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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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Old 02-08-2010, 09:32 AM
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Default Abusive husband files false charges

This is my first post and I could use some advice. I decided to leave my abusive husband last August after 25 years of marriage. I have three teenage sons, ages 14, 16, 18. We had to share the house until it was sold effective the end of January. The schedule was designed to minimize the time we would cross paths. Unfortunately, in the few times we did see each other, my husband was aggressive, enraged, mean, insulting and totally disrespectful towards me. I ignored him most the time but the bullying and harassment and the threats (vague ones that intimated that I would have to “pay” for leaving him) continued. I went to the police on several occasions but was basically told that unless he was making threats of bodily harm, there was nothing that could be done. I had called the police just before I told him I wanted a divorce, after he pushed me in front of our 14 year old son. I did not lay charges at that time.

The bullying and insults escalated as our move date approached. I kept reminding myself that I only had a few more weeks to go, and then I wouldn’t have to endure this abuse any longer. How wrong I was! He returned to the house one evening 3 weeks ago after I had spent the weekend moving some items out of the house with the help of my 2 older sons, items that I was entitled to take. When he saw that items had been moved out of the house, he became completely enraged. At one point he threw himself on the ground and then claimed I pushed him.The end result was that he had me arrested the following morning on false charges of assault and conjugal violence after he had subjected me to his rage, aggressiveness etc the following evening (including picking the lock of my bedroom door). I was arrested just after I got off the phone with my lawyer to see if I could obtain a restraining order. No one ever asked me what happened! My new defense attorney tells me it’s extremely rare for such charges to be laid against a woman.

My boys were extremely upset and defended me to their father. They don’t believe him and they have told me they will testify against him if this ever goes to trial.

I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children. I followed my attorney’s advice and have cut all communication with him and I’ve also been told to never ever be alone with him. I’m still scared of what he could be capable of seeing as he managed to pull off a stunt like this. I've been keeping a journal of everything he has been saying and doing to me since August. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What are the chances of being convicted based on someone's false allegations? Can I still travel to the U.S.?

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Old 02-08-2010, 09:59 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear. False allegations are false allegations. In fact, people like your husband that use false allegation for power make it hard for people who actually needs help. Be honest and show your records and I'm sure it will be okay. I have no pity for women and men who do that. I can't believe the cops didn't even talk to you or your children.

Keep up with your records and make sure he has no access to it. I created a online email account that I use for all my "paper" documents. However, my abusive EX, stole all my audio. One gentlemen on here suggested to post audio and video on youtube. Go see a DR and therapist.

One thing you need to keep in mind. Bully / abusers it's all about power. The more you gain control of your life, the more he WILL loose control. Protect yourself and keep focus on your future.

Good luck
Bri
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:03 AM
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Don't let him intimidate you. Keep recording everything. It is all about power and it looks like he will do anything to break you. Don't be alone with him, or with him with just your kids. They don't need to be forced into the middle.

Statistics show that separation is the time when an abusived spose is most at risk. Be careful.
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:03 AM
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Brigitte,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:06 AM
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Thank you. He previously stole my journal from my car when it was parked at the airport (I know because he confronted me with it). I'm a little concerned now he may start his own "false" journal...Now I keep an electronic journal. i also had a recorder that I used initially but now it seems to have "disappeared."
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:08 AM
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Does he have keys for your car? Did he break in? Did you file a police report?
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:11 AM
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This was early on in our separation when he still had the spare key to my vehicle so he did not actually "break into" my car. Now I have the key back but I imagine he could have made a copy.
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:40 AM
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You welcome Venice.

I feel your pain.

One of many problem that I experienced and experiencing. Is that we were married and still technically married. Which provides the abusers access. Example. My Ex moved out. However, he broke in the house 3 times and took, my personal belonging, TV, Truck, furniture ....etc. Now this issue is not a criminal law matter but a family law matter. The cops can not do a thing because his name is on the house. My 4 and 6 year old had to experience this.... 3 times. Now I ask for exclusive possession of the house, however it was not granted because the house was for sell. So even the change of locks and new alarm system. I was powerless and unsafe. All this to say. You need a to find a safe place and creative ways to keep your records. It's the only thing that will help in the long run. All you can do is take one day at a time and heal. Gain your energy back it's a very long process.

Bri
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Old 02-08-2010, 10:48 AM
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Hi Brigitte,

I am now in my own place - it's been a few weeks now. However, I am concerned that he will break into my house. I don;t feel safe from him yet. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.
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Old 02-08-2010, 11:16 AM
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Hi venice,

Once again .... I fell your pain.

What I did, when I moved into my new place. I got a security system that is wired not wireless. I also, have a remote. The good thing about the remote is my panic button. It's a silent alarm straight to the police. I also, have a camera at the door. So when someone rings the door bell.... I know who it is. I can give you a name and number of the company I'm using. They are really helpful, quick and reliable.

It's sad that we have to talk about things like these. But I need to believe, I'm doing everything I can to stay safe. I do have help from a safe house. They have been very helpful. They have a number you can call 24 hours. If you need that number.... I can give that to you as well.
Bri.
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