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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 12-23-2012, 07:03 PM
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Default Is claiming domestic violence in a divorce 'worth' it?

I am at the point where I am considering getting out, finally.

Only been married 3 years, but things have been getting worse in terms of general not getting along, but there has been ocassional violence. I have been pushed into walls a few times, once in a fight I called him an idiot and he pinned me to the bed by my neck, fist to my face, saying he'd kill me if I ever called him an idiot again. We stayed together, tried to make it work... then 2 nights ago we went out, came home and started fighting about stupid stuff (i.e. him not snowblowing the driveway, saying that *I* should have shoveled it myself after I'd come home from work, despite him being home all day)... anyways, he was yelling at me, I was sitting down waiting for him to shut up, and he decided to come at me, pushed me back into the wall so hard my head bounced off it, then choked me for about 10 seconds while yelling at me. Then said I'm apparently 'the reason men kill their wives then kill themselves'. Then asked me to leave the house so I 'wouldn't see what happens next'. He left the room, I heard him dragging things out of the closet, where his gun cabinet is. I called 911.

So I think I probably have enough to claim domestic violence to get the hell out of this shit sooner than waiting 1 year. But if I do claim it, am I going to have to get a lawyer, 'prove' things, fight it out and drag things out moreso than if we just go our separate ways for a year? Will it be messier and more difficult for me, I wonder?

I am HOPING I can get him to agree on a separation agreement between just us two, bring it to a lawyer and have it filed to cut down on costs, and then potentially file the divorce paperwork ourselves too. Am I crazy to think that can be done smoothly if I claim domestic violence?

Thanks in advance.
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:09 PM
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what does it matter if you wait the one year? You would have to prove domestic violence by police reports etc. Believe me the one year goes fast.
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:17 PM
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I am just hoping to get it all done and over with quickly, not have to deal with him again in a year from now. I could prove what happened Friday night as the police did come, but I don't know if it will just make it messier that way. I want things to be as quick and painless as possible, though I realize that rarely happens.
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goosie77 View Post
I am just hoping to get it all done and over with quickly, not have to deal with him again in a year from now. I could prove what happened Friday night as the police did come, but I don't know if it will just make it messier that way. I want things to be as quick and painless as possible, though I realize that rarely happens.
It would be less messy to go thru the one year separation.

You use to domestic violence angle then he may try and fight you every which way he can. In fact the domestic violence thing may drag it out more. The police were there but was he arrested? Is he going to be charged and go to court?
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:55 PM
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Agree with standingonthesidelines. I'm not dismissing your assaults in any way, but you don't need them to get divorced, and the time frame really won't be any different. Because of the paperwork involved it will take a year anyway.

The positive thing about the year wait is that tempers cool (hopefully) and people move on (hopefully.)

You need to either move out immediately or get a restraining order and exclusive possession of the home immediately. As soon as you take the first step to divorce, the situation will escalate. You need to be in a safe place.

If you have no kids and you have a place to go, then the best solution is to just go. The paperwork can be sorted out later.

Filing for divorce immediately and citing abuse can give you some satisfaction that is all on the record, and that can be important. But keep in mind it will also antagonize your ex and make them even more hostile and drag things out and possibly have things become more dangerous. Only you can be the judge of which is better for you, but if it were me, I would just go and not look back.

The concept of a quicker divorce due to cited abuse has to be compared to the increased antagonisim from the ex because you are putting the issue front and centre in the divorce. It's your call, but if you want out, just get out. Let your lawyer file the papers and don't involve yourself more than you have to.
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:59 PM
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Violence is unaccceptable.

Divorce in Ontario is 'no-fault', meaning you don't need a 'reason' to divorce.

Claiming abuse won't be a factor on your divorce being granted, or in the amount of time it takes for the process to unfold.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:26 PM
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Was he arrested/charged?

You need to plan your exit. Don't tell him you're leaving or filing for divorce. Speak to a women's shelter. Someone will be available to speak to you and help you develop a safety/exit plan. Things will absolutely escalate when he knows you are filing for divorce/speaking to lawyers.

What did the Police say? Are the weapons still in the house? By your description, he sounds like a ticking timebomb. Do not engage in arguments with him. Do not "tell him" what you are "plannng to do." Just plan it and DO it. I hope there are no children involved.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:50 PM
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all good advice^

Keep in mind Christmas/holidays always see a rise in domestic violence.

Get through this time and make sure booze/drugs are not involved.

You can always call 911 and ask to be taken to a women's shelter for protection.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:53 PM
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Domestic Violence : I need help. : Safety plans
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Old 12-23-2012, 09:03 PM
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Are there children involved?
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