Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 05:07 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
missy621 is on a distinguished road
Default Black eye

My husband punched me in the face because he was angry about a phone bill that had $55.80 in long distance charges! Most of the calls were to my sister who he does not like! He also threatened to have the home phone disconnected as well and said he would no longer pay for my or the kids cell phones. We have been married 23 years and have kids ranging from toddler to university students. I have wanted a divorce for years but he has always threatened to quit his job and make me suffer if I do. He is a professional and makes an excellent salary. We got married when we were university students. I never began a career since I was pregnant at my graduation ceremony! He continued his education and started a prestigious career. My sister and best friend both told me to go to the police but I don't want to damage his reputation and career because it would affect my kids. He is very manipulative and cruel but appears caring to other people and is excellent at his job! The kids and I have suffered so much over the years but by staying all this time the older ones have lost some respect for me. My biggest fear is of my boys growing up to be like their dad and my girls marrying someone like their dad! I know I have to divorce him but I'm just worried about what will happen!
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 05:23 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 304
shellshocked22 is on a distinguished road
Default

I don't mean to sound insensitive and guys that hit women are absolute scum in my opinion BUT.....

Obviously don't take this lightly but from what you've said, IF you were to divorce him you could clean him out so completely that your husband would beg for a beating by a group of Bikers which would be preferable.

The cards are pretty well stacked in your favour; I don't doubt you could clean him out financially if you wanted to.....

While techically him hitting you is irrelevent divorce wise, I find it unlikely that the fact wouldn't influence a judge...... certainly wouldn't make him too sympathetic.

I truly feel that the divorce laws in this country are VERY unfair to higher wage earner (usually men although its politically incorrect to say so) BUT from what you've said about your spouse, maybe HE does "deserve it". Too bad the rest of us will get treated the same though....

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 05:24 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,656
WorkingDAD is on a distinguished road
Default

So what is your question? or you just want to talk to someone ?
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 06:28 PM
billm's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,430
billm is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by shellshocked22 View Post
I don't mean to sound insensitive and guys that hit women are absolute scum in my opinion BUT.....

Obviously don't take this lightly but from what you've said, IF you were to divorce him you could clean him out so completely that your husband would beg for a beating by a group of Bikers which would be preferable.

The cards are pretty well stacked in your favour; I don't doubt you could clean him out financially if you wanted to.....

While techically him hitting you is irrelevent divorce wise, I find it unlikely that the fact wouldn't influence a judge...... certainly wouldn't make him too sympathetic.

I truly feel that the divorce laws in this country are VERY unfair to higher wage earner (usually men although its politically incorrect to say so) BUT from what you've said about your spouse, maybe HE does "deserve it". Too bad the rest of us will get treated the same though....

Good luck
What a useless BS reply. "The cards are stacked in your favour", "you could clean him out financially" makes it sound like you would be out of line to leave him and expect support. Also, you started with nothing each, so you own half of all the assets - so you would not be cleaning him out, you would be leaving with half of the assets (and debts) which are yours.

Staying with someone because they threaten you is obviously a bad idea.

If you don't want to be married to him, then do the both of you a favour and end the marriage.

You need to be a strong adult and take care of yourself.

What will happen? No one knows.

What should/probably will happen? You tell him you want a divorce (make sure you are safe if that is an issue). You list all of the assets and debts of both of you, decide who keeps what, or what will be sold. One will pay the other a cash amount to balance it all out such that you both have the same net worth.

You split all retirement and pensions equally.

It should all be simple math.

The both of you decide what will happen with the kids - 50/50 or they live with you.

You determine child support (CS), based on the tables and custody.

The only grey area is spousal support (SS), which you are entitled to, probably forever, as you have permanent career damage as a result of the marriage and he does not. Determining spousal support in your case should probably use the SSAG.

You plan for your future - to start working and develop a career if possible - things are changing, you need to support yourself as best as possible - but you should continue to receive SS as you will probably never achieve an income you would have had you not been a stay at home mom.

I would not call the police regarding the assault. Tell him that if he does it again you will, and of course make sure you are safe.

Use this forum to help you. You will both need a lawyer, but be RESPONSIBLE and control your lawyer and understand what is going on. Use lawyers as little as possible.

Time to put on the big girl pants. You sound like a victim, take responsibility for the life you have lead, and the marriage you are in. Don't allow yourself to be a victim and you wont be. Being physically intimidated and attacked must be very upsetting, but in the end you can call the police, you have options available to you.

As for your sons and daughters - there is a problem in our society where women can allow themselves to be in a situation where their husband can feel comfortable threatening to take away their cell phone. It is not for the sons to change, it is for the daughters to not allow their husbands to treat them this way - we can only control ourselves not others.

And finally, get a separation agreement in place before you move out of the house if that is what you are planning.

Last edited by billm; 10-28-2011 at 06:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 10:20 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,245
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Punching someone is Assault, and that's a crime. It should not go unreported. And if you've wanted a divorce for years, this should be the nail in the coffin of your marriage. Talk to a women's shelter for some advice about what steps you could take next to keep yourself safe.

His threats to quit his job to make you suffer are empty. He'd be making himself suffer just as much. It's a threat to control you, and you don't want to stay married to someone who treats you like that, do you? It would not be YOU damaging his reputation and career. It's his own actions doing that. Lay the blame where it belongs.

What will happen? You'll have emotional upheaval for a couple of years, slowly rebuild your self esteem, and end up stronger and happier and a better parent to your children. Forget what he's teaching them. What are you teaching them by staying with an abuser? You already recognize they are suffering and losing respect for you. Put an end to that!

Read up around here for advice on steps to take to prepare, even before you give him an inkling of what you are considering. Make copies of all financial documentation, deeds, mortgage, his pay stubs, everything you can find. Take all your personal valuables and possessions (jewellery, off-season clothing, mementos, etc) and hide them away at a friend's house where he would have no access. Search the forum for "the list" of things to do, but that's the basics. And in your case, have an escape plan in mind, for the next time he hits you. It's very rare for a domestic abuser to only do it once.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 10:22 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Almonte, Ontario
Posts: 142
inseperationhell is on a distinguished road
Default

Make a plan before you leave. Then leave and stick to your guns. You will be ok in the long run. Confide in a good friend that you can trust before you do take the leap.

I felt trapped, scared, like I couldn't leave, I thought everyone thought he was a wonderful guy and wouldn't understand. I was scared the kids would hold it against me etc. I had panic attacks over leaving but panic attacks every day when I came home as well....

I planned then I left, told him it was over. Everyone I know told me after that it was about time - they suspected stuff. I was supported. I was shocked at the support and help I got, that I am still getting. My kids have told me they respect me for leaving (even though they love Dad and he will have 50% custody, they know that Mom couldn't live with him anymore). My kids see the joy I have now, how my life has changed.

I am not completely out on the other side - but am getting close. It hasn't been easy but the alternative (staying) would have been worse.

If there is abuse, leave... you will make a new life for yourself. I am....
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 10:24 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Almonte, Ontario
Posts: 142
inseperationhell is on a distinguished road
Default

And listen to Rioe's advice.....I read the same advice before I took the leap, prepared, and left safely because of that advice
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2011, 11:20 PM
billm's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,430
billm is on a distinguished road
Default

Well put Rioe! I liked Rioe's advice.

My only comment on Rioe's post is that assault is a crime, but it is reasonable in some cases to not report it. The OP would be the best person to judge that hopefully.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How can a block a motion? hacpier Divorce & Family Law 7 06-03-2011 04:01 PM
Section 7 (the black box) Whendoesitend Financial Issues 3 05-27-2011 12:33 AM
This sucks! spiritflower Introductions 25 04-24-2010 11:51 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:01 AM.