Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2012, 09:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 47
goosie77 is on a distinguished road
Default

There are no kids involved. I'm not going to a shelter or leaving my home, he's gone to stay at his mother's home anyways. He claimed he wasn't going for his guns, but for wrapping paper, but I heard his keys jingling. He was half in the bag at the time, now he's claiming he didn't do anything wrong... this was via text. I told him to stop contacting me.

I'm quite sure in retrospect he was trying to be dramatic and 'scare' me, he's always been the type to create drama and exaggerate everything to garner sympathy, but still, no excuse for being a jackass. The police came here and spoke to me and said they'd try to locate him, I'm not sure whether they did or not. I know he hasn't been arrested though. I didnt tell them he choked me... I didn't say yes or no when she asked me though either, I didn't want him to get arrested and have his life ruined. I still care about what happens to him, as stupid as that may sound.
Reply With Quote
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2012, 09:42 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Somewhere Out There
Posts: 236
madm82 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by goosie77 View Post
There are no kids involved. I'm not going to a shelter or leaving my home, he's gone to stay at his mother's home anyways. He claimed he wasn't going for his guns, but for wrapping paper, but I heard his keys jingling. He was half in the bag at the time, now he's claiming he didn't do anything wrong... this was via text. I told him to stop contacting me.

I'm quite sure in retrospect he was trying to be dramatic and 'scare' me, he's always been the type to create drama and exaggerate everything to garner sympathy, but still, no excuse for being a jackass. The police came here and spoke to me and said they'd try to locate him, I'm not sure whether they did or not. I know he hasn't been arrested though. I didnt tell them he choked me... I didn't say yes or no when she asked me though either, I didn't want him to get arrested and have his life ruined. I still care about what happens to him, as stupid as that may sound.
So are you planning on staying with him then/working things out?
Reply With Quote
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2012, 09:46 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,844
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

My recommendation is to immediately eliminate the alcohol.
You might need some counselling in this area. There are many people who will help you.

Children are the priority. Make sure they are safe. If you or your partner have a drinking problem leave the kids with friends or family.

If you're living in a fog you won't be able to see the grass from the trees.
Reply With Quote
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2012, 11:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 47
goosie77 is on a distinguished road
Default

No, I am not planning on working things out. But I don't want to ruin his life just for the sake of doing so, either.

Arabian - nobody has a drinking problem. We had went out to a charity event at a bar that night and he had had a few beer. Neither of us drinks except for the occasional social event like that one.

Again, there are no kids.
Reply With Quote
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 12:23 AM
hadenough's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,468
hadenough is on a distinguished road
Default

To recap: You don't want to "ruin his life," but he's threatening yours.. That's kind of you to protect him like that. The next time he's choking you, you might want to re-think your position. You really should seek counseling - your self esteem has been lost.
Reply With Quote
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 12:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 47
goosie77 is on a distinguished road
Default

My self esteem is just fine, and he won't be getting an opportunity to choke me again. I know I'm better than him and better than to take that, I just don't want to be a vindictive bitch on the way out, unless he forces my hand.
Reply With Quote
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 12:56 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,844
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

back to your original question about if it's good to claim domestic violence....

Canada is a no-fault divorce country. The only benefit from claiming physical or mental abuse or adultery is that if you are successful (like I was) you don't have to wait the full 1 yr before your divorce is granted. Seriously, that is the only benefit. Judges are precluded from taking reports of domestic violence when they determine property awards, child support or spousal support - AS THEY SHOULD. In Alberta things seem to go quicker for divorces than in Ontario so unless you live here I don't see what the benefit is to use abuse as a reason for your divorce. Bottom line - no one cares why you break up. Remember that the document you enter into court will outlive you and your kids will eventually have access to every dirty little detail of your divorce.

Matrimonial property and equalization determination is one thing.
Child custody and support is one thing.
Spousal Support, proof of eligibility of same, is another thing.

Be prepared to compartmentalize everything. In other words - if he was a bad boy it don't mean shit when it comes to money honey.
Reply With Quote
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 01:45 AM
OhMy's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 412
OhMy is on a distinguished road
Default

Goosie77,

Speaking from my own experience....we will always try to defend what's happened and minimize the assaults. It's easier and hurts less that way.

If you both don't get help- it will get worse. It won't get better on its own.

Abuse is about control.

Not all of it is physical either.

It took me a long time to get my head on straight. I was (and still am to degree) angry with myself for letting it happen. I still have nightmares, oh joy! (hence why I'm up).

One book I found helpful was 'the verbally abused' by Patricia Evans.

The divorce will be much more costly if its on grounds of abuse or infidelity (the only two clauses that allow for an immediate divorce). As you then have to either have his consent to the divorce and he also admits it(not likely), or you go to court to argue it. Even if he admits it- it's highly unlikely the divorce would go through before a year anyhow.

The year goes by very fast.

I wish you the best.

Last edited by OhMy; 12-24-2012 at 01:52 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 03:29 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 483
firhill is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by goosie77 View Post
My self esteem is just fine, and he won't be getting an opportunity to choke me again. I know I'm better than him and better than to take that, I just don't want to be a vindictive bitch on the way out, unless he forces my hand.
Good on you g77.

Your only mistake was to include details of how everything went down which apparently invited everybody and their sister to voice their opinion on how you should deal with the abuse issue.

You got the (unanimous) answer to the one question you asked.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.
Reply With Quote
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2012, 06:57 AM
Tayken's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6,472
Tayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant futureTayken has a brilliant future
Default

Warning: Controversial Opinion

1. There are no children involved in the matter.

2. Your best opportunity as stated by others to protect yourself is to leave the relationship and remove yourself from the presence of the other party.

3. Divorce is "no-fault" and with no children involved in the matter equalization will still happen on a 50-50 basis generally. So alleging domestic violence won't get you anything really. It won't get you more support generally. As well, you are in a very short marriage so support (spousal) is a very low possibility.

4. The evidence to prove violence in the relationship to get a divorce done quickly often takes more time than the 1 year of separation does. You will have to get before the court and as children are not involved in the matter you can expect that the schedule to get you into trial to get a final decision will take 2-3 years or longer.

5. Leave the residence and then serve an offer to settle that is reasonable on the other party and notify the other party in writing that with service you are notifying them that you are now living "separate and apart". This will start the timer for when you can file for a divorce.

6. There are no children involved so really all you have to do is split any marital property and possibly deal with any support if applicable in the situation.

7. The best thing you can do is to eliminate the other party from your life and effectively end communications. I would recommend in your situation that you retain counsel and have them deal with the matter and just serve an offer to settle.

8. You are under no obligation to directly communicate with the other party for anything and you should retain counsel to deal with the other party on the matters of equalizing the marital assets and support (if applicable).

Good Luck!
Tayken

Last edited by Tayken; 12-24-2012 at 07:04 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
male victims of domestic violence sahibjee Domestic Violence 43 03-12-2014 11:40 PM
Domestic Violence Advise New_life Divorce & Family Law 3 03-05-2012 09:15 PM
Online divorce? ExWife2Many General Chat 10 08-12-2010 08:15 AM
Divorce and claiming child support BestDad Divorce & Family Law 1 11-21-2007 08:10 PM
Confused - Need Help -30 Days Up TODivorce Divorce & Family Law 1 12-22-2006 08:04 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:03 PM.