Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 04:44 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 129
scarycheri is on a distinguished road
Default Abusive punishments for child

I have a 10yr old sd. Earlier this year, my husband and I were made aware that she had an issue with throwing tantrums at her mother's home. Mom has had custody since the split when my sd was 2. During access visits we have never had an issue with tantrums. In an attempt to stop the tantrums at her mom's house we spoke to my sd to find out why. This is when we found out that the punishment she received from her mom for having a tantrum is an ice cold shower. I was extremely upset to hear this as I deem this abusive even corporal punishment. My sd begged my husband not to say anything to her mom as she feared more punishment for telling. We spoke to my sd about alternate ways to express her frustration in hopes that changing her behaviour would stop the extreme punishment.

The next weekend my sd was with us for access we asked her if things were going any better. She described an incident where she was crying and hanging on to the bathroom door knob trying to keep from being put in the shower only to be stripped naked and put in the ice cold shower anyway. She said her mom left the bathroom and she figured out to turn the hot tap on to warm it. Her mom figured out what she did and turned it back to cold and made her stay in longer. My husband and I told my sd that it's not ok to punish kids like that which gave my sd incentive to tell someone she trusted....her maternal grandmother. Apparently Nana was very upset to hear this and confronted mom. She was told to stop and from what my sd said it had until recently.

This past month my sd has complained of being punished by cold showers again but not just for tantrums now as she has stopped throwing them. Recently she had peed the bed, which she hasn't done here in 4 yrs, and she was punished with an ice cold shower again. She said that she told her Nana and she "gave mom trouble" but she is still using the shower as punishment. The stories frpm home include no breakfast most days, being hungry at school due to lack of food, sneaking money to school to buy a yogurt to stop hunger, being yelled at while mom stomps through the house slamming doors, calling my husband names just to name a few.

My husband has been having issues with his ex for years. This past summer it came to a head when she called the cops on him while we were on a scheduled vacation with my sd & decided to shorten his access to 3 days a month. He is taking her to court and served her at the begining of this month.

I can't shake the nagging feeling I have in my heart to protect my sd. I want to call child services and report everything but I am afraid that his ex will be able to pull the wool over their eyes. She is a successful professional person with a nice home, makes good money and is good at manipulation. I had to call on a family member many years ago and watched other family lie through their teeth and have the investigation closed with no resolution for the child. I am also concerned that with my husbands case pending that calling child services will be seen as a ploy to get him ahead in his case.

Any advice on how to handle this is very muc appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 05:13 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 103
hemademesingle is on a distinguished road
Default

I think that the only options are to contact the proper authorities, at 10 I believe that they would take the word of the child,

Teachers and family physicians are mandated to report child abuse, has your SD told her teacher of the punishment, and the no breakfast

The cold shower thing is abuse in my books, there are many other ways to handle a child having a temper tantrum, sounds like mom has very little coping skills, no matter what her profession is.

Someone needs to protect that little girl, before she grows up to have issues
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 05:21 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 129
scarycheri is on a distinguished road
Default

SD doesn't trust teachers. She says mom is friends with them and the principal. Mom had SD seeing a psychologist years back & SD would get in trouble after the sessions because doc was telling mom everything that was said in session. She has trust issues with adults from it. Thanks for the advice.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 05:44 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: 2 miles south, of the middle of nowhere
Posts: 500
murphyslaw is on a distinguished road
Default

My ex was a master manipulator and would put in time being nice to teacher and principal, to make sure that nobody would believe the kids if they told anyone what he was doing at home to them.Hubby should be getting the OCL involved pronto and CAS. What you will find is that these types who enjoy these kinds of punishment for kids-it gets worse!They ease into it.
Right now your hubbys ex is getting away with ice cold showers as punishment,what's next?Maybe the old reliable- beatings above the elbow ,above the knee and never the face.This is shocking but it could be what's on the horizon for your sd.Nobody knows what she could do next but I can promise you one thing-it will escalate if nobody stops her.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 06:05 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 129
scarycheri is on a distinguished road
Default

He has asked for the OCL to be involved in the paper work he recently filed. Could me calling CAS go against him in court? I have heard of nut jobs who try to use them to get ahead
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 06:20 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 23
Dick Smith is on a distinguished road
Default

Blinkandimgone for president!

Last edited by blinkandimgone; 09-30-2012 at 06:25 PM. Reason: off topic and irrelevant to this thread.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 06:55 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 129
scarycheri is on a distinguished road
Default

Really? wow
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 07:09 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: 2 miles south, of the middle of nowhere
Posts: 500
murphyslaw is on a distinguished road
Default

If the kids collaborates the abuse it will work in his favour but I want to point out that you have an obligation to report this abuse anyway.If somebody else reports it and its found that you ignored it.....well that's just not gonna end well.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2012, 08:53 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

You won't get much response as a step-mother or you husband as an ex when you report. Your word will not be respected as unbiased.

The most effective course would be to take your child to their doctor, ask the child to describe the punishments to the doctor and ask the doctor to file a report. It would be effective to explain the situation to the doctor one-on-one first, then bring the child and step out of the room and let the doctor ask the child.

If the child won't report to the doctor in this way, you are not likely to get the child to report the the CAS or OCL either.

If there is no result, at least as the child grows older she will have the memory that someone stood up for her and made the attempt.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2012, 08:58 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 129
scarycheri is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks so much for all the advice. The doctor idea sounds like the best route unfortunately my husbands access at the moment is every toher weekend from Saturday afternoon to Sunday night when her doctor wouldn't be available. Also, my SD's doctor is also the mom's long time doctor. I fear he would speak to her about it opposed to reporting it. The only doctor we would be able to take her to would be at a walk-in clinic. Even my doctor isn't available on weekends. Would my husband even be permitted to take his daughter to the doctor without consent from the mom who has custody? What about a therapist? We often consult a child therapist when issues arrise to know how to properly deal with them. If I was to tell the therapist about this would she be able to call on my word or would she have to hear it from the child? I know that she isn't allow to speak to my SD because she needs permission from the custodial parent.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Abusive mother applemuffin Domestic Violence 6 09-30-2012 07:04 PM
emotionally abusive emails?? ringettteplayer Parenting Issues 15 09-15-2012 12:13 PM
Legal referral re abusive mother applemuffin Divorce & Family Law 3 06-30-2011 11:20 PM
My abusive x seeking full custody!! UniversityMom Divorce Support 52 05-25-2010 10:27 AM
Access to 11 month old and abusive husband alstare Divorce & Family Law 5 04-20-2010 04:47 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:12 AM.