Can a domestic violent parent ... be a good parent?

[brigitte]

I am struggling with this statement by child service .... A father is better than NO father at all. (in my case the father is the abuser) Can a domestic violent parent really be a good parent per Child Service belief?

[billiechic]

I think so. My ex is not perfect, but neither am I and while I do have concerns about his current parenting behaviour and the possibility that he may verbally abuse her in the future, it won't stop me from letting him be a father.
BUT, he has acknowledged that he abused me, and I beleive he is aware of the chances of him doing it to our daughter as well. CAS attended both of our homes, then closed the case without any concerns. For those reasons I will insist that he take both parenting classes and anger management classes and I can't see the court not enforcing that.

If your ex has not acknowledged the abuse and is not making honest efforts to change then you should be very wary.

Any father is NOT better than no father if that father is hurting your child. It's one thing for a child to grow up feeling abandoned and unloved, but for them to grow up with a twisted view of love is worse. Just think of how many bad relationships your child will be in if they are not able to give and show love properly.

[tugofwar]

Originally Posted by billiechic

Any father is NOT better than no father if that father is hurting your child

Well put Billiechic!

[brigitte]

Thanks billiechic and tugofwar
My X is in the not acknowledged the abuse and is not making honest efforts to change category. CAS closed the case for me with no concerns, but wants to keep open for him. They are tagging him as an absent father and that he doesn`t know any better.
I`m seeking help to heal and to be a better parent. My children are also seeking different type of help. I do understand the importance of a father figure. Boys have experience verbal, emotional and corporate punishment. My 4 yr old, has experience `hitting on tummy`. When will it be too much? I don`t know what else I can do.

[billiechic]

All you can do is be there for them and tell them it was not their fault. If they are in counselling you should speak to their consellor about how you can help.

I'm sorry, I'm going through the same thing. There is NOTHING you can do about their father. It is up to him to help his kids heal, or not.

I am involved in a group counselling program for abused women and their children. Many of the kids were abused themselves, or witnessed the abuse. I've seen a small change in my daughter after only 2 sessions. It is a great program because everything is approached through play, art and stories. There is no pressure for the kids to talk about their personal experiences, but it is most certain that they do. It gives them a safe place to talk or express how they feel.

As parents we want to do everything to heal our kids, but you have to give the time and space for them to do it for themselves. You can't heal your kids, they will open up when they are ready.

[blinkandimgone]

If your child is a victim of abuse, either directly abused themselves or a witness to abuse of other children or parent, they are certainly not better off than without said abusive parent in the picture. Arguing in front of your children changes who they are, being subject to physical violence is just damaging.

[NBDad]

The fact that CAS maintains an open case on his household would indicate to the courts that there is cause for concern with respect to his household and/or his abilities as a parent.

You can use that fact to request in your court application that he attend parenting classes.

You can also request that a parental capacity study (with psychological component) be done as part of your application through the courts. This will assess the households on BOTH parties and make recommendations to the courts. Findings in that assessment can be further used to request such things as anger management classes, counselling/etc as part of him seeing the children.

[brigitte]

Thanks billiechic, I needed that. I'm doing one on one councelling and my group starts in April. Boys and I, have tons of help thru a safe house. Boys group starts in April as well. I always feel I should be doing more. But you're right..... at this point only time and proper proffessional help will give my boys and I the tools to overcome this "ordeal". At their own speed, my boys will heal.


Blinkandimgone, every parent has rights. Even the domestic violent ones. I wish I can completely shell my boys from him. But legally I can't.

NB dad. Excellent advice. Thank you

[wretchedotis]

Even a father that is abusive is better than no father at all.

[blinkandimgone]

So you're saying it's better to be an abused child then to be in a single home with one loving parent? Really?