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Old 09-16-2014, 11:58 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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When I told you that you need to send an email to your ex informing her that you are concerned based on the children's anxiety level, that her behavior may be bordering on abusive...I wasn't saying it flippantly.

I went through a similar circumstance and its the tactic I used.

My kid came home crying and so upset that she could barely go to school one day. This type of thing had been going on for some time and I had been trying to help her avoid his anger...I finally got fed up. It was my ex's evening with her this particular night and I kept her at my house and didn't let her go with him and let him know that I was concerned that his behavior was bordering on verbal abuse.

I don't need to elaborate on the email that he sent back to me. Needless to say it was full of expletives directed at me and how my kid was turning out like me...blah, blah, blah. I responded in the same calm manner from the 1st email I sent and ignored his inflammatory nonsense...basically repeating myself that I was keeping her that night to let the situation calm down and if it escalated, I would take more serious action to ensure that my kid wasn't verbally abused. I copied my lawyer on the email so he could see I was serious.

I was extremely concerned that in the short-term he would flip out on my kid for telling me so when she went back to his house, I gave her a couple different avenues to contact me if she felt that his behavior was out of control and I'd come pick her up. My ex...like yours...has extreme anger management issues. He's angry all the time and yells for hours and hours.

I was sick of trying to protect my daughter by not saying anything and tolerating the behavior...it wasn't working. So I changed my approach, I made him aware that I knew what was going on and it wasn't going to be tolerated any longer. I also explained to my daughter about verbal abuse, told her that I'd take her to someone to talk to whenever she wanted (I can make medical decisions alone per my custody agreement), and I made sure that she could contact me with a phone, tablet and the next door neighbor in the event that there was an issue.

It sucked but it has worked for about the last 6 months. My ex seems to be doing a lot better and my kid hasn't been coming home miserable and leaves on access days with her dad on a much happier note. My kid is older than yours are which makes things a bit easier because my kid is more able to speak up for herself so it may be more difficult for you but I still recommend the tactic.

I took the risk that if my ex escalated the behavior, it would give me more of a basis to take him back to court to have the custody decision altered. It was an emotionally tough decision to make but the at the root, angry abusive people are cowards. They pick on the weak and the people that play their game. If she really is engaging in this type of parenting, you need to make sure she understands that your kids are keeping you in the loop and its not going to be tolerated. Ignoring the potential abuse of your children to coddle your abusive ex really isn't an option. Think about it.

I think you need to consider sending her a polite, concise, strong, well-worded email and put her on notice. Copy your lawyer too.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 09-17-2014 at 12:10 AM.
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