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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 08-11-2011, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
Over a month and a half ago, I was mandated by the CAS to leave the home with my son as I was in an abusive situation.
Abuse is a very general term. Did CAS find the abuse under the physical or emotional abuse criteria?

Mandated by CAS? What do you mean? Is there an existing court order that CAS filed on your behalf? CAS does have some legal jurisdiction but, they require (I think) the involvement of the courts to act.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
My husband has been pleading his case, going to counselling, reading books, signing up for anger management courses. He said he will do anything to keep our family intact and he did not realize his actions and now he is at rock bottom.
There is a pattern of behaviour which was coined by Randi Kregger called the "Hoover Effect" after the vacuums. Often people who are abusive demonstrate this behaviour pattern. I would look up the concept and see if the pattern of behaviour you are describing here is repeated. It could be related to a larger cognative pattern of behaviour. (Randi Kregger - Stop Walking on Egg Shells)

It is also called "push-me pull-me" by others who study these patterns of behaviour. I think William Eddy refers to it by this term.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
At the shelter I had gone to the court to file seperation papers.
Do you mean file an "Application" to court? Seperation agreements are an agreement between two parties. You would be filing an application with the court in this situation.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
After a few discussions with my husband I agreed to withdraw the papers and "think about" the route of our marriage.
Did you file the application then withdraw the case from the record?

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
In turn, I can take my son to my home provice for approximately a month.
I am a bit confused. You went to file "seperation papers" with the court (an application) but, withdrew. Do you have a court order stating you are able to take your son out of the province? Or do you have the other parents written consent to do so?

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
Currently I am with my son and my parents in my home-town which is about a five hour flight from Toronto. My stay is coming to and end and I am not ready to reconcile with my husband. Nor do I want to overstay at my girlfriends house. I have limited income as I'm on maternity leave and don't know where to even start in terms of housing.
I know this is a personal question but, have you ever been diagnosed with Major Depression (Axis I) - Postpartum (Axis IV)? The only reason I ask is that your son is 6 months old.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
I was told as I have a job, I don't qualify for co-op housing. I would like to stay here for longer...but we agreed on a time frame that I would be away from him with our son. I really have nothing to go back to except that it would allow him to see his son.
Ok, it sounds like you have an agreement with the other parent. I will just assume this with my recommendations to the following questions.

Note: I am taking it from the extreme position (worst-case) scenario.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
What are your thoughts on:
-me staying away for longer
My opinion is that a month away from the other parent is quite significant time for any child. You can seek further consent from the other parent to extend your stay but, that is based on the other parent's consent.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
-can he go to court and order us back?
Only if you violate the agreement and stay without his consent. If you do this he has every right to seek a court order to have the child returned to the jurisdiction he previously resided in. Furthermore, if you do this without notifying the other parent you could find yourself in a very tricky legal situation. This could be seen as the court as an attempt to deny access.

Note Mess' very well stated post regarding "abuse". If the abuse is against your son (physical or emotional) you may have a basis to seek custody but, you would have to return to the jurisdiction to do this. If you try to do it out of province you will find yourself back in the proper court of "competent jurisdiction" that your son habitually resided in prior to the separation.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
-any information on housing?
You should be entitled to child support at minimum as you are currently the primary care giver. But, you will have to file or have the other parent agree to paying it.

Originally Posted by broken_gal View Post
-i understand he has an equal right to our son, but I really don't have anything to go back to besides to let him see our son.
Careful with these "feelings" and how they will impact your son's relationship with the other parent. I realize you feel lost in all this but, you did choose to have a child with the other parent. Demand that the other parent take an equal role in your child's life. Soul custody is a very difficult situation to be in... Even if you are getting child support. Child support doesn't get you a loving other parent who will be there for your child when you can't be.

Also, you are not letting him see your son. There is a very tricky terminology around "access" and judges can get upset if you use this wording in court papers. Access is first and foremost the right of your son and not the right of either parent. Your son has a right to see the other parent unless a court decides otherwise. Unless you have a court order specifically stating you have soul custody and the other parent has limited access I would be very careful with denying your son access to the other parent. (Unless CAS has deemed him a danger to the child but, there should be a court order or likewise that governs this.)

Good luck!
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