healthy and happy.

[lorlaman]

My ex became addicted to prescription speed (Dexadrine) and beleived I was trying to poison her for about 5 years. She was the most docile and loving person I ever met, my true soul mate and we lasted 26 years. At the height of her paranoia and defense of the drug, she assualted me and I defended myself. She called 911, admitted to the police she made a 'motion' of kneeing me in the groin 3 times but insisted she did not follow through and they arrested her.
The months later, she returned home after getting off the charges and weening off the drugs but no treatement. I guess the court thought she would just switch off once off the drugs. The realationship went straight downhill, and we seperated. 1-1/2 years later, her lawyer admits the drugs affected her (she would never admit it), but I beleive this admission was the only logical explanation for her actions. I thought she would hit rock bottom but didn't. She has given up 2 kids that don't want to see her, the 26 year realtionship, house, etc all because of the drugs.

Don't fall short on your demands. Without treatment, and I mean good treatment, nothing will change. 1 year of counselling for the kids and I verified this. She has not been to one counselling session. She is aggressive around the kids. I do not recognize this person I though I knew so well and trusted with my kids and my life. My hands are washed and I am keeping them clean.