Thanks for the advice. I’m in Ontario BTW.
I appreciate the advice on the kids but truthfully I do a lot of that already but will never be able to compete with her in this area. She has 30+ hrs off during weekdays where she can do things with the kids – mall, playgroups, parks, friends houses, etc. I have a few hours after work (and after making dinner, doing a few chores and the like) and then weekends which are usually full of errands, etc. That being said, I’m always home by 5:30 in the week, never, ever go out with friends (new city for the last 1.5 years and no time to make them) or do anything myself in terms of hobbies (I tried to go fishing one weekend and she lost her mind so I decided to keep the peace instead)
On your average weekend though, I get up with the kids (usually 6:30), make them breakfast, clean up, play with them, etc while she often sleeps until 9-10:00. I take them to activities as well but she often sees weekends as her time to relax and my “turn” to do the humdrum household things as well as house renos, etc so there’s not a lot of time for a huge amount of external things. The up side is we are very attached and I love my relationship with my kids more than anything in the world right now.
I once heard about some sort of sexual dysfunction condition in men after their wives have kids and I wonder if this is possible in women now. She once told me calmly after our first that she wanted to be a good mother but didn’t care about being a wife anymore. Crazy me because here I was thinking they might be somehow related. This odd mommy identity with me as a growing annoyance and cash source for her has me very worried. It has reached the point where anything I do is criticized (even the way I breathe and walk at times), she has called me “disgusting” and an “ass” on numerous occasions among other things and frankly I am quite worried that she will just decide one day that her life is strictly about the kids and just move back to her family. FYI, both of our families live days apart but hers is much closer.
If there were no kids involved I would have cut my losses long ago and divorced truthfully. I am desperately afraid however that if things go to total pot I will end up paying her huge amounts while she lives far away and I don’t even get to see the kids almost at all because I won’t even be able to afford travel or to leave my job in this location.
Questions:
1. Is there any advantage to filing first?
2. Is it a disadvantage for me if she left without first assuming a real job and better income again?
3. Can she just take my kids away and move back to her mother’s on a whim?
4. I have some limited email records of my wanting to go to therapy, her refusing, etc as well as other items so is this worthwhile or does it matter, assuming things went really bad?
5. I have shouldered all of the debt over the past while so is that split/accounted for in a divorce or do I keep it?
6. Does the fact that we don’t have a sex life matter at all?
As well, believe it or not, my life is essentially about work and then work at home with an often cold, complaining wife who blames me for the weather. The only light is when I get to play with the kids in between household chores and bedtime. I am desperate for a little time to myself though (maybe kayaking, fishing or something) as well so would this be seen as a bad thing in a divorce in terms of time not spent at home or with kids? I have actually been thinking of sticking it out until the kids are in school but I need something to get me through the years besides being shat upon for not dry-walling correctly.
And to your points, I have been encouraging her to go out with friends, take a weekend off, etc but she won’t. She often travels (3-4 times per year) home to see her family and that certainly counts for something I would think but it never makes her happy for long. Sooner or later she will blow up at me and blame me for ruining something. My gad I tried to put a vegetable garden in last year for the kids and that made her mad! Apparently I always “ruin” things she wanted to do. Of course, I offered it to her and she said it was “too late”.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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