Can a domestic violent parent ... be a good parent?

[brigitte]

blinkandiamgone

It's not what I am saying. Be careful what you say. You have no ideal what the boys and I been thru and how much I've been fighting.

[billiechic]

Originally Posted by wretchedotis

Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.

EXCUSE ME??? Have you ever been abused? Do you KNOW what that does to a person?? Maybe if the father WAS abusive and has changed his ways, but not if he is continuing to abuse.

Like I said before, the loss and abandonment issues are NOTHING compared to the damage done to a child who has learned that love=hitting, yelling and abuse.

I know this for a fact. My ex was the one subject to abuse his whole life, and he grew up to be exactly like his father. His father left the home when his much younger brother was only 3. Yes, he suffered, a LOT, but that teenager is not angry, does not lash out at people and knows how to show love. Yes, he has abandonment issues and needs his older brother's guidance, but HE is not abusive himself.

[brigitte]

Originally Posted by wretchedotis

Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.

I am sick to my stomach. My kids are with the abuser. I am doing everything I can to protect them from him. ALL abuse are damaging and not acceptable. I do not want to expose my boys to any more. My issue is the mentality that abusive father are ok...... How much does it take? Do my boys and I need to get hospitalize?????

[blinkandimgone]

Originally Posted by brigitte

blinkandiamgone

It's not what I am saying. Be careful what you say. You have no ideal what the boys and I been thru and how much I've been fighting.

Um, I agreed with you so....whatever then.

[UniversityMom]

This is such a tough question. I am going through something similar myself.

I'd personally like to believe that people are capable of change. That a few poor choices and actions of abuse do not "make the person" so to speak.. obviously there's a lot more about this man because at one point you liked him enough to have children with him I find it hard to keep that in mind with my ex sometimes but I know it must be true.

I think not having a father is better than having a father who emotionally or physically abuses you. Conversely I do think that if the father is wanting to genuinely be a better parent he should be given that option, certainly..

I left my daughters father when he threw her on our bed as a newborn.. I found it very difficuly to let him have her for weekend visits, and worried what was going on. At the same time I wanted very much for them to have each other, (he is a good playmate and they have fun together when hes around)..

Sometimes I'm scared that I made a bad choice, that I was not being a good mother in letting him be alone with her, but I have no real reason to believe he hurt her ever again, and had no right to tell him no anyway.

Its a tough choice, and in a lot of cases one you dont have any say anyway (if the courts grant him access for example).

Good luck

[LostFather]

Originally Posted by billiechic

EXCUSE ME??? Have you ever been abused? Do you KNOW what that does to a person?? Maybe if the father WAS abusive and has changed his ways, but not if he is continuing to abuse.

Like I said before, the loss and abandonment issues are NOTHING compared to the damage done to a child who has learned that love=hitting, yelling and abuse.

I know this for a fact. My ex was the one subject to abuse his whole life, and he grew up to be exactly like his father. His father left the home when his much younger brother was only 3. Yes, he suffered, a LOT, but that teenager is not angry, does not lash out at people and knows how to show love. Yes, he has abandonment issues and needs his older brother's guidance, but HE is not abusive himself.

I have to ask this then, if it was the the mother, would your position be any different? What and how much would constitute abuse or abusive? Any amount or any form?

Have you ever yelled at your kids, have you ever grabbed them by the arm, that may have been a little too rough?....and I'm just using "you" in general terms....I don't me you as a person, but hypothetically.

The reason why I asked this because I was in an 'abusive' relationship, where my ex 'abused' the children. For example, once was in a Wal-Mart and mom slapped son across the face. Another time I came home son had mom's hand print across son's face....and one last example, but certainly not least she was bathing our son in the tub, I heard her voice getting louder, I had a broken ankle, I got up stairs to witness her, shaking him by the arm and yelling at him, "sit still, you worthless piece of sh!t".

So, I have to ask, should a mother continue to mother? I did not report this? Should I be a father? At the time my ex was in depression, tried top commit suicide, I found her and called 911. I wanted to help, I didn't think, at the time removing me or the children would help, to finally one day I couldn't take it anymore...too many images in my head. So I told her we were braking up? So, she beat me to the punch line, moved the children out, wouldn't let me see them, and demanded CS.

I could have in hindsight...we all know about hind sight...reported all of this...but didn't as I wanted the children to have a mother.....she even called me on it, blaming me, stating, I should have reported her and why didn't I? That it was all my fault.

I think it's tough question to make moves that would eliminate a parent from our children's lives. And we need to be careful, to what we believe is abusive.

You know that in trial, this postpartum issue for woman, I'm a bastard if I try and bring any issue, including abuse into court that was in any time linked to her 'condition', not only that, I'm chastised for it.

I won

[LostFather]

Originally Posted by billiechic

EXCUSE ME??? Have you ever been abused? Do you KNOW what that does to a person?? Maybe if the father WAS abusive and has changed his ways, but not if he is continuing to abuse.

Like I said before, the loss and abandonment issues are NOTHING compared to the damage done to a child who has learned that love=hitting, yelling and abuse.

I know this for a fact. My ex was the one subject to abuse his whole life, and he grew up to be exactly like his father. His father left the home when his much younger brother was only 3. Yes, he suffered, a LOT, but that teenager is not angry, does not lash out at people and knows how to show love. Yes, he has abandonment issues and needs his older brother's guidance, but HE is not abusive himself.

I have to ask this then, if it was the the mother, would your position be any different? What and how much would constitute abuse or abusive? Any amount or any form?

Have you ever yelled at your kids, have you ever grabbed them by the arm, that may have been a little too rough?....and I'm just using "you" in general terms....I don't me you as a person, but hypothetically.

The reason why I asked this because I was in an 'abusive' relationship, where my ex 'abused' the children. For example, once was in a Wal-Mart and mom slapped son across the face. Another time I came home son had mom's hand print across son's face....and one last example, but certainly not least she was bathing our son in the tub, I heard her voice getting louder, I had a broken ankle, I got up stairs to witness her, shaking him by the arm and yelling at him, "sit still, you worthless piece of sh!t".

So, I have to ask, should a mother continue to mother? I did not report this? Should I be a father? At the time my ex was in depression, tried to commit suicide, I found her and called 911. I wanted to help, I didn't think, at the time removing me or the children would help on make things worse, to finally one day I couldn't take it anymore...too many images in my head. So I told her we were braking up? So, she beat me to the punch line, moved the children out, wouldn't let me see them, and demanded CS.

I could have in hindsight...we all know about hind sight...reported all of this...but didn't as I wanted the children to have a mother, her to get help.....she even called me on it, blaming me, stating, I should have reported her and why didn't I? That it was all my fault. I really started to believe it myself!

I think it's tough question? To make moves that would eliminate a parent from our children's lives. And we need to be careful, to what we believe is abusive.

You know that in trial, this postpartum issue for woman, I'm a bastard if I try and bring any issue, including abuse into court that was in any time linked to her 'condition', not only that, I'm chastised for it.

I as a man, have to wonder, if this was reversed, would I have those same protections from the courts or the public? I'm thinking not!

Sorry for the long response...when I read the issues in here, it just brings up a lot of crap that I went through not only as a parent, but as a father, question that I have in my mind.

[UniversityMom]

Originally Posted by LostFather

I have to ask this then, if it was the the mother, would your position be any different? What and how much would constitute abuse or abusive? Any amount or any form?

Have you ever yelled at your kids, have you ever grabbed them by the arm, that may have been a little too rough?....and I'm just using "you" in general terms....I don't me you as a person, but hypothetically.

The reason why I asked this because I was in an 'abusive' relationship, where my ex 'abused' the children. For example, once was in a Wal-Mart and mom slapped son across the face. Another time I came home son had mom's hand print across son's face....and one last example, but certainly not least she was bathing our son in the tub, I heard her voice getting louder, I had a broken ankle, I got up stairs to witness her, shaking him by the arm and yelling at him, "sit still, you worthless piece of sh!t".

So, I have to ask, should a mother continue to mother? I did not report this? Should I be a father? At the time my ex was in depression, tried to commit suicide, I found her and called 911. I wanted to help, I didn't think, at the time removing me or the children would help on make things worse, to finally one day I couldn't take it anymore...too many images in my head. So I told her we were braking up? So, she beat me to the punch line, moved the children out, wouldn't let me see them, and demanded CS.

I could have in hindsight...we all know about hind sight...reported all of this...but didn't as I wanted the children to have a mother, her to get help.....she even called me on it, blaming me, stating, I should have reported her and why didn't I? That it was all my fault. I really started to believe it myself!

I think it's tough question? To make moves that would eliminate a parent from our children's lives. And we need to be careful, to what we believe is abusive.

You know that in trial, this postpartum issue for woman, I'm a bastard if I try and bring any issue, including abuse into court that was in any time linked to her 'condition', not only that, I'm chastised for it.

I as a man, have to wonder, if this was reversed, would I have those same protections from the courts or the public? I'm thinking not!

Sorry for the long response...when I read the issues in here, it just brings up a lot of crap that I went through not only as a parent, but as a father, question that I have in my mind.

Protections??

I haven't experienced any of these so called protections. My ex has said viscious things about me and believe me I don't get the impression anyone is "chastising" him for it.

I see so much mysogeny on this forum it's unreal. I'd like to say I understand that men are fed up being biased towards but from my personal experience this is not the case. I've read a bunch of accounts in this forum alone, from women who would also tell you this has certainly not been the case for them either.

Man, woman, whatever. Abuse is a crappy subject to talk about and an even worse one to live with. Things are never as black and white as we make them seem via text in the light of a new day.

[logicalvelocity]

Did you mean Misogyny? -- LOL -- I think not. Many of the active participants are female ... Mind you, gender aside, we've had our share of troublemakers in the past.

[billiechic]

Originally Posted by LostFather

I have to ask this then, if it was the the mother, would your position be any different? What and how much would constitute abuse or abusive? Any amount or any form?

NO, it wouldn't. If the mother was abusive and the father wasn't then I support the father being the custodial parent. Abuse is abuse, regardless of who does it. But I did not say that an abusive parent should not have a second chance.

And to answer your question..NO I have NEVER touched my child in anger. I admit that I have raised my voice (as I'm sure every parent has done at some point), but I've seen first hand what continuous yelling, name calling and sometimes violence can do. I'm not claiming to be perfect. Like everyone else I have had a difficult time disciplining my child and controlling my emotions, but that is human. It is how we deal with those emotions that either makes us abusive or not, having them is completely normal.