how bad is it?

[Farley]

So I live common law right now for the past 4 years. We have 1 child together and she also has a 15yr old who lives with us.

She is absolutely terrible with money, so much so that in the 4yrs I am now over 10k in debt because of having to bail her out (bills, groceries etc)

I bought the house, all the down payment and all mortgage and tax payments have been only by me.
She is supposed to pay for daycare and buy groceries and also help out with some bills. but this is not happening. everything comes out of MY account such as the daycare, mortgage, car insurance, HER car payment etc. If she does not give me money on her payday my account goes into overdraft.
This is happening more and more now and I'm at the end of my rope. To me she is now just like a bad roommate.
I may need to end this misery for myself, but I need to know how bad I will be screwed over in the process.
I want custody of my son (but how often does a father get that?!)
The way I see it she has no right to the house or furniture or anything else I have purchased and also I feel like she should OWE me $$ for the debt she has put me in.
Is there a certain distance she can move from me if she has custody of my son?
I know child support would be in order but what about spous support?

Sorry for being so long winded but I need some advice here.

Thanks in advance.

[Mess]

Unlikely you will get full custody but basically you can rate your chances of getting joint custody with 50/50 shared parenting according to the percentage of care you have provided the child ongoing.

If you took days off work when the child was sick, took time off to take them to the doctor and dentist, you can document these things with work records. Do this, it will count.

Was the child in daycare the past 3 years? That also puts you on an even footing, your ex can't claim to have provide all care at home while you were out working. You should be paying half of daycare, get used to it.

As far as your house goes, it is yours, she has no claim under common law, but again, collect all statements, payments and receipts to back this up. She will claim she contributed. If it is just your word against hers, the judge flips a coin. If you can back up your claim with facts and she can't, then you win.

At the moment you should stop paying for her car, that will help keep you out of overdraft. You should disentangle all finances from her. She should pay her own expenses, her own car payment, her own insurance, etc.

For the time being, without threatening to separate, you can explain to her that you are separating the finances because the current way you do things isn't working. Keep the statement simple, non-blaming, set your boundaries and stand your ground. This isn't a conflict, it is an assertion. You have the right to your own financial boundaries.

[wretchedotis]

Originally Posted by Mess

This isn't a conflict, it is an assertion.

I really like that sentence.

[staysingle]

As quietly and nonchalantly begin to disentangle your financial life from hers. I stress quietly, as to not alert your partner of your intentions to separate.

Keep your focus on custody of your child together. The vast majority of these scenarios digress to custody 'cause thats where da money is'. Child support/spousal support child tax credits blah blah all flow with custody.

Follow Mess's advise here and chart your involvement impeccably! It will blow your mind on the smallest detail that can swing something as colossal as custody. If you're a father you need to present and plan perfectly for litigation.

I agree that joint legal custody with 50/50 shared parenting is your best approach, providing your partner is a healthy parent absent major mental health and/or substance abuse issues.

Good luck and check in here often. Most of the advise here is as good or better than most lawyers.

[Rioe]

Frankly, I'm not hearing much about him wanting to end the relationship per se, just a lot about how bad his partner is with money, and how frustrating he finds it.

Do you want to stay with her, but just wish she was better at budgeting? Stop paying her expenses, suggest she learn a bit about budgeting, stop giving her access to your account, stop enabling her at being bad with money. As suggested above, separate your finances a bit.

If, after a while, the stress hasn't eased up, then start discussing separation as an alternative to be sucked down into her financial morass. It's only fair to try to identify sticking points in the relationship and try to fix them together before leaping right to separation.

However, as in all things, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Do more research on what happens in the event of common-law break-ups and lay some groundwork for just-in-case. If you want shared and joint custody of the child should you break up, do half the parenting starting now. Become a stickler for documenting things, in the event you need these records later.

Good luck.