Billie,
It isn't a matter of getting over it. It is more just moving on. The past is the past, yes it sucks, it hurts and we should always remember what happened so that we stay wise and never let our guard down when dealing with these ex's.
M ex was abusive to me. She would constantly put me down, to the point where it was like I couldn't even wash a dish right (and we had a dishwasher). She said she hated me, didn't want me around. But when I wasn't around, she would say that I am neglectful and selfish. She said she was only with me because of the child and she hated being with me in general. It wasn't until her father threatened me that I left her for good. Now she is a complete control freak, to the point of telling D4 what she can and cannot do on my parenting time, or who she can and cannot play with. Even telling D4 that she believes that I am not a good dad etc.....standard alienation.
I still remember all of the barbs and insults. But I've moved on, found my current fiance and came up with coping tools with my controlling ex. I don't speak to her face to face, ever. Everything is done via email (I have a gmail account where I store all emails to or from her, being doing this for about 5 years). Emails from her that are not child centric or insulting are not replied to, just stored for future use. I will not get into a pissing match with her.
My focus is my D4. I parent as best I can. When my ex tells D4 that she can or cannot do something on my time, I let D4 think about a bit and explain that it is daddy's house, he takes good care of you and if he says it is ok, then you can do it. I then note in my journal that the ex again tried to influence D4 during my parenting time and move along.
When it comes to activities or changes in scheduling, everything is done via email and all emails must remain child centric, as if you were writing a business letter or letter to a judge. Emotions have no place in this and can only lead to problems.
As for counselling for HIM, what you do is you state to the judge when the time comes is that if 50/50 is ordered that you request that you each take a parenting after divorce class in order to help facilitate communication. And then let the judge order that he take the class. If he doesn't he could be held in contempt. And if he tries to control you in the future, if you still to emails, it should give you a quick paper trail.
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