What to do?

[paladine1]

I come here because I am unsure where to turn.

In 2000, having been widowed for 4 yrs, I moved from the country to Gatineau with my 9 yr old and my 11 yr old. My intention was to return to school, having been a corporate Wife, I hadn't much education.

After 1 month in the city, I became reacquainted with a man I had met briefly, before. He told me he was a coach, a business owner, and a single Dad, with sole custody, of 2 teenagers, 15 and 17. Things moved quickly, we fell in what I thought was love, and he wanted me to move in and assist him with his business, his words "I have the work ethic and you have the brains, the brains is what always held me back". He is somewhat illiterate. He had kept the secret for yrs. I told him I couldn't move in with someone without a promise of marriage, I am old fashioned that way, a Christian. SO...he bought me an engagement ring and promised marriage down the road.

Within 3 months, I was moved to Ottawa and playing 'wife' and 'mother' to our blended family. As well as doing payroll for his business and other business related duties. His kids had problems. It was far from easy. I helped his Son through an addiction and his Daughter through her modeling career. It was far from easy. But I held on.

In, 2006, he sold the house we were living in after over 50 showings, which I cleaned for. I would have to clean the house and walk the street for an hour while people had a look. He was too busy, I took care of all home related issues.

We moved into our new home, all in his name, and I continued my role in his business. I was introduced by him to bankers, workers comp people and others as the 'go to person'. If anything needed to be done in the house, I was the one who usually called and met the people, he was too busy. When he wanted life insurance or investment vehicles, I was the one who held the meeting and then passed info to him.

My life was given because I was told we were working for our retirement, he never bought me anything to speak of, paid me only for faxing/pr time, 100 bucks a week, if I was lucky. It was all for our future. My kids and I handled everything here. His kids never had to lift a finger. His son moved out in 2007, his Daughter has moved out last month with her baby, yes, she had a baby...I even helped with the baby. He wasn't comfortable changing diapers or feeding him, so I would do it, so he could visit.

Well, slowly things began to leak out. Like his criminal record, violent past, penitentiary time and...9 IMPAIRED'S! He has an anger problem. And his refusal to marry after 6 yrs. I want to leave but I can't afford to and he won't give me a penny. I have secretly applied for subsidized housing just to get out. I wonder if once I'm out, I could apply to the courts for some spousal support? I'm not looking for much, just enough to leave and return to school.

His business has tripled since I met him. We started a sub-company I was to be a part of but I am being pushed out by him and his kids. I helped start that company, I even called for the business number and met with workers comp, set up training for employees, etc.

He is worth alot of money. And he doesn't want to part with a dime. But I feel like I've devoted 6 yrs of my life to his kids, business and house with a promise of a future. But now, he refuses to marry, likely afraid he'll lose something. I cannot stay with someone who will not marry and has an anger problem, as he does.

Any words of advice?

[paladine1]

sorry...wrong date...widowed in 2000, moved to Gatineau and met him, 2004. I even sold my house, he encouraged me to spend the money saying "you'll always have a roof over your head"...I feel like such a dummy.

[Mess]

You have resided in Ottawa for the 6 years of the relationship? You are lucky I think, as I understand it the laws in Quebec for unmarried relationships do not allow for spousal support.

In any case, the laws in Ontario do. You also have a case for a Resulting Trust, you should google the term, it is complicated but because you worked on the business and the home with an honest belief that you would share in them, the courts could find that you share ownership.

You should speak to a lawyer about this, one who is experienced with divorce and especially common law relationships and constructive and resulting trusts. I'd suggest seeing several lawyers for a consultation, usually you can get a half hour for no charge.

[paladine1]

Thanks, Mess...yes, we lived in Ottawa...and now live in Ontario, on the outskirts of Ottawa. I will contact a few lawyers...anyone have any suggestions for a good lawyer in the Ottawa area? And any idea what money I might need to start or continue the process? I hear it's expensive...

[paladine1]

I don't know if I have the heart for the 'resulting trust'. If I could get some spousal support, I think I could write it off as a lesson learned. I don't want to destroy anyone, I just want to get out.

[Mess]

If he is well off as you say, then you aren't destroying him, but you be the judge, I am not in your shoes.

I'm not in Ottawa so I can't comment on lawyers there. I suggest you call the Law Society of Upper Canada referral service, and you will get a lawyer with a family law specialty and a free half hour consultation.

Collect your basic financial data, write out the details of years living together etc, basicly what you have said here, along with yours and his annual income and your estimate of the worth of the house and net worth of the business. Type this out and leave 4 or 5 lines between sections so you and/or the lawyer can write notes. Make several copies. Make a list of your questions with spaces for your answers.

Lawyers talk a lot, and it can be overwhelming, so try to keep focused on your questions, find out your rights and the possibilities available.

A lawyer will probably want a retainer of several thousand dollars to begin your case. You want to keep an eye on how the money is spent. Be aware your lawyer charges you to read each email, charges for a 2 minute phone call, probably about $100 for every letter he sends to your husband's lawyer, etc.

Treat every action your lawyer takes like a golden bullet. Make sure it is on target, and it is aimed at the target you want, and don't waste shot for nothing. Plan a course of action with your lawyer, find out what they will be doing and how long it will take. One action may be an offer to settle and several exchanges of letters with his lawyer, that is fine, but set a limit on how long this goes on without results. Then move on to another step.

Don't just call a lawyer and expect them to talk with you or call you right back. You wouldn't call your dentist and expect him to walk away from his patient in the chair and talk to you about your tooth. Call his assistant or email him and make an appointment for a phone consultation, then call and focus on your questions and write down the answers. I know many people who have gotten frustrated calling and calling their lawyer and saying "He doesn't return my calls". Well he probably won't, you need to make an appointment, it is just how they work.

Pretend your lawyer is a contractor. You wouldn't just point to your house and say "fix it", you would specify which room, what you wanted done, and you would get an estimate. Deal with your lawyer this way. He is an expert, but this is your case, your life, your decisions.

I'm saying all of this in answer to "How much does it cost". It costs as much as you are willing to spend. If you keep control of your file and stay involved and be clear about what steps you are taking, then you can control your costs.

[paladine1]

thanks...much appreciated.

[piggybanktoex]

Good advice Mess

[dadtotheend]

Love that "golden bullet" analogy.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by paladine1

I don't know if I have the heart for the 'resulting trust'. If I could get some spousal support, I think I could write it off as a lesson learned. I don't want to destroy anyone, I just want to get out.

You are not destroying him. You went into this with an open heart and he LIED to you. He took advantage of you big time. If he would have told you about the criminal record and the 9 impaireds at the start, before you sold your house, would you have continued the realtionship. I am thinking no. He just told you want you wanted to hear about marriage etc. You deserve the money back that you put in from the sale of your house. You also deserve half of the value of the business because you helped build it up to where it is now.

It may be a lesson for you but does he also not have to learn a lesson that you cannot toy with peoples emotions to get what you want? If it costs him something it will drive that lesson home. Besides you worked hard and why should you not be compensated for building up his business? If you had not come along he probably would not have been as successful as he is now. It is not like you are taking anything from him, just the value of your hard work in the business. If you can get something from that I would forget about SS.