My situation - she was arrested for domestic violence.

[HammerDad]

Originally Posted by sad_dad

What I "want" is to restore the family unit

That may or may not happen as she may or may not want it anymore. Notwithstanding that, any further relationship you do have should also have various forms of counselling attached as condition of the relationship. Also, you have to understand that you have opened up a big door that should you get back into a relationship with her, you need to be cautious, because I guarantee if the shoe were on the other foot, you would not be getting such cooperation in retur.

I just keep telling them that I promise a) she will have access to her kids

Good because the kids need their mom, but you value your relationship with them, I wouldn't let them go without a court order for temporary custody. Because if you let them go without, goodluck getting them .

They're accusing me of breaking a "verbal contract" with regard to weekday/weekend splits

They are not lawyers, let alone have even the slightest grasp of contract law, let alone family. You agree to let them see the kids, but it should be supervised in your residence, with a tape recorder running.

them telling me "what was going to happen".

And you honestly think your cycle of abuse is going to change with that coming from the back ground? Of course they think they can tell you what is going to happen, because you've let them in the past. A court should be setting the standards here.

Everyone from her side is telling me that without their mother they are going to explode after a few days

Of course they will, because that is what they want you to believe. They want you to willingly hand over the kids to your abuser by further beating you down and making you believe that you cannot do this yourself. You can, and for your kids you will. You need to get over the fact that they can say what they want, it doesn't make it so. You have the kids, you have reason to have the kids, and they are not in the position to be making demands.

No offense man, but grow a set. Or at least ask your ex if you can have one of them back from her purse because man, you are seriously setting yourself up for a fall. IMO, her family is not going to be so encouraging of a continued relationship with you after this last episode. They have her ear, she has a lot of anger towards you (going to jail, you having the kids) that once you give her those kids, good luck getting them back.

[logicalvelocity]

Because the parent was arrested and charged -- What are the terms and conditions of their release provided by way of bail/undertaking or recognizance? Is the CAS involved?

[sad_dad]

The terms I got were:

- Cannot have any direct or indirect contact with me
- Cannot return to the apartment except for one time under police escort to retrieve personal belongings
- Access to children to be arranged between a 3rd party.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by sad_dad

The terms I got were:

- Cannot have any direct or indirect contact with me
- Cannot return to the apartment except for one time under police escort to retrieve personal belongings
- Access to children to be arranged between a 3rd party.

can someone explain to me what indirect contact is?? To me that would be asking someone to contact him on their behalf.

[noralee]

Indirect contact means no phone calls, no texting, no emails, and no contact through a third party.. if either party does they can both be charged..been through it this this past summer...takes about 5 months to get to the courts and if you plead guilty you then have a 4 months domestic violence course that you have to take and then all charges will be dropped once you complete that course.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by noralee

Indirect contact means no phone calls, no texting, no emails, and no contact through a third party.. if either party does they can both be charged..been through it this this past summer...takes about 5 months to get to the courts and if you plead guilty you then have a 4 months domestic violence course that you have to take and then all charges will be dropped once you complete that course.

so her parents contacting him would be indirect contact then?? I take it that he chooses the third party in regards to arranging access??

[Nadia]

I believe contacting someone through your family qualifies as indirect contact. So therefore she is breaking the terms of her release and can be hauled back to jail if you decide to report this.

Please do not hand over the children until you have some sort of temporary court order in place. If they (her family) take the kids, there is no reason why they have to be reasonable afterwards. I don't want to scare you, but you may not see your children for a long time and only after several months of litigation.

Her family may be "communicating" now, but after they receive the children they have no reason to respond to your request that the children be returned.

If both parties through a third party can not agree where access should take place, then access will have to wait until you can get into court on Monday.

You are understandably in shock now, because of what happened.
You need to stay strong if not for yourself then for your children.

You did the right thing.

[noralee]

Her parents can contact him for only the kids..there should no messages going back and forth between the wife and husband through her parents..if any one gets bitter they can report this to the police and charges will apply. But both parents should be asking thier lawyer before hand to make sure this is ok.

[Rioe]

I wish there was some way to say this without hurting you terribly, but the best I can do is be tactful, and let you know that I am only able to interpret what you have said here and draw conclusions from that. I do not know the full story, and may be entirely wrong.

But, what I do see from your descriptions, is a controlling woman, from a controlling family. Do you think, with in-laws like that in the picture, that there is any hope for counselling and reconciliation with your wife? She either has them breathing down her neck and telling her what to do with no power to resist them, which will continue to be the case no matter what happens between you, or she has grown up to be just like them, and will find it VERY difficult to change those thinking patterns just because a judge tells her to get some counselling. Right now, at the very least, these parents of hers are showing no support to you and the family unit, but are intent on driving you further apart. And you have no way to know what the version of events your wife has told them may be.

What I would suggest is to less than gently remind the in-laws that at this point, you do hope for reconciliation with their daughter, but that until she takes counselling for her temper, and engages in family counselling with you, that you cannot allow her around you or your children unsupervised, and that this supervision must be from a neutral third party, not them. Then insist that they stop communicating with you like this, because they are aiding their daughter in disobeying the no contact order, and this can only make her situation worse. Can you tell from what they have been telling you if they believe your wife wants to reconcile at all? She may be telling them she considers the marriage over and all your hoping and wanting may be for nothing.

Anyways, get that emergency custody order thingamy ASAP so that there can be consequences to them,and legal recourse for you, if they manage to pick up the kids underhandedly, such as going to the school or daycare. After you have that protection, maybe get pro-active in setting up a supervised access appointment for your wife with the kids. This shows them you are willing to cooperate, and would be a good first step in demonstrating sincerity at recovering the marriage. I think I read somewhere in this forum that there are places where this can be done that prevent abductions, maybe even a special room at the police station?

Assuming you really do believe that your marriage can recover from both your wife's actions, and your in-laws' resulting behaviour, think about it from the kids' perspective. Do what is best for THEM. At this point, I think that would be having their lives be as normal as possible given the circumstances. That's sleeping at their own home, in their own beds, keeping to their normal routines as much as possible, with the parent that is legally able to be with them most easily right now.

Good luck!

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by sad_dad

After relaying this information I've had several calls from her mother (who is trying to be the third party/mediator) accusing me of preventing her from accessing her kids, telling me she will call the police, etc.

...

The guilt is pouring in from the other side and I'm receiving many phone calls, I just keep telling them that I promise a) she will have access to her kids and b) I will call them Monday to relay any information I find. They're accusing me of breaking a "verbal contract" with regard to weekday/weekend splits and I'm maintaining that it was not an agreement but them telling me "what was going to happen".

What kind of crap is that? The family refuses to acknowledge her problem with violence and moreover displays an astonishing sense of entitlement?!?!

Does that sound like someone who would be willing to bring the kids back to you once they have them? Call the police? All they are going to do is to tell Mom to stay the hell away as ordered and to stop violating the contact condition of her release, or worse, re-arrest her.

Take the advice you have been given and get a court for temporary sole custody or AT LEAST an order confirming that you home is their primary residence. Once you have assuredness for your children you will be in a much better position to evaluate what you should do. If it means taking a few days off work to sort things out, so be it. This is a very pivotal time for your children. Entrench their living arrangements so that can you can free your mind to deal with the other questions.

Believe me, if you blow this one and those kids end up at Mom's and you end up being denied access you will never forgive yourself.