Quote:
Originally Posted by piggybanktoex
**Pissing contest in progress**
Some good points on both sides, but bring down the hostility a notch.
I personality side with the views of "leaf", but understand the arrangement from "dadend".
Just remember that "no good deed goes unpunished" in family law.
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Thanks for waving the yellow flag. The family law process is so adversarial and destructive that even talking about it can bring out the worst in us. It certainly gets me going. I'd prefer to focus on how we can change it for the better rather than merely venting our frustrations with the status quo.
got2bkid, I appreciate your thoughtful and insightful comments. There is a growing mountain of research that children in high conflict custody cases suffer badly as a result of the animosity between the parents.
I've read Justice Brownstone's book which records his observations as a judge presiding over contentious family cases in Ontario. He seems to ascribe the cause of these disputes to the immaturity of the parents. But it's a bit like a surgeon complaining that his patients are careless and get into too many accidents. Of course some parents will be immature! That no doubt is one of the factors in the marital breakdown and certainly a key reason why they failed to collaborate and work out their own post-separation parenting plan. The raging emotions of family breakdown are simply not conducive to mature and responsible behaviour, and parents in this situation often need guidance and support from others.
In my view, it is professionally irresponsible for lawyers, judges and senior justice system bureaucrats to continue to maintain a legal process that pits mothers against fathers and sees the children similar to the other family property that is to be divided up following a lengthy, adversarial and wasteful legal battle. Not only does this process frequently inflict even more damage to the already troubled relationships within the family, it bleeds the family of both emotional and financial resources. And it wastes time that is so critical to developing children.
Enough venting about the status quo. It seems to me that we need to provide a process that ameliorates the conflict and supports and encourages parents to collaborate and make responsible decisions, in a timely way, about the future care of their children. What might such a process look like? What would help these troubled people who love their children but can no longer live together as husband and wife?
I agree that the critical point of intervention is pre-separation. I don't agree that either parent should pick up the kids without the knowledge of the other and simply leave. I think that would engender hostility and exacerbate the conflict.
Why not require parents in such situations to participate in free government-sponsored mediation for the purpose of creating a joint parenting plan? Parents are in the best position to know their own and each other's skills and resources, as well as the needs of the children. But they need some help to set their personal issues aside and create an appropriate plan for their children.
If either parent refused, or took the children and ran, the file would be passed to the local child protection agency for immediate action -- the assumption being that a parent unwilling to collaborate peacefully in a parenting plan for their children is acting negligently and may harm the children. If the parents could not reach agreement after a term prescribed by the mediator, they would only then be referred to court -- along with a full report from mediator describing the process, the parties and the remaining obstacles to agreement.
Comments? Improvements? Other ideas?