Newbie to Family Law seeking advise... :)

[crazyheadache]

Hello everybody...

So this is my first post, hopefully I can find some help here...?

A very short version of my story, and then some questions.

I live in Van, B.C

My ex fell pregnant three months after we began seeing each other,

She moved in with me at about four months pregnant, (Lectures about using reliable birth control and rushing into relationships will be ignored, Ive got my Mum for that...!)

One month after our son was born I cut off a finger at work, while they were sewing it back on at hospital they gave me an overdose of morphine and had to resuscitate me (it was a bit of a Pulp Fiction moment...!!)

Five days later me and ex argued and I smashed up some furniture! Neither ex or son were in the room at the time, and it wasn't really that bad. That was the first and only time I did ANYTHING like that. Still, Im not proud of what I did.

Ex went to her parents, I have been giving money almost since the day she left, we agreed to see couples counsellor. .Then she changed her mind and refused to talk to me (about anything...!) reported me to Child Welfare, saying they think son is in danger in my presence ( They have told me that nothing in the file can hurt me in any way) and told me she wanted sole custody because I am:

Abusive to women (not true)
Have a violent temper (not true, although on the face of it it will be hard for me to disprove.)
A danger to our son (not true)
An alcoholic (not true)

Our son is 11 months old now and getting access has been like pulling teeth and on her terms only. I finally had enough of this and said I was going to take her to court, three days later she had papers served on me.

A couple of weeks later (About six weeks ago now) we started seeing a couples counsellor and she finally agreed to let our son come to my house. (She stormed out of our session today screaming that Im being too reasonable...!?!)

We just had first appearance on Monday and she flat out refused to even talk about increasing access.

I am representing myself, she has lawyer. Judge told us to go outside and try to make agreement. She said I have bad parental judgement cos I let him play with a plastic coat hanger!?!? (Obviously her lawyer didnt repeat this to the judge)

We now have a Family Case Conference in two and a half months.

I want:

Joint Custody and Joint Guardianship (she agrees but wants to be custodial parent. I am unhappy with this as I think she wont make any effort to discuss our sons upbringing and just say we cant agree, and then just do what she wants. I have many, many documented instances of her being totally unreasonable.)

Q1- Can I object to this or should I let my concerns be known and then if it does happen go back to court?

For access I am currently getting two week days of three hours each and five and a half on Sundays, all at my house. I want eight hours on Sunday and four on week days. Then after a couple of months of that I want him to start spending the night and give him back to her lunch time Monday.

Q2- Considering his age (11 months right now) is this OK? (he is totally fine about being with me on his own, never crys or gets stressed)

My long term goal is for us to have him 50% of time each. She says she is not opposed but will not agree to it?

Q3- Im not sure how to approach this one, any suggestions? Im thinking of suggesting that a better approach might be that she agree to it, but with caveats attached to an agreement. (Like, if I take him on Bar crawls or start injecting Heroin into my eye balls then the deals off.)

As I am representing myself her Lawyer is expected to help me along to a certain degree. (I will double check everything he tells me as, for obvious reasons, I have some trust issues!!)

Q4- I want to meet with him before the F.C.C and try to do away with the unimportant issues (like the coat hanger.....) does he have to meet with me if I have a valid topic I wish to discuss or can he refuse?

I am very confident that this will all go well for me, but am a bit nervous of the unknown.

Q5- How many stupid questions can I ask you lot before you get p'ed off with me....?

If anybody wants clarification of any of the issues just ask, If its not something I am happy to post publicly I will PM you.

Thanks.

[Mess]

Don't try to deal with your ex one-on-one if she is doing things like calling you unreasonable and storming out. Don't try to talk it out on the phone etc, it will lead nowhere and cause things like, you say you will go to court and she suddenly responds with a lawsuit. Do everything either with a witness, preferably a mediator, or by letter or email. She has a lawyer, make your offers through her lawyer as much as possible.

Do not rely on her lawyer for "help" of any kind. You can ask as many questions as you want here and we won't get sick of helping you. There are some very good books available, although I would say that you should already be well on the way to educating yourself and if you are starting now you left it a little late.

Abusive to women (not true)
Have a violent temper (not true, although on the face of it it will be hard for me to disprove.)
A danger to our son (not true)
An alcoholic (not true)

You can't prove a negative. The courts can't expect you to prove a negative. If she has allegations she has to offer evidence. Your very first questions should be, what is the evidence? If there was one instance (for example smashing furniture) you point out a lifetime of keeping your temper vs 1 moment of losing it due to your recent hospitalization and being over medicated. This is something where you have to wait to see what her claims are and respond to them. You can get a few character references sworn as affidavits for what it is worth.

You should absolutely seek joint legal custody/guardianship/decision making. You want to show you are a reasonable party, you can co-operate. You absolutely want to have a parenting plan written up (google and also search this forum for parenting plan) and show that you know what you are doing as far researching schools, activities, daycare, babysitting, doctors, dentists, etc. If you want legal custody then you have start now and don't let her do all the planning. Become knowlegable and even if she already has plans, be able to speak about the plans for daycare or school and show that you can be involved and onside.

Ignore everything she says to you about coat hangers. She is either an idiot or trying to provoke you or both. All that matters is what is said to the judge. You have to be able to show you are organized and are making reasonable offers and that she is the one turning down every offer.

Remember that "reasonable" means that you should have reasons, sound logical reasons for what you are asking. List the reasons and show why it should be so, why it is a good idea for the child.

As far the schedule at the age of 11 months, here is the thing you have to memorize and base your statements on: At the age of 12 months career mothers go back to work from mat leave. The children are in the care of daycares, babysitters, relatives or the fathers all day. Many women work shifts and the fathers care for the children overnights and weekends. This the reality for many families. Further, you will only learn to care for a 12 month old by starting with an 11 month old, and etc etc. If you wait, then the argument will always be that you are inexperienced, she hasn't bonded with you, separation anxiety, etc etc. You and the child need to bond, and you need to bond now, not later. You need to care for the child and the child needs you, not just one parent. That need doesn't magically start at age 3, or 6, or 9.

If the ex keeps you from having physical custody now, then she will claim that the child is settled in a year from now and won't alter custody for that reason. There will always be an excuse.

There is no reason whatsoever you should not have the child overnights right now. If she is still breastfeeding then she can pump some milk and save it for you in a bottle, the same as she would do for a babysitter or her mother if she left the child to go out. And you can be sure she goes out.

Give these reasons and more, make your case, answer all of her complaints with logic and facts and examples. Don't get caught up in an argument. Don't bother with her claims that you are being "unreasonable" just be reasonable, give reasons and demand she support her claims with reasons of her own. Then answer those reasons. Keep everything on the table and don't let it get emotional.

Her lawyer is not your lawyer. Above all don't rely on her lawyer. Go to a legal clinic, ask us, read books, read case law, talk to child protection services, take parenting courses, get information anywhere but from her lawyer.

[NBDad]

Good advice as usual from Mess.

You should already being paying offset amounts of child support. In the absence of a court order otherwise, you should be acting like you already have the custody you are asking for. Don't just hand her cash. Cheques are good, email money transfers are better. Make liberal use of the memo field. (ie. CHILD SUPPORT FOR MM/YYYY)

Do not do anything verbally with the ex, keep all communication via email. If you must go to pick up your child, then make sure you have a neutral 3rd party with you OR pick up a Personal Voice Recorder (PVR) and wear it for the exchanges. Anything discussed verbally at pick up/drop off should be followed promptly by an email the second you get home. A response from the ex is not necessary, the important thing is documenting what was discussed verbally and showing she had the opportunity to respond to it.

A breastfed baby should be started on solids at 6 months, and fully weaned by 12 months. IF she is breastfeeding, the longest she can put off overnights is the 12 month mark. If this is what she is doing, then you need to make 100% sure that it's documented, in writing, that the access through the week you have now is considered TEMPORARY until the child reaches 12 months of age or is weaned. (whichever comes first).

Set out a clear plan to gradually increase the amount of time you have the child, spread out over several weeks, until you wind up with the amount of time you want. Offer that up as part of your settlement offer to her lawyer. I have a sample separation agreement posted on the forums that you could steal bits and pieces out of if you like.

As long as you make a reasonable offer to settle with her, and she refuses, be sure and request costs when you go back to court. (ie. to cover lost wages for the day off work, gas/parking for the trip, etc)