Any advice for someone going thru hell?

[BeyondWitsEnd]

Here's my situation:
Common-law for 6yrs, in Ontario, two children (5,4).
The deed is in both names.

She has proven to be "unstable" - stays out late after work (she's a server at a restaurant), lately even coming home at 3am, 4am, and this week, didn't come home until I was late for work.
She doesn't seem to be willing to put effort into our relationship (and I can't handle it anymore).
I've talked to a lawyer, and he thinks that I have a good chance of getting primary custody (M-F), with her having access on week-ends, around her work schedule.
Question #1: What can I do to get her out of the house? And what is it going to cost me?
Question #2: What are my liabilities in terms of spousal support? I make ~90K/yr, fully taxed, she _can_ make up to $40k/yr, taxed on only 25% of gross.
Question #3: (kind of a question, just looking for clarification): What impact will her behaviours have on any court settlement proceedings?

Would appreciate any insight, as I work very hard for my money, and don't want to see much (if any at all) go to someone so selfish.

Other relevant facts:
I pay all household expenses, including mortage, utilities, taxes (she paid twice in 6 yrs), she pays insurance.
I have paid all insurance on her car (she makes the load payments), and pay everything on my vehicle.
She changed her work sched to 3 days/week (now netting ~25K/yr) to stay home and watch the children. She can easily change her sched to work full time, and bring in !40-45K/yr (again, taxed on only about 25% of gross)

Just looking for guidance for a Dad who's not just at the end of his rope, but has let go of it completely...

[logicalvelocity]

BeyondWitsEnd,

Welcome to the board. I will get back to this thread soon if no one else can give an suggestion or two.

lv

[BeyondWitsEnd]

Can someone help me clarify these questions?
I'd like to have an idea of what to expect..

[Kimberley]

Sorry to say that I don't have a lot of insight into your situation; I'm still trying to figure things out after 3 years
I will say (sorry) that I would never put much value in anything a lawyer says regarding your chances. I've fallen for that trick, only to have it amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. The guy was so vocal about what spiteful, lying, vindictive trash my ex was (and still is), but after 6 months without anything more than a temporary order listing me as primary - which I got on my own before even speaking to a lawyer, I just do not find a lawyer's comments worthy of anything you can put in a bank (or feed & clothe kids).
I'm certainly not saying all lawyers are like that. I'm sure many have the cahones to tell it like it is, but otherwise I see it as a way to convince a person to hire them, only for you to discover it wasn't as cut & dry as they originally made it out to be.
I wish you all the best in seeking answers.

[dadtotheend]

Originally Posted by BeyondWitsEnd

Here's my situation:
She has proven to be "unstable" - stays out late after work (she's a server at a restaurant), lately even coming home at 3am, 4am, and this week, didn't come home until I was late for work.
She doesn't seem to be willing to put effort into our relationship (and I can't handle it anymore).
I've talked to a lawyer, and he thinks that I have a good chance of getting primary custody (M-F), with her having access on week-ends, around her work schedule.
Question #1: What can I do to get her out of the house? And what is it going to cost me?
Question #2: What are my liabilities in terms of spousal support? I make ~90K/yr, fully taxed, she _can_ make up to $40k/yr, taxed on only 25% of gross.
Question #3: (kind of a question, just looking for clarification): What impact will her behaviours have on any court settlement proceedings?

Would appreciate any insight, as I work very hard for my money, and don't want to see much (if any at all) go to someone so selfish.

Other relevant facts:
I pay all household expenses, including mortage, utilities, taxes (she paid twice in 6 yrs), she pays insurance.
I have paid all insurance on her car (she makes the load payments), and pay everything on my vehicle.
She changed her work sched to 3 days/week (now netting ~25K/yr) to stay home and watch the children. She can easily change her sched to work full time, and bring in !40-45K/yr (again, taxed on only about 25% of gross)
(

Her behaviour is relevant only as it relates to the best interest of the kids. It is irrelevant as it relates to your relationship. You will have to be able to establish her instability her not coming home from work to care for the kids. She will argue that she scaled back her work schedule to care for the children and that's why she should be primary residence. You (financially) argue that she could work but she will (custodially) argue that she takes care of the kids. That's why you need to show that she in fact does not care for the kids, but is just out there partying, or whatever.

I agree that what the lawyer tells you should be taken with a serious grain of salt, the lawyer may just want to get into your pocket.

Getting her out of the house is going to be difficult, especially if she gets a half decent lawyer. Leaving the house is cardinal sin number one. If things get really bad, consider leaving the house yourself, but with the kids. Can you take care of them, or arrange care?

Spousal support, as will find out by doing more reading is way more art and science, hard to tell there. Be prepared for her to exclude virtually all the tips she earns and declare only her wages and a modest (10%) of her tips, which will buttress her support argument.

[BeyondWitsEnd]

I appreciate what you're saying, especially since her "friends" are feeding her garbage.
Thanks for your feedback on how her behaviour(s) affec the situation.
I'm trying to take the high road, and am willing to be fair. However, I'm concerned that she will find a "lawyer" (aka pirhana) that will try and soak me.
We had our first real conversation in months, and I told her that I'm willing to be fair, but if she starts talking like a lawyer, then the gloves are off.
I'm hoping that given her new optimism on starting a new life, that she will NOT refuse committing the 1st cardinal sin, that would help me HUGE if the matter has to go further...
She's given more than enough ammunition over the last month or two for this to get really, really dirty...

I'm hoping, and I do mean hoping, that the light is finally getting through her fog to help her realize that that an amicable settlement, without lawyer-based negotioation is the way to go..

[dovan]

Originally Posted by dadtotheend

Her behaviour is relevant only as it relates to the best interest of the kids. It is irrelevant as it relates to your relationship. You will have to be able to establish her instability her not coming home from work to care for the kids. She will argue that she scaled back her work schedule to care for the children and that's why she should be primary residence. You (financially) argue that she could work but she will (custodially) argue that she takes care of the kids. That's why you need to show that she in fact does not care for the kids, but is just out there partying, or whatever.

I agree that what the lawyer tells you should be taken with a serious grain of salt, the lawyer may just want to get into your pocket.

Getting her out of the house is going to be difficult, especially if she gets a half decent lawyer. Leaving the house is cardinal sin number one. If things get really bad, consider leaving the house yourself, but with the kids. Can you take care of them, or arrange care?

Spousal support, as will find out by doing more reading is way more art and science, hard to tell there. Be prepared for her to exclude virtually all the tips she earns and declare only her wages and a modest (10%) of her tips, which will buttress her support argument.

dadtotheend is correct when stating that her behavior is only relevant to the children as far as the courts are concerned. Regarding primary custody that is hard to say a person can be totally unstable but still present themselves as a good parent in the view of all those watching on the outside. That alone will take some time to prove that she is unstable and in the mean time the children will be the ones to suffer. I agree that if it gets hard to handle in the home, move with the children, and find a means to take care of them, and at the same time get counseling on how to deal with this for yourself. I can totally understand your situation it is hard to go through and even harder when children are involved.