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Old 06-20-2017, 10:01 AM
pete360 pete360 is offline
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Default Dealing with controlling and vengeful ex?

My ex and I have a separation agreement which is very vague pertaining to my access/visitation with my kids which DOES NOT reflect the status quo of the last 2-3 years; It reads:
“The husband shall have reasonable and liberal access to the child/ren on the following terms:
1. Each Tuesday evening from after school to bedtime
2. Each Saturday afternoon from 12pm to before/after dinner time.
3. During any extracurricular and/or school events
4. Additional time, including overnights, as agreed upon by both parties”.
(There is no additional mention of how to deal with conflicts, or anything about arbitration/mediation.)

At the time of the separation the kids were: D7 and S4 (4 years ago). Now, the kids are: D11 and S8

For the last 2-3 years our status quo has been:
1. Every Wednesday from 5PM to bedtime (she recently changed it without my consent to 6PM -8PM because I was coming late for my 5PM pick up; I work and live 75 KM from where the kids are, and even told her that I have no control over traffic day to day; that I'm not late because I want to piss her off, but because some days the traffic is much worse than on others. She didn't care and changed my pick up time on Wednesdays.)
2. Every other weekend – from Friday at 6PM to Sunday at 5PM. (She now "advised” me that I am not to have them on Fridays any more, without my consent).
3. Any time during holidays that ex "allows" me to get them (which turns into a war every holiday season) - I usually get the “left over days” after she takes the MAIN holiday for herself – for example: i get them on christmas day evening, boxing day, etc, while she gets christmas, new year’s, etc.
4. I get few days here and there over march break and summer holidays, that she will "allow" me to get, after she's booked them solid for their hobbies, activities, so I get left overs - only IF and WHEN I'm off work, and "ask nicely". And it's war for every holiday season.

I never know (from week to week) IF and WHEN i'll even get my kids, making it extremely difficult to make any plans with/for them.

Since last year I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to negotiate with her in order to amend the child access agreement to:
1. Reflect the current status quo (which I would use to enforce the access via court) – she refuses to change anything “in writing”.
2. Create a steady, consistent and set schedule - if changes are required, they're to be consented to and there has to be an appropriate notice for them.
3. Gain a little additional time with the kids (which the kids are asking for as well).

Not only did I get no additional time with the kids, my ex continues to arbitrarily change the visitation schedule on a whim and is now trying to take away "my" Friday night with the kids (every other weekend) because I have decided not to take them to their hobbies on "my" Saturday mornings (they do not want to go, and the hobbies are 75KM each way from where I have been living for over a year now). She also takes my days and weekends away from me (without my consent and on a whim), switches weekends (but fails to make up what i lost), makes me return them early if she makes plans for them on "my" time, makes me pick them up late when she schedules things on "my" Wednesdays and wants to enrol them into even more activities/hobbies on weekends (again, without my consent) which would further limit my visitation time with my kids.

There has been an email war for the last 6 months of me telling her that I do not give her consent or permission to impede into my time (without a discussion and proper notice), that she's not allowed to withhold access, that i don't give her consent for new/additional hobbies for the kids that would fall on "my" access time, etc, but at the end of the day she just attacks my character and tells me "how it's going to be" and goes and does what she wants.

How do I:
1. Legally amend and ENFORCE the status quo schedule so she can’t “punish” me every time i “misbehave”? (she does not agree to change it in writing, i only have the status quo in email format. I have suggested arbitration/mediation with our lawyers to come up with a fair and mutually agreeable addendum, to which she didn’t agree. I offered for both of us to sit down with the kids, talk and come up with a fair and mutually agreeable schedule "as a family", to which she said i'm crazy, i'm out of my mind, i'm putting the kids in the middle of "our mess", the kids have no say, etc.).
2. Gain a little additional time with the kids (they keep asking for this as well) and she will not allow me; Example: I asked for PA days and STAT holidays that fall on “my” weekends to be a part of “my” weekend. I asked to split march break and xmas holidays fairly (or alternate from year to year), to which she will allow only a few days here and there that SHE deems i can have, and only IF i take the time off work (she does not allow my fiancÚ to care for the children while i’m at work (the kids LOVE my fiancÚ), while my ex has a boyfriend who does (kids don't particularly like the boyfriend) - her boyfriend even stays alone overnight with the kids without my knowledge or consent, yet my fiancÚ is not allowed to care for them while i'm at work 10 minutes away from my home. I asked for a few extra weeks of time with the kids in the summer (again, same thing – only if i take the time off – which i only have 3 weeks per year, so that's not possible; for this summer i'm not even sure if i'll even get ANY time with the kids). I asked her to allow me to take them away on holidays once per year (out of the country: all inclusive vacation for example) – she flat out refused. Etc....
3. Be able to take them on a vacation once per year - she said she's worried i won't return, which is ridiculous. I have a job, home, car, life in Canada, there is no way that i wouldn't return.
4. Protect and liberate myself from her controlling every aspect of my life (with or without the kids), while constantly attacking my character, parental skills, etc.

I am terrified of a costly legal battle (I currently pay 33% of my salary for child support every month on time - it includes regular schedule amount + extra for "other expenses") and am barely left with enough to cover my basic living expenses (luckily i have a partner who contributes more than her share into our life and is also very generous to the kids too). She also threatened that if i do go to court, "she has a free lawyer".

Yes, I know I made a mistake at the time of separation when I trusted her to do the right and fair thing in the future by signing a "vague" separation agreement, but am I stuck now for the rest of my life paying for it or is there something I can do about this? All I want is to create a healthy and STABLE home life with my kids while they're with me, and get a little more time with them (kids keep asking for this too. They went as far as asking me and my fiancÚ to move closer to their home so they can spend half the time with mom and half the time with us - they do not realize how impossible that will be when dealing with their controlling mother).

Any advice and guidance would be very much appreciated!!!
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