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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 09:47 AM
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Is the house owned or rented.

I am wondering if there is a little bit of mutual conflict here between parties? I know when I was in an abusive relationship the last thing I would ever dream of doing was he was getting angry was call him an idiot. .
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:20 AM
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The house is owned, by me. I owned it prior to him, and I anticipate it would be the only contentious issue. There would be no support as we make almost the same money. I want him to, ideally, pay him a lump sum to walk away, and leave what he came in with, because he didn't contribute to the home in the 4 years he lived in it (except for maybe $2000 in a couple small payments to help me with bills, when he could afford it). In return I won't take half of the big WSIB payment he's going to be getting from the year he was off work, or half of his $50K in tools, etc etc. Just walk away. I want to try to persuade him to do that, anyways.

There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goosie77 View Post
There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
Concerning statement to say the least. This kind of conflict and problem resolution won't make things better. In fact, if you contribute to the conflict any allegation you make against the other party there will be equal evidence from that party to deal with if the matter were to go to court or the police were called.

If you are truly in a dangerous situation. Please remove yourself form it, seek a safe environment and do not do as you stated above. Some times strength doesn't come from fighting but, from leaving and finding a better channel (e.g. therapy) to deal with the emotional challenges from a failed relationship.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:43 AM
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yep the house is going to be the hard part. Legally it became half his when you married. How much equity is in the house? Did he own the tools before you were married? Believe me its not all cut and dried like you think.

calling him on things when he is angry does make it a mutual conflict.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goosie77 View Post
There's no mutual conflict. Like I said before, I'm not a fearful little mouse when he's angry. If he's in my face yelling at me and says something stupid, I'll call him on it, like when I called him an idiot. I don't have to sit there and take his shit.
That certainly screams mutual conflict... just because you don't physically touch him, you are engaging in the conflict by such statements. To say you are not engaging in mutual conflict is hard to believe as you openly admit that you verbally abuse him.

As for the house...you may not be so lucky...it is great to hope, but it is clear you are both wrapped up in conflict. He could have contributed $0, but being the mat home, it will still be split 50/50. His tools, if they are for his personal business, you may not be able to touch and really why would you want to?
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:51 AM
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To the OP: that's quite the declaration - that you are not a "mouse" and that you can stand up to him. However, when he's got you up against the wall choking you and telling you that it's women like you, that make husbands kill their wives and then themselves, you are the mouse. Presumably he is physically stronger than you are. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Hopefully you can sort out your equalization issues and steer clear of anyone who resorts to physical violence and threats of same.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:00 AM
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To answer your question, claiming DV is not worth it. No fault divorce means just that, you dont't need a reason to divorce.
DV has become a buzz word that the courts are beginning to role their eyes at.
If you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out!!!!!!!!
Yelling and standing up to an abusive partner is not a responsible thing to do. He isn't scared of your slurs or name calling and it does escalate the situation.
Family Law is not as cut and dry as you may think, and an abusive person doesn't change their colours just because you say the relationship is over. The abuse continues it just takes on a different flavour.
Property maybe easy to divide but the MH does have very clear rules, so just be aware as you move forward.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:03 AM
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I don't think it's necessarily cut and dried, but I'd like to try to make it cut and dried if I can by not being a vindictive bitch about things as I said.

He owned his tools before we got married, however they are not used for his 'business', he is a mechanic, but his employer provides his tools at his job site. I don't want half of his tools, but if he wants half of the value of the house, then I should be able to subtract half the value of his tools, yes?

hadenough- I don't know if you're trying to piss me off or trying to make me feel like a poor helpless victim or what, but it isn't working. I know what he did, and I know how much strength he has on me, thanks. I know I've made mistakes in staying with him while his issues escalated, and am going to now attempt to rectify them.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momforever1956 View Post
To answer your question, claiming DV is not worth it. No fault divorce means just that, you dont't need a reason to divorce.
DV has become a buzz word that the courts are beginning to role their eyes at.
If you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out!!!!!!!!
Yelling and standing up to an abusive partner is not a responsible thing to do. He isn't scared of your slurs or name calling and it does escalate the situation.
Family Law is not as cut and dry as you may think, and an abusive person doesn't change their colours just because you say the relationship is over. The abuse continues it just takes on a different flavour.
Property maybe easy to divide but the MH does have very clear rules, so just be aware as you move forward.

I can contest to this and am still dealing with it. Perhaps some preparation as to what reading materials would best meet the needs of this poster can be recommended?

I have read many of William Eddy's books and have found them extremely helpful.

The abuse does continue as momforever explains. It is a cycle and does not end easily, even though you may want it to.

How you proceed is up to you. If you wish to escalate matters by 'raging' back, you may have an increase of issues and perpetuate the cycle further.

Divorce brings out the worst in people and often times an abusive relationship becomes even more abusive and dangerous.

Stay safe, stay smart, stay sane.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:08 AM
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If he had the tools before marriage he then brought them into the marriage he gets to leave with those tools...however you don't get to do the same with the mat home. You could argue that he only gets to share in the increase value of the mat home from the time of marriage, instead of splitting it 50/50.

Example... if the house has equity of 20K at the time of marriage and now has equity of 50K, he should be entitled to half of 30K, which is the increased value from the time of marriage. This would be true providing he did not live in that house prior to marriage.

Knowing this man is abusive and choosing to stay is not going to help you, you are risking your own safety for nothing. You should be getting out of the house and applying for exclusive possession.
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