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-   -   4 year CL relationship ending - custody of child, house, possessions etc. (http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f11/4-year-cl-relationship-ending-custody-child-house-possessions-etc-3378/)

Itiq 09-11-2008 03:01 PM

4 year CL relationship ending - custody of child, house, possessions etc.
 
I am separating with my CL wife of 4 years. We have joint everything, bank accounts, Credit card, vehicle, snowmobile, mortgage, pretty much everything. We have one child together (2 years old) and she has two kids from a previous relationship (11 and 13). I don't think this is a factor, but she is still married to her ex (father of the two kids).

We are ending the relationship, and now trying to figure out how to move forward. I want to sell the house and our joint possessions, and pay off everything. The problem I forsee is who will get custody of our son? I am going to do everything possible in order to keep him with me.

As a background to the relationship, we have both contributed everything equally, for house and all possessions.

The reason for ending the relationship is from me, not being able to live with her anymore, and absolutely not being able to get a long with the step kids (not without trying, many times, many different ways), I am unable to happily continue in the relationship. Both my wife an I grew up in bad environments, and have not had healthy childhoods, as such we have many bad habits. Her children have also grown up in a bad environment (single mother many years, bad relationships etc). and the children have some mental problems as a result (ODD as well ADHD are diagnosed). I was coping by turning to alcohol which made things worse, heavy drinking which lead me to self admit myself to a treatment centre. The best thing that I have ever done, I am no longer drinking, but realize that I cannot live in an unhealthy mental environment, the mother is not committing to get the required help for her children. I want to get out as I cannot help any longer and have no more connection with step kids.

There are many more complicating factors as to why the relationship is ending, but I am unsure what I will be facing.

I want to take my son out of there and start over on my own, in a mentally healthy and sober environment.

If I get my CL wife to agree to splitting everything, what is the next step regarding custody of our son? I know that we will both fight to keep him.

What should I do next?

singledad99 09-11-2008 04:51 PM

First and foremost, do not leave the house without a proper agreement or court order regarding the property and custody as you will be indirectly acknowledging that she is a better parent and have more rights over the assets.

You should see a lawyer and file an application for custody and division of assets as soon as you can. You can get a free one hour consultation through lawyer referral service in the phone book.

FL_Needs_To_Change 09-12-2008 06:23 AM

SingleDad99 is right.
By leaving you have told the court that you want the mom to live in the home with the children and that you are OK to live on your own.
Stay in the home as long as possible, go about dealing with getting a written agreement on the financials, an establishing a status quo with the care of your son. If he is on in your care most of the time while you are not working keep a diary and keep track of all the times etc she has him primarily and when you have him.

Sounds crazy I know. But if you are right, you will both be fighting over this little guy and you need as much on your side as possible. She WILL use your alcohol history against you, my husband is a recovered alcoholic too, in fact that is where he met his ex wife, see too was an alcoholic and also had prescription drug dependences. They both got sober, but years later we were still fending off the alcoholic allegations, and she NEVER once said she too was an alcoholic. For some reason she always seemed to forget that when filling out her statements.

Turn the focus of the courts to the fact that you sought treatment, she didn't. You remain clean, she is still struggling. Things like that, then focus on the family dynamic, and the best interest of the son, and how staying in that environment could potentially cause him more harm then good despite the fact that he is so young. Offer a detailed parenting plan if you want the courts to award primary custody/residency to you. Also offer a detailed visitation schedule. To do this at the onset shows you are child centered, that you are focussed on what is in the best interest of the child. Not what you feel would be best for your situation. Stay focused and remain civil, your strength should come from your son’s best interests, not your needs or wants.

But do not leave the home, if that is at all possible


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