Shared Parenting argument

[riverbag]

My Ex is arguing that the children are too young for shared parenting. They will be 6 and 2 this year. I'm interested in opinions and arguments

[Mess]

My youngest was 3 when we split and we went immediately with shared parenting.

Both of us worked so he was used to being in daycare during the day, and have each of us as equal caregivers evenings and weekends.

We went with basicly a 2 day rotation so that he wasn't away from either of us for very long. 2 days is a long time for a 3-6 year old, above that and their sense of time and scale is different and they have more of a grasp of what "See you next week" means. Up until 10-12 I would personally say that 3-4 days is preferable, above 12 it should be up to the child.

There have been no problems with my youngest over this, he is 6 now and settled in at both houses. If there had not been shared parenting with this kind of schedule, he would never have felt at home and comfortable at one of our homes.

If you both have been involved in caregiving all along, then NOT having shared parenting will be a severe shock to the children. They are used to having 2 parents. No matter how much you visit, access/custody arrangements will leave them feeling that one of their parents is now gone. A shared situation gives them more, not less, 2 homes, 2 sets of toys, two parents.

[billm]

Originally Posted by riverbag

My Ex is arguing that the children are too young for shared parenting. They will be 6 and 2 this year. I'm interested in opinions and arguments

That's because she thinks she is the real parent that the kids can't be without. Which is not true.

Well put Mess

[riverbag]

They have been kidnapped from me for the past year plus and she's trying to create a "status Quo" that she hopes the Judge will not want to change. I have always been the primary caregiver as we both worked and my flexibility allowed me more time with the children than her position. I agree with Mess and have outlined the fact that the arrangement is negotiable, but the principle of shared Parenting is not, they need and deserve both of us equally. My Ex has made mulitiple claims and I have disproven all of them, now she's desperate and is grasping at this final hope. I'm willing to accept 50/50, but if this goes to trial I'm going to show her as the "lesser" parent and if the Judge feels that the children need a primary caregiver I am going to agrue that it should be the "better" parent and that is undeniably me.

[dinkyface]

Not sure if you want to go with the 'better parent' argument. But if both are good parents, and have been fully involved while together, then the principle of maximizing both parents' roles should be followed. And if mum has taken actions to reduce dad's involvement (while at the same time acknowledging dad as a good parent) then the power should be given to dad since that is more likely to result in a full 2 parent situation for the child.

[riverbag]

Agree wholeheartedly dinkyface, I'm trying to get a settlement of 50/50 as this is the best scenario for the children, but she has shown in her actions and in her answers at Discoveries that she does not want me involved equally with the children and has made efforts to keep me outside their activities and other events. If she controls the children, she will minimize my involvement and marginalize my role as their Parent, I will not do this and will continue to encourage a healthy relationship with their Mother. I don't want the children to have 1 Parent, but if the court feels this is best for them, then it should be one that is proven to encourage the other Parent's involvement in their lives.

[dadtotheend]

One of the determinants of custody is the willingness of each parent to involve the other parent in the children's lives. If she is foolishness enough to present evidence that suggests that you shouldn't be involved (and that asinine statement about the kids being too young for shared parenting is up that alley) then don't be surprised if you the judge orders sole custody for you.

[NBDad]

According to the "child psychologist" that participated in my parenting capacity assessment, young children (ie. <2) should be spending no more than 2 days apart from each parent in order to help create a bond.

Apparently, the psycho-babble community's latest research is that children can handle roughly 1 day apart from each parent for every 1 year of age, and they recommend no more than one week (7 days) at a maximum. (Excepting things like occasional vacations or whatever)

That's assuming that you actually place any faith in that particular discipline of medicine.

[riverbag]

My offer to settle has Shared Parenting as the only nonnegotiable statement, the manner in which is it applied is negotiable and all other items (ie communication, vacation, phone calls etc) are on the table for negotiation. Quite simply, 50/50 and we'll work out everything else. I'm not sure I can be any more accommodating to her or more fair for the children. As for the ages, well we live 3 blocks apart so if she wanted to come pick them up because she was missing them, I'd be happy to work with her to ensure the children get the same quality time with their Mom as long as it was reciprocated to their Father. The problem is that the Mom "thinks" that because she's their Mom she should have them, but has no other real reason...it'll be interesting to see what the Judge thinks after I present the discoveries and the evidence I have acquired.

[NBDad]

Just make sure your arguments are child centric. If you are going to bash your ex, you'd better be able to both back it up, and that it's 110% relevant to your arguments. (ie. if you are trying to prove she is a danger to the children)

What I would do is type up your arguments, and then have a neutral third party read it over for you. (ie. a friend who has NO interest in the outcome of the case). Ask them to see what kind of impression they get from it.