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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2011, 12:21 PM
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Default After leaving abusive situation...

Over a month and a half ago, I was mandated by the CAS to leave the home with my son as I was in an abusive situation. I had packed up a couple of bags and went to the women's shelter for a few days and then a girlfriend had offered me a room in her house, so I subsequently moved there. My husband has been pleading his case, going to counselling, reading books, signing up for anger management courses. He said he will do anything to keep our family intact and he did not realize his actions and now he is at rock bottom. At the shelter I had gone to the court to file seperation papers. After a few discussions with my husband I agreed to withdraw the papers and "think about" the route of our marriage. In turn, I can take my son to my home provice for approximately a month. Currently I am with my son and my parents in my home-town which is about a five hour flight from Toronto. My stay is coming to and end and I am not ready to reconcile with my husband. Nor do I want to overstay at my girlfriends house. I have limited income as I'm on maternity leave and don't know where to even start in terms of housing. I was told as I have a job, I don't qualify for co-op housing. I would like to stay here for longer...but we agreed on a time frame that I would be away from him with our son. I really have nothing to go back to except that it would allow him to see his son.

What are your thoughts on:
-me staying away for longer
-can he go to court and order us back?
-any information on housing?
-i understand he has an equal right to our son, but I really don't have anything to go back to besides to let him see our son.

Feedback would be great!
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Old 07-12-2011, 12:35 PM
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Its his son as well, you explain that he is doing alot of things to help himself out, I mean he is going to counselling, reading books, signing up for anger management courses. Do you know what effects not having a father will have on your child? You have a job to go back to after maternity leave, can you support yourself and your child on this. Plus does your ex work? If he does then he has to pay support. Maybe starting with smaller visits like every second weekend with a schedule to work up to 1 week and 1 week with him? Have you tried mediation? You did chose to have a child and move this distance from your home town, and did he change that much after you got pregnant? I think that you need to leave him as he needs to deal with his issues and maybe your relationship was just toxic and you will both do better apart. You never stated the extent of your abuse, if he is beating the daylights out of you its different then if he is verbally abusive(I know that both hurt).
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Old 07-12-2011, 12:47 PM
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I want to clarify, that I'm just in another province staying with my family temporarily for support. I am planning to go back, but just not ready to right now. The abuse was verbal, emotional, financial and some physical abuse. As much as I would like to believe him, I don't think he will change from what I have read and experienced with cycles of abuse...I'm so confused.
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Old 07-12-2011, 01:22 PM
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A month is a long time away for a child so young. Maybe your ex or someone else could help you with first and last months rent for a place, or he could move out and you get to bring the child back home? I think that trying to mediate would be great, but keep in mind that you can end it at any moment if you feel intimidated or bullied.
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Old 07-12-2011, 01:57 PM
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broken_gal, a shelter or a social worker will absolutely verify that you have suffered abuse and should be out of the situation and protected and I totally agree with that.

However the relationship between a couple is very different than any other relationship.

If he is abusive to you in your relationship, that doesn't mean he is abusive to other people in his life. His parents, his siblings, his co-workers, his clients, strangers on the street, etc.

We have a very different relationship with spouses because there are no ordinary boundaries that usually exist with other people. There are no boundaries with spouses but there are with our children.

He can be abusive to you, yes, and I don't argue that in the least. But this doesn't mean he is automatically abusive to a child.

He may be abusive in all relationships, but you need to be able to show that. At a personal level, you need to be able to give him a chance with the child and learn to be a caregiver and grow, just the same as you need to learn to be a caregiver and grow.

The role of a parent is very different than the role of a spouse. Someone can fail at one and thrive in the other. Both of you deserve a chance to prove what you can do.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:02 PM
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There's also a good chance that because the CAS was involved they will make him do supervised visitation at the CAS office with a worker or a volunteer access worker before they are satisfied with his actions toward your/his son.
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:35 PM
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Broken Gal

Counselling does help immensly when dealing with abusive situations.

They will help you find yourself and become stronger so you can move on.

Time will also help with this.

A relationship between a spouse does differ from that of a relationship with children, friends, family and co-workers.

Take the time for yourself to heal which will involve counselling.

Myself, I feel people who are abusive will require counselling for life, because for some reason in their life they became this way and the possibility of it happening again is something that needs to be considered.


Nobody can force you to have a relationship with him, however visitation with your child is something a court can order especially since he is seeking help.

These are only my thoughts, I hope they help.
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Old 07-13-2011, 11:51 AM
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Thanks all for the advice. He wants to change for our family but I'm contemplating divorce. I have left him in the past (prior to being married) for the same reason, this is why I don't think he will change, as much as I do want to believe him. The trust is no longer there and I don't know if I can forgive/forget, even for the sake of our 6 month old son.

I feel so confused right now...
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:57 AM
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One thing to keep in mind, even if he is not abusive to your child, witnessing abuse is as bad for a child as being victim of it. Also how do you think you would be able to parent your child if you are constantly on your guards when your spouse is present? I am now dealing with the consequences of staying in an abusive relationship... My kids are in counselling and we went through some tough times after the separation... When I stayed and gave him a chance I did it for the kids and now I see that it would have been better for them if I left much sooner...
Leaving is never an easy decision and even harder when children are involved... Get supports in place for when you do come back and use them!
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Old 08-11-2011, 02:32 PM
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Once a couple breaks up the children aren't witnessing abuse any more.

There is also a big difference between your situation and the original poster who seems to have left immediately after an abusive incident.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
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