Abused

[Denisem]

Why is it that abused women are not helped by the court system when it comes to divorce? It took so much for me to get out, and now I still feel he has all the control. He and his lawyer call all the shots.

My lawyer doesn't think it would help to bring the abuse to the table.
My ex was finnally charged with assult, break and enter, and unlawful confinment. The police had to shoot out his tires in a high speed chase.


I just don't understand why my lawyer thinks we should not bring this up.

[2hopefull]

because it's hard to prove - my problem was that I was your typical abused partner - no outright hitting - but everything else was done behind closed doors, raised voices were not heard, just constant put downs without saying those nasty words, actions of neglect , therefore self-worth isn't available. And it took a long time to get out - the problem is that the abuse continues via upseting my daughter, litigation - it wears down, what is already worn down. The abused do not have rights unless you the physical brusies are shown with a ton of witnesses.

[hubby]

Hmm. So true, LV is more powerful than Google.

Should Google find out about LV, they may pull a Microsoft and buy him out!

Grace, now either you have plenty of time on your hands and cramped fingers or you copy and pasted that thread!

Love,

Hubby

[Grace]

Then LV could retire and work for Quick Law in his spare time, just to keep himself busy. Hope he has a good lawyer when his ex comes after him for 1/2 the buy out money.

Actually Hubby, I type for a living so I'm actually am really fast, just ask my msn friends. But that post was a combination of a copy, paste, edit in my own words. I have been asked to write/speak at different events, so I have a collection of articles I draw from.

Love, (hmmmm first Ottawa Divorce romance???)
Grace

[privateone]

I know you you all realize it happens for men too, but I'm sure the ratio is pretty small. I have a guy who works for me who is under constant fear of having something thrown at him, not to mention the verbal and mental attacks he and sometimes his young son (not his daughter for some reason) have to endure. He lives on pins and needles never knowing what will set her off. I've suggested he try and get some help, but I think for a man, and a big man at that, its embarrassing, and has its own unique (or maybe not) issues to deal with.

[workingthruit]

Domestic abuse is an issue close to my heart - I lived with it for 8 years - and escaped!
It then took me years to find the strength and courage to work with my ex in even a moderately manageable co-parenting regime. To this day (7 years) it can be an uphill battle to stand up to him and not be bullied any further.

That said - I personally also know 2 men (in my immediate family) who have also been the victims of domestic violence. One is the husband of my ex-sister-in-law - imagine that!! Both her and my ex are abusers - doesn't take Freud to figure that one out!
The other was my own brother - who told us only after his marriage ended that the reason he finally ended it was because his wife would physically assault him and he was afraid that one day he would hit her back, so he had to leave before it got that bad - hearing those words nearly broke my heart - and none of us ever guessed.

I know what you are saying Grace about it being a 'secret club' - I also think that abused/survivors recognize each other ... I notice so much in what people don't say about their relationships ... often it takes very few clues for me to figure out that there is abuse/oppression in a relationship. I always try to be extra supportive of people in those situations ... I remember so clearly what it was like to be in those shoes.

In a quirky twist of fate, my new partner has been accused of domestic violence in his past relationship - after years with this man, I know these are false allegations, and hearing/reading them makes my blood boil ... I just feel like it takes away from the plight of real sufferers to have the words tossed around casually for attempts at financial gain and the sympathy of the courts.

Thanks for your post Grace, and for creating this new space, Jeff ... I will look forward to reading others stories!

[Grace]

Thank God that you too got out. I can't image what it would be like to co-parent with an abuser, most often the abuse would just continue and never end. I'm glad that I don't have to do that, I wouldn't have the strength. We only communicate through legal counsel, expensive yes, but much better for my mental health. Let the lawyers put up with his crap.

False allegations make my blood boil too. Who would want to make this up. It's degrading enough. I think the numbers are relatively low. And my second pet peeve is those abusers that hide behind the men's/father's rights movement. My ex went running to them with his false allegation/poor me excuse, and they bought it hook line and sinker. It's easier for abuser who are usually master manipulators to deny, deny, deny.

[metro]

I had been in the cycle for 7 years and I did not notice I was until I had a strong witness who woked me up. I wouldn't have had a courage to stand aginst it by myself since I was also programmed to cope with the situations. I really wish there was a better support system and self-awareness & recovering program for the victims of domestic violence. It is not only about becoming a victim, but it's also about deforming personality and self-value and losing hope and joy in life.

[Fair4All]

I have personally never been abused, nor been an abuser, but know someone who was abused by his ex-wife. Definitely a case of feeling that "this is the way life is" until someone brings to your attention the fact that not everyone is degraded and verbally/physically abused and it is wrong. His ex has neglected her children but by his concentrating on building the children's self esteem and making them the centre of his universe, they know love and have grown into responsible young adults.

It's taken this man a lot of work and time to see himself in a better light. Unfortunately, the family law system continues to have him paying SS to this abuser and gives her power over him. This is something that's very hard for him to come to terms with.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Originally Posted by Grace

MYTH: Domestic abuse only happens within poor or working class families.

We had everything (on the outside) the big home, the nice cars, the snow machines, the boat, etc.
After 15years I found the courage to leave, (when the violence spilled over onto the children). He limited abuse to areas not seen to anyone, but if you stopped and thought about it, why would a woman wear a long sleeve turtle neck sweater in the middle of the summer? When I told my story not even my family believed me at first. It literally took medical records to show I had a lonnnnnggggg history of emergency room visits because of violence.

Originally Posted by Grace

Many women are too afraid to leave violent relationships. Research confirms that leaving a relationship is a dangerous time for a woman and that from half, to five out of seven, of the women killed by their spouse were separated or were in the process of separating at the time of their death (Easteal 1993, Keys Young 1993, Wallace 1986)

I lived through two near death experiences, and there is nothing "enjoyable about it. I literally got out with my life, but remained a victim because the FL system didn't work for me. I had to endure yet another 8 years of torment and death threats for the FL system to hear me, and stop believing his sweet face and soft words. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "A man like that can't possibly have done ...."

Originally Posted by Grace

Fear or reprisals:

Yes,

Originally Posted by Grace

Social isolation:

Yes,

Originally Posted by Grace

Financial dependence:

Yes,

Originally Posted by Grace

Social stigma:

Yes,

Originally Posted by Grace

Emotional dependence:

Yes,

Originally Posted by Grace

Low self-esteem:

And yes.


Thanks for the post Gracie.
Education is the key to any conflict and subsiquent resoltion.